Tag Archives: csi

A Long Time Coming

Posted on by
Reply

-Which color crayons do you think taste the best?

-If you have ever thought “Well, at least Valentine’s Day isn’t an expensive holiday.” you are a woman.

-As a personal rule to myself, I try to avoid people who treat me like an umbrella. The people who let you sit there, dormant in the corner, until they need you to block the shit falling on them from the sky. Then, and only then, are you two best friends.

-But I’m a sucker for a nice smile.

-eHarmony and Match.com are the internet’s version of writing “For a good time call…” on a bathroom stall. Can’t complain though, a dates a date.

-If I had to create a PowerPoint presentation for my own funeral, I’d never die.

-If I’m ever caught in the middle of some life threatening emergency or crisis, I’m going to turn to the nearest woman and hurriedly demand “Quick! Take off your bra! I have an idea on how to get us out of here!” And then we’ll just play it by ear from there.

-Overheard on the toy aisle or adult supply store:
“Should we get extra batteries in case she doesn’t get tired of playing with it?”
“I like that it lights up and makes noises, I don’t like that it’s small enough to swallow.”
“Poseable positions and karate chop action! This is amazing!”
“I’m not sure if this will fit in my ass.”

-The beginning of the year is always the hardest for me. I can never decide on what calendar to get and most times it takes me nearly 6 months to make a decision.

-I wish I could pick my own nickname. I’d be the Cuddle Monster.

- CSI coloring book. Someone make this.

-With every new social network I hate people more and more. Funny how that works.

-The only thing filthier than my mouth is my mind, so until they come up with Abraxo Brain Cleaner, you’re just going to have to deal with it.

-It’s always going to be sour grapes with you.

Just When You Thought I Was Dead

Posted on by
Reply

-I shit you not, I was at the gym earlier this week and a lady next to me was eating a bag of candy while she was walking on a treadmill.

-If space travel does become privatized after the passing of the budget for 2010, I wonder how long it will be before we see the first porno filmed in zero gravity. My prediction is 26 minutes and 28 seconds.

-Nothing rots your brain faster than watching an elderly couple try to operate a digital photo kiosk.

-If Peewee Herman had super powers what would they be? I think it would be the ability to rid the world of innocent children in less than 30 minutes of air time with just a rubber chicken and a handful of petroleum jelly.

-I live my life under the belief that shit will hopefully, eventually, work itself the fuck out.

-If your car is more than 3 years old and you use the “new car smell” air freshener at the carwash, you’re an idiot. If your car is less than 1 year old and you use the “new car smell” at the carwash, you’re also an idiot.

-Divorce court: where two souls joined together in harmony once again become two separate souls living miserably with more baggage than allowed as carry-on by most international air travel agencies.

-I want to be cremated and have my ashes dumped on unsuspecting people on a New York subway train. Wait, nevermind, I want my ashes put inside a piñata and broken open at a birthday party.

-If I could go back in time, I’d teach dinosaurs how to build robots. I don’t see any consequential problems arising from their introduction to future technology. None, whatsoever.

-Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest. That’s just silly folklore. It only takes about a week. Trust me, you don’t even want to know how I tested that.

-If you’re ever considering becoming a serial killer, I strongly suggest watching every Law and Order and CSI episode you can possibly catch. There are a whole bunch of great dos and don’ts to be learned.

-Whiskey whispers is what you call it when you speak softly to someone but you are too drunk to make any sense.

-There are two “Amateur Nights” I never attend: at the strip club and at the shooting range.

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

Posted on by
Reply

-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.