Tag Archives: dating

Slightly Sketchy With A Chance Of Bullshit

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-My morals are questionable, my beliefs… also questionable… my sexual appetite; undoubtedly insatiable.

-If you have to take medicine for the side-effects of other medicine you have to take, then the medical industry has failed you.

-Worst single’s website screen name for a female: Miss Manslaughter.
Worst single’s website screen name for a male: No Means Yes Please.

-I wonder what terrible things could escalate from me hiring two private detectives to follow one another.

-The best way to get a free pen or pencil is to borrow one from the person next to you and chew on the end of it.

-I’m rubber and you’re glue, so your sexual advances are leaving us both in a sticky, sticky, rubbery mess.

-The only more awkward than the question “Excuse me, where can I find the hemorrhoid cream?” is the response “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

-“That’s what she said” jokes are funny, because they aren’t very likely; “That’s what he said” jokes aren’t funny because they’re just true stories.

-Holding hands and thumb war are only a few digit-placements away; proof of the thin line between love and total annihilation.

-If Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress like whores without social ramifications then Halloween is also my chance to be a complete womanizer and cross-eyed cleavage gawker!

-Kicking and screaming is a good way to get what you want anywhere but a china store.

-If you tilt your head a little to the left and squint one eye, this sentence makes even less sense but you’ll look like you just discovered something extremely puzzling to anyone else watching you.

-Until I was about 9 years old, every diagram of the human skeletal system had a “sex bone”. It just made sense.

-I never knew punctuation could be so scary until I heard a friend’s reaction to his girlfriend missing a period.

-I drink a lot to avoid the consequences of being sober enough to be confronted about my drinking problem by my friends, peers, and coworkers.

Remarkably Satisfying

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-When Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat, people called her an artist. When I wore a dress made out of meat, my neighbors told the police I was a cross-dressing cannibal.

-”If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” -Aristotle Onassis

-There’s no better way to shave your chest, thighs, and eyebrows than a dry slip-n-slide.

-My self-esteem is so high that my tears have dreams of growing up into tidal waves.

-If you think you have things figured out, then it’s obvious you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

-How hot is it outside? It’s need-to-strip-down-naked-just-to-take-out-the-garbage kind of hot outside.

-When a girl cancels a date, she has to. When a guy cancels a date, he has two.

-You can’t even imagine my disappointment when I stumbled into, and discovered the real meaning of, my first booby trap.

-Here’s a great passive-aggressive way to break up a relationship you’re stuck in: stop bathing.

-I’m not a morning person. Honestly, I’m not even much of an early afternoon person either.

-A world without jesters would be far crueler than a world without kings.

-Apparently, Head Over Heels isn’t just a position in the Kama Sutra.

-Just to make golf more interesting, they should have a televised tournament where the players only play during lightning storms.

-I like my music like I like my women: loud and ugly.

-If another man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see shit.

-There are times that try men’s souls; like after over-eating at a Mexican restaurant.

-When opportunity knocks, you let that fucker in!

I Will Treat You Right

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-What if one day your computer becomes self-aware and tells everyone all of the horrible, horrible things you’ve been looking at?

-I bet Tyrannosaurs were the best knitters.

-“I thought she might be crazy when she saved a loose fingernail clipping of mine that got left on the bathroom floor, but when she looked straight into my eyes and asked if I could do the dishes I knew she was bat-shit crazy!”

-Dictionaries can tell a million stories. They have all the right words you just have to find the perfect order.

-It took many years and many one dollar bills, but I have finally overcome my fear of naked, uninhibited breasts.

-The most common lie told these days is “Yes, I have read and agree to the terms and conditions.”

-Nothing is worse than being embarrassed and feeling flush and then someone points out how red your face is and how embarrassed you must be. Thanks. People are such dicks.

-“Cute as a button” – what kind of weird apparel fetish do you have?

-It really upsets me when a store has double-doors but they only have one door unlocked. What kind of weird mind experiment trick are playing on me shop keeper?! I demand answers!

-“Do you know how fast you were going?” “No officer, I bought the only car on the entire planet that doesn’t have a speedometer. This sweet ride is pretty much just a Power Wheels on steroids.”

-Few things in this world could be worse than being trapped in an elevator with a mime who takes miming extremely seriously.

-Your love is a trapdoor that is a slide made of rainbows that leads to a vat of glitter that slowly swallows me like quicksand and I’m being smothered by the dazzle and choking on the magic.

Eyes Like Wildflowers

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-I’ve been killing zombies since I was 10. It’s the only crisis I’ve ever felt prepared for.

-I play this game with myself when people are talking to me, I pay attention intently, nod my head when a response is requested, sometimes I’ll even voice my opinions on the matter being discussed and then I remember shit. People think it’s funny. I’m going to call this game “listening”. We’ll see if it catches on.

-The worst thing a girl can do to a guy is give him time to think things over.

-The truth will set you free – unless you’re guilty, then it will get you 5-10.

-I lost 20lbs on the “I drank more whiskey than what was previously thought to be humanly possible in one night” diet.

-It’s the details that qualify a statement:
“I found a publisher for my first book… It will be the first coloring book to focus on the great depression. It will only require black, grey, brown, and dark blue to color.”
“I never spend a night alone… Because I live with seven dwarfs and many, many cats.”
“I’m not an axe murderer… I’m a knife murderer. Have you ever tried sneaking an axe into a movie theater? Very difficult.”
“I can count… Up until about twenty, then it starts getting tricky.”
“I’ll never forget the first time we met… And how much I wanted to strangle you so you would shut up.”
“I hate paying bills… That’s why I’m going to live in my parent’s basement until they kick me out.”

-You have the freedom to succeed and the freedom to starve.

-If you watch Godzilla backwards it’s the story of a giant lizard that rebuilds a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.

-Ideas are like fireflies. When in the open night air they are almost magic, but when under scrutiny in the confines of a jar they lose their magic as logistics and reason begin to take over.

-At the rate we’re going, by 2035, girl’s outfits will continue to cover less and less of their body until they are walking around in bikini sized outfits. Meanwhile, men will still be criticizing other men who wear speedos as swimsuits.

-I wonder if there was someone that Elvis based his stage appearance on. Surely he wasn’t the first man with black hair, sunglasses and sideburns. Imagine how flattering it would be to have a yearly convention of people trying their damndest to look just like you.

-I hate surprises, unless its lingerie. Those surprises are welcomed!

-A perfectionist is someone who has a practice funeral before they actually keel over.

-I need a phone with a built in breathalyzer so that when I call or text anyone after 9pm it shows them my blood alcohol content level.

-When going on a blind date through mutual friends you tend to worry about what your date will think of you, but when you go on a date set up through the internet you tend worry if your date is actually an axe murderer or not.

-I have reason to believe that she is make-believe.

Hackneyed

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-There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, I don’t date fish.

-If  we could regenerate lost limbs, cutting off your own leg with a table knife wouldn’t be a bad way to get out of going to work for a couple days.

-”So, Mrs. Peacock, you weren’t the least bit suspicious when Mr. White asked you to bring a wrench and a candlestick with you to the kitchen?”

-Simon says, shut the fuck up!

-Monday through Thursday you can consider me clinically deceased. I live for the weekends, explicitly, for the weekends.

-The only justice I’ve seen in the world in the past several years was when Britney Spears lost custody of her kids. Oh, and that one woman who was sentenced eight years in prison for cutting off her boyfriend’s dick with a kitchen knife.

-I want my first child to be born in one of those giant ball pits on Chuck-E-Cheese. That’s how I’d want to come into this world.

-Carpet burns never tell the whole story.

-The person you love more than anything on this planet is nearly 70% water.

-When you tell someone they have something on their face, they will always wipe the wrong side first. I just play along and tell them they got it. 

-When you receive a compliment, be ready for the request of a favor in the sentences to follow. “Man, that hat looks great on you!… Can I borrow a kidney next weekend?”

-Due to the increase of school shootings, if you browse the internet a little you can find backpacks that come with bulletproof Kevlar lining. Kind of sad, huh?

-The more popular you are, the less privacy you have. Now thanks to Facebook, you can be a broke, jobless, jerk-off, and abandon your privacy all together without even having to be in a single teenage vampire movie!

-Why is it okay to say “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” but people give you weird looks when you say “I’m so hungry I could eat my neighbors and probably even their annoying little dog.”

-Opinions matter because facts don’t change.

-If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn’t need one. If a girl doesn’t make you wear a condom, you probably should have worn three.

Everyone Makes Mistakes, But Me

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-When choosing legal council, I always go with the lawyer with the most terrible commercial. If he/she is so eager for work that they are willing to make a complete ass of themselves on public television, then I know they will be able to focus solely on my case.

-All of the good women are taken, but that little hiccup hasn’t stopped me yet.

-What goes around comes around; like Ferris Wheels, merry-go-rounds, umbrellas, balls, and some hats.

-You know your child’s future is rather bleak when the guidance counselor suggests your child look into forklift operating as a potential college major.

-If you believe in Jesus, it isn’t asking much of you to consider the possibility of a zombie outbreak in the future.

-No one can do the robot better than an actual robot. That’s how the machines will take over one day, first it’s our dance moves, then it’s our souls.

-Someone once told me “Remember these words, for they will save your life one day.” Pretty amazing stuff. Words, these, will, for, they, day, remember, life, save, your, one. Wonder how that’s going to save me… Is it a password or something? Will I be forced into a game of real-life Hangman and those are the answers to the puzzle? Only time will tell.

-There are many more things in our broom closet that just brooms. In fact, I don’t think there is even a broom in there at all…

-Corporate sponsors never forget.

-Remember to always burn all incriminating evidence.

-Pimps should start using an Employee of The Month program to boost moral a bit.

-I save all of my Christmas candy canes to give out to trick-or-treaters the following year.

-A naked game of Twister sounds like fun until left-hand green, left-leg yellow, and right-leg red. Then things just take a turn for the worse.

-To whoever does the marketing for Icy Hot, I implore you to create an ad campaign around Blue Oyster Cult’s “I’m Burnin’ For You”.

-If you’re going to get addicted to drugs, I at least hope it’s Children’s Tylenol in the bubblegum flavor. That shit is delicious!

So Awesome It Hurts When I Pee

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-I can’t dance; I don’t even pretend to be okay at it. So, at parties I just tell people I have a basal ganglia problem and they leave me alone about it. Unfortunately, then they spread rumors thinking it’s an STD I have and not a brain disorder.

-I start every social gathering with a lovely chorus of “If You’re Happy And You Know It”. I just add the line “If you’re not happy, then get the fuck out.” It’s a quick way to weed out the depressed people that are sure to start drama once they consume alcohol.

-As you get older, the number of dots needed to make a connect-the-dots puzzle fun gradually increases as your worldly experiences grow and your imagination deteriorates. “It’s a giraffe. Next puzzle…” “It’s the Eifel Tower. Next…” “It’s me stabbing myself in the face with this pencil because this isn’t any fun.”

-I played so much of Assassin’s Creed II that I can speak pretty competent Italian now.

-Not sure if your new love interest is a slut/man-whore? Here’s an easy way to find out: ask them to draw a picture of the opposite sex’s private parts. If they can draw a better picture of your plumbing that you can, you’re probably dating a person who gets around faster than mono at a kissing booth.

-I find it suspicious that British people never sound British when they sing. I think their entire country is faking the accent just to be different.

-To save time with all of my bathroom visits, I finish every meal by eating two sheets of paper towels.

-It’s quite difficult to throw away a garbage can.

-If you run backwards down a flight of stairs fast enough you just might trip and hit your head really hard and forget who you are. That’s not quite like time travel, but it’s pretty close if you really think about it.

-You know it’s Christmas time if even when checking out online, there is a wait time and they’re out of shopping carts.

-I have a great idea! Caffeine is an appetite suppressor and while you sleep your body stores fat, right? I have new diet craze ready to sweet the nation! For fourteen days I’ll drink nothing but coffee and never go to sleep! This is will be great! Come on America lets lose those muffin tops, love handles, and those man-boobs that are starting to resemble actual boobs!

-Never play hide and seek with your Alzheimer grandma. If you can’t find her, she just might stay hidden inside the basement closet until she withers away to dust.

-”Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.”

Breaking Up: Easy Ways To Initiate The Big Letdown

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We’ve all heard the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line, but there are a plethora of other ways to let your significant other know that they aren’t so significant. As with any other tactic or strategy, there is usually a counter maneuver you have to be aware of. I’ll break down your break ups and let you know what to be wary of.

Alright, let’s start breaking hearts.

Option 1: Fake Your Death
Most obvious of your options when it’s time to call it quits, but one of the trickiest moves to pull off successfully. Works great when you are moving, joined the armed forces, have been relocated for your job, or if you two have only dated over the internet.

Doesn’t Work When: You’re dating your next door neighbor, you two share mutual friends who cant keep secrets, or if you are dating someone in the same apartment complex – easily turning your day into the longest elevator ride of your life as you try to explain to them that you are just a ghost… and that even ghosts have to go grocery shopping.

Option 2: Plant Evidence That You’ve Been Cheating
Evidence suggesting you’ve been cheating is a good way to get them to break up with you, saving you the hassle of initiating the conversation and ensuring they will never want to talk to you again. Guys just need to buy a bottle of cheap perfume that smells sweeter than a sugar cube and a bottle of honey having sex. A few spurts on your chest when you’re on your way home is a sure way to make her think you’ve been snuggling with an 18 year old. Girls, all you need to do is splash a little Brut on your inner thighs. Next time you’re in bed together, your soon-to-be ex will quickly wonder what other recently shaved gentleman has been dining as his buffet, if you catch my drift.

Doesn’t Work When: It will work, but if your partner is close to your family and friends it’s likely that they will spread word of your deeds and everyone will think you’re a total asshole for a month or two. Beware of that.

Option 3: Build-A-Break-Up-Bear
By now, everyone is probably familiar with Build-A-Bear stores and their products, but I’ll give you a quick summary. Build-A-Bear is a place to assemble your own teddy bear to give to someone. You pick out its look, its stuffing, its clothes; you even can record a message on it to play when someone squeezes one of the bear’s paws. All you need to do is record your parting message and give it to the one you loathe. Hopefully the sweet thoughtfulness and cuteness of the bear will counter the sour message delivered through the cheap and terribly muffled speaker that’s telling them it’s time to see other people.

Doesn’t Work When: Your less-than-better half is deaf, but works twice as well when your partner has a deep rooted fear of bears – stuffed, or real.

Option 4: Counter Commitment
If your relationship is new, suggest it’s time to get married and have four dozen children together. If your relationship has been long, be sure to let them also know that you see no kids in your future and let them know that you don’t believe in marriage and that you were put on this earth for one thing: having sex – having sex with lots of people.

Doesn’t Work When: They actually share the same views. Rare, but it does happen.

Option 5: Electronic Billboard At The Baseball Game
Let the world know that you aren’t meant for each other, your lover’s feet stink, they’re always late, they’re terrible in bed, and that they whistle when they talk sometimes on the world largest LCD television, the good old JUMBO-TRON 5000! Quick, easy, and only costs about $40 to have your message displayed. Plus, if you went to the sporting event with your friends, it will save you the hassle of having to describe why you two broke up over and over again.

Doesn’t Work When: Your main-squeeze is blind, can’t read, or happens to be in the bathroom when your message is displayed. This one takes some planning, but sure to leave a lasting impression.

You might want to print this out and keep it with you in case of emergencies.

Good luck out there.

Pondering, Wondering, And Getting Lost

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-If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all of that Acme crap then why doesn’t he just buy his own grilled roadrunner dinner?

-With just a few carefully arranged garbage bags and little rain on a summer day, you can make yourself a pretty bitching slip-and-slide.

-”Snot” is a pretty disgusting word, but not nearly as gross as “pus”.

-If you’re not a strong writer, then make sure you spend a lot of time working on your cover page. If you can’t even design a nice cover page then you should spend money on someone else to make a nice cover for you.

-I am a man of my word and that word is full-frontal-nudity.

-A few months ago a lake in Chile disappeared. Geologists later determined that a large crack formed under the lake and the water drained into the empty caves below. Unfortunately, several lake houses just dropped in value by about 200%.

-Make no mistake about it, in relationships, the one with the vagina makes the rules.

-Great news everybody! Writers have begun drafting the script for a big-screen Baywatch movie! No cast roles have been filled yet.

-There is an alcoholic drink called a “hand job”. It is comprised of Jack Daniel’s and Squirt Soda.

-Pro Tip: If your socks are on fire, your pant legs are probably next.

-She was putty in my hands; first, I shaped her into a ball and then I rolled her into a worm, then I flattened her out into a big circle and then I used a cookie cutter to shape her into a little puppy and then I folded her into a little square and dropped her into the spaghetti maker. If that’s not a passionate and romantic evening I don’t know what is.

-Throughout mankind’s history, from cave paintings through the Renaissance, nude photos and paintings were considered art, then, in the 50′s, suddenly they became “pornography”.

-There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth at any given moment, seriously.

-Hippy zombies petition for free love and delicious open minds.

-The worst part about time traveling is that no matter when you go back to, the ending is always spoiled.

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.