-My weekend is going to be about as sad as watching Edward Scissorhands try to catch a butterfly.

-I ate at a restaurant that served “A bowl of sexy Jell-O” as a dessert. I’m not sure what made it sexy, perhaps the way it jiggled? Maybe it was cut into some sort of adult shape? I settled for the nude key lime pie and a cup of prostitution instead.

-I think that during these economic times we need to define the American Dream 2.0. I’m pretty sure that the way things are now is a sign that maybe the first dream isn’t working out as well as we would have liked it to.

-Sorry if this isn’t very funny, last night I was drinking and hit on a girl that looked like a cross between Rosie O’Donnell and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m currently reevaluating my goals and life decisions.

-The unfortunate dyslexic dictator; he’ll never understand why his plan to conquer then divide didn’t work.

-Have you ever misspoken and said something like telling your neighbors that your new babysitter is very sexual when you actually meant to say she’s very sensible? Me neither, but it’d be pretty, huh?

-I was watching one of those house hunting shows and the lady looking for a house really wanted a laundry room that had a window. Why would you want a laundry room with a view? So you can depress yourself as you look outside at all of the other people in the world not doing laundry?

-”It’s only an island if you’re looking at it from the water.”

-I had a dream the other night that I was bobsledding with Tom Cruise and the entire Cool Runnings team. I instantly knew it was a dream when we got to the bottom of the hill and Tom Cruise and I were talking and I mentioned that I was now a believer in scientology. That pretty much diminished any actuality to the entire dream.

-If McDonalds sold lobster, would you try it? I don’t think I’m prepared to take that much of a risk.

-Several guys sitting around talking about their ex’s quickly turns into a plethora of private information you kinda didn’t want to know.

-Ever get that feeling that the trash is sweeping you under the rug instead?

 
Ps. I changed the comment requirements so you no longer have to provide a name and an e-mail address. So, there is no excuse why you can’t leave a few words of love [or hate, whatever floats your boat].