Tag Archives: did you know

Just Because Everyone Should Know

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-The world isn’t round; it’s more of an oblong shape.

-MySpace will always be free, however, oxygen will not.

-You will never be able to truly see how you look with sunglasses on.

-Women blink twice as much as men, but that’s probably just because the men are staring at women.

-Budweiser beer can actually be used to condition your hair.

-There are no new TV shows; everything is a rerun of some other bullshit you’ve already seen.

-At any given time, roughly 61,000 people are flying in the skies above the United States.

-Along with hundreds of sex positions, the Kama Sutra also lists 30 different types of kissing.

-The people featured in the ‘singles hotline’ commercials aren’t the kind of people you actually talk to when you call.

-Humans produce about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime. Until food is dissolved by saliva, we do not taste it.

-Minding your p’s and q’s is a lot like minding your b’s and d’s.

-Time flies because if it walked then waiting for your turn to use the bathroom would always end in a horrible mess.

-The government already knows how to clone human beings, they just don’t tell everyone the secret because procreation is too damn fun.

-Yes, that dress does make you look fat.

-Men can read smaller print than women, however, women hear better.

-Cleopatra married two of her brothers.

-The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-Advice always comes late, criticism is always harsh, and judgment is always passed.

Politely Making Your Demands

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-I am a man of many talents. In fact, one of those talents is exaggerating on the amount of talents I have.

-A toolbox only needs two things: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the tape.

-A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

-Ronald McDonald actually died of heart failure twelve years ago due to excessive use of the products he sold. In fact, Jack, the Burger King and the Ronald McDonald you think you know, are actually all digitally inserted into every commercial. Jack is really a 400lb blob of a man trapped inside a trailer in Connecticut and the King went to a tanning salon and the large amounts of grease in his body from splurging on the dollar menu turned him into a giant baked potato.

-I have an interesting idea for a birth control/abstinence condom. You put the condom on your junk like usual, but its infused with a putrid odor to make your bells and whistle smell like something left at the back of a gym locker, ensuring no will ever come close to touching your willie.

-I put “for sexual favors” in the memo field of every check I write, thus reminding the person I’m writing the check for of the importance of accepting credit and debit cards.

-I think my female coworker is catching on to why I always ask her to go into the freezer and stock the frozen goods.

-In 2015 a satellite will reach Pluto. It’s a shame because when the satellite was launched Pluto was still considered a planet. Not anymore. Now our solar system stops at eight, ending with Neptune, which, on average, is a chilly -415 degrees Fahrenheit. You know, jeans and a t-shirt kind of weather.

-A 2×4 is actually a 1.5×3.5. You’re welcome.

-You don’t hear about a hodgepodge too often, but you’re confident you’ll know it when you see it.

-It takes a strong type of woman to remove all of her clothes for the sake of other’s mindless entertainment. It takes an idiotic man to remove all of his clothes and run across a field during halftime.

-If we’re going to have the silly national alert level, then I say that by the beginning of this summer all public pools should have a urine threat meter posted at the front gate.

Juxtapose – Posing Your Juxta And How To Get Noticed

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-When in doubt, resort to violence.

-I wear headphones everywhere I go. I don’t always listen to music, I just always wear headphones. It keeps the stupid people from talking to me.

-Eyebrows are a particular thing. Too much hair and you look goofy, too little hair and you look goofy. There’s a fine line between groomed and hysterical.

-You like superhero movies, you like hot babes, you like dripping wet hot babes in superhero movies, so you’re probably going to love Fathom. Fathom is a superhero movie featuring the best looking thing from Transformers; Megan Fox, playing an Aquaman-like heroine. [Source: http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118000796.html?categoryid=13&cs=1]

-Did you know that grapes explode when you put them in the microwave?

-I say a few curse words now and again, but people who like to be tinkled on – those are the real potty mouths!

-It’s been scientifically proven that a man’s beard grows faster when he anticipates sex.

-I wonder which woodworking accident is most common; splinters, smashed thumbs, being trapped inside a flipped port-o-potty, dismemberment, or crazy glue in your underwear?
 
-Nibble and nipple are so close in spelling for a reason.

-Leaving the house without pants on can be kind of embarrassing, but it doesn’t even hold a candle to being caught picking your nose on the jumbotron at a baseball game.

-The dot over a lowercase i is called a tittle.

-I don’t mean to sound like a pessimist, but have you noticed that rainbows are in the shape of a frown?

-If I ever become a bum and need to stand on the side of the road with a sign asking for money, I’m going to write “Need money for Kung Fu lessons.” I think I’d really be able to reach out and grab the attention of my audience.

-Meet me on the dance floor. I’ll be the one spinning in circles doing the ass-slap dance and performing realistic robot gestures in between grabbing my crotch and screaming like I’m Michael Jackson.