Douchebag | AmazinglyMundane.com

-Do you think bugs get upset tummies?

-When I get really upset with someone I close my eyes and start taking long deep breaths until A) I blow them off into the sky, or B) until they think I’m going into labor and just go away.

-I don’t think I could ever bring myself to start dating a girl who is living with seven dwarfs.

-I enjoy crossing out days on my calendar so much that I usually cross out four or five days at a time. It sure would suck if I died before I actually made it through all of those days. I’d hate for my ghost to have to come back and perpetually live out those days I marked out but never actually made it through.

-Have you ever sat and thought to yourself “I’d probably have more fun watching an overly in depth documentary on the digestive system than doing what I’m doing right now.”?

-If the enjoyment you extract does not exceed the effort you input then it’s time to move on.

-Intergalactic Douchebag – A person who has surpassed the rank of jerk and asshole but has not yet reached the rank fucker or motherfucker and has previously travelled in space.

-The original ending to Beauty And The Beast was Belle being mauled to death, but Disney figured they should go with something more wholesome, like “Happily ever after…” or some crap.

-I’ve seen chickens do a lot in my day, but never once have I seen one do The Chicken Dance.

-It takes a special kind of person to defecate in public and it takes a special person to have sex in public, but it takes a remarkably special type of person to defecate on someone having sex in public. Thanks to the internet you can all be suckered into watching videos of these “special” people doing what they do best.

-We’re all simple creatures that just want a place for our belongings, hot meals, and the occasional heavy make-out session during a movie.

-There isn’t really much of a difference between a scheme and a plan. A scheme just sounds more cunning, while a plan sounds more official.

-Brunettes are double the trouble but blondes are only half the fun.

-The easiest way to survive a Monday: call in.

Here’s a little list to determine if you qualify to be a gigantic douche. Pictures and examples included.

Before we get knee deep in vinegar though, we need to get the basic facts out of the way first. The generally accepted definition of a “douchebag” is someone who posses a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance, who engages in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.

-Being a douchebag is like any other fun disease in the fact that it’s contagious.

Example 1 - Douche Group

-Like many other plagues on today’s culture, being a douchebag is a fad. It’s a trend that will eventually go the way of the dodo and the rest of the world will let out a big sigh of relief. Because, there for a moment, adults feared that the future of our species would be a collection of abundant hair gel products and fake tanning bronzer.

-Some people have made a living off being a douchebag. Judge Judy and Dr. Phil are two great examples.

Example 2 - Famous Douche

-That’s right; you don’t have to be a guy to be a douchebag anymore. Like I said, it’s contagious.

-Although the term “douchebag” is used pretty much exclusively in the United States, thanks to modern amenities like television and the glorious internet, douchebaggery is spreading across the globe. Here are some Swedish d-bags:

Example 3 - Swedish Douches

-This brings me to another common practice of these Oompa Loompas: pointing in random directions during photographs. It’s as if they are actually telling us “Don’t take a picture of me; there is actually someone of depth and integrity over there to the left.”

Example 4 - Gesturing Douches

-Even disagreeing with them as much as I do, the fact is, douchebags do get the ladies attention. Take this lucky douche for example:

Example 5 - Lucky Douche

-Maybe the girls like them because they both use the same Maybelline products or maybe it’s because these vinegar bags spend more time at the mall than the girls do. Who knows.

Example 6 - Pretty Douche

-Like all trends though, it’s not for everyone, and not all girls are fans of douchebags [luckily].

Example 7 - Busted Douche

-I’ll be counting down the days until this trend fades out of existence. Until then however, don’t be a complete tool.

Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche

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