Tag Archives: dreams

Running Marathons In Glass Shoes

Posted on by
Reply

-I’m a sponge full of smelly stale water and useless information.

-Every time I’m dreaming, just when it gets to the good part; right when I’m about to save the damsel in distress; the moment I’m about to solve the hangman puzzle; just as I’m about to pour the honey all over my naked body; right when I’m signing the contract on purchasing my first unicorn; my alarm goes off and wakes me up. Life isn’t fair.

-”Did you not just hear what I told you?”
“Sorry, I have my bullshit speech filter turned on. Give me a second… Okay, go ahead, what were you saying?”

-The Caps Lock key should be in all capitals, just to get the message across. The Insert key should be re-labeled to “Fucking hell! Did I push that one useless fucking button again?”

-Have you ever disliked someone so much that when you meet someone with the same name you cringe a little?

-My boss was telling me a story about her college life but I had to interrupt her to ask if her major was deflating hopes and dreams or if she just got a degree in distribution of duties.

-”I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.” – James Buchanan

-Every year, 150 people are killed by exercise equipment. Self-improvement that!

-Another interesting fact I found was that 900 women die annually during cunnilingus.

-Shaking hands with cactus plants and occasionally hugging a porcupine aren’t the only ways to find pricks; most of them are on television now and hold a seat in the government.

-When I grow up, I want to do something prestigious, like be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being able to eat the most hot dogs in an hour or something.

-Welcome to 191st day of the year. It will likely be just like the previous 190.

-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. So they’re pretty much just like humans.

-Success has enemies.

Debauchery

Posted on by
2

-There is a fine line between pain and pleasure. That’s why it’s recommended that you use a safety word.

-When you’re a secret assassin, sent around the world to take out the toughest targets, you’re outfit is everything. A ninja wearing a sombrero is not a good combination.

-It happens all the time in sitcoms and Hollywood movies, but you know those parts where the character goes into a lingerie store and a really hot employee volunteers to model the bra and panties for them? That never happens in real life. I bet that even if it did, it’d be more likely at a place like Wal-Mart and the person volunteering is someone you wouldn’t want to see wearing anything less than a ski jacket, parachute pants, military boots and a paper bag over their head.

-When a safe is unlocked, it’s no longer a safe. Instead, it’s just a really fucking heavy box.

-I had a dream the other night that I was tied up to the flag pole in front of my school, wearing only a pair of sneakers. I knew it was a dream when I was only concerned about getting someone walking by to tie my shoe laces rather than to cut me down.

-I’ll tell you the real secret to a great night’s sleep, and it has nothing to do with specialty beds. It’s simply three beers, a martini, two Long Island Iced Teas, a Sex on the Beach, and an Irish Car Bomb topped off with a Vegas Bomb. Best sleep ever! Although the morning after has little to be desired.

-I’m sure we’ve all had an instance of a phantom cell phone ring. That’s when you could have sworn you heard your phone ring but upon checking your cellular device, no calls were missed.

-Did you know that Cheech Marin from Cheech And Chong fame has a children’s book about a bus driver that teaches a mariachi band to compete against rock and roll bands in a battle of the bands contest? There’s even an animated movie to go along with it. [Amazon product page: http://www.amazon.com/Cheech-School-Bus-Driver-Marin/dp/0061132012 ]

-Digging to China sounds like a good idea, but after you’ve been shoveling for a couple of hours you get real hungry and kind of sweaty, then the idea just seems silly.

-Despite previous speculation that Van Gogh was a genius and through his own personal torment chopped his own ear off, new evidence has surfaced, and the truth is that Van Gogh lost his ear in a brothel sword fight. I’d say it’s about time for a big budget Van Gogh biography flick.

-I like my music like I like my women – loud and obnoxious.

Shimmy, Shimmy, Shake

Posted on by
1

-Out with the old, in with the stupid.

-My weekly routine includes binge drinking and a little bit of crying.

-Wind chimes; one of mankind’s most annoying inventions, second only to alarm clocks.

-Trapped in a box is too easy, I want to see a mime pretend to be trapped in a giant hamster ball.

-I got a tattoo this weekend. It’s a tiny little squiggly on the side of my face. That way people can tell me “Hey, you got something on your face.” and I can rub the opposite side of my head so they have to tell me “No, no, other side.” Then they’ll demonstrate where it’s at and I can just keep rubbing the wrong spot until they get frustrated and lie to me and tell me that I got it and that it’s gone now. Then I can call them a liar. This will show me who my friends really are. Friends don’t let friends walk around with shit on their faces.

-I’m strongly opposed to young people driving while under the influence of terrible music.

-Now I’ve seen everything. This morning I saw a lady on a treadmill wearing fuzzy house slippers. It’s a bold way of saying, “I’m here to get in shape, but I’m still too lazy to tie any laces.”

-”No human thing is of serious importance.” – Plato

-Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalianism is the expression you use to say that a word is really, really long. Should be pretty easy to remember.

-If the bed isn’t squeaking you’re doing it wrong.

-Which would make for a better epitaph; a man mauled by one really huge cat or a man eaten by three dozen regular house cats?

-The best inventions are the ones you don’t appreciate until they’re not around.

-Green is a tricky color. There’s only a few shades difference between forest green and baby puke.

-Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing pictures of those people who put on way too much bronzer and now look like Oompa-Loompas.

-I had a dream that I woke up and went to work. Then, when I really did wake up, I went to work, thus turning my Sunday into the fourth worst day of my entire life.

-And lastly, some advice for the road: hanging out with assholes is a good way to smell like shit.

When The Cows Come Home To Roost

Posted on by
Reply

-I suffered four days of water torture, had most of my toenails removed, and was nearly electrocuted to death as the investigators just kept asking me the same question over and over again: Where’s Waldo?

-The one day of the year I go green is tomorrow: Saint Patrick’s Day. My clothes will be green, my beer will be green, and consequently, my pee will be green.

-I’d like to have a coat made out of the bath mat material; warm, soft, and mildew resistant.

-The year that doors were invented I bet masturbation went up at least 200%.

-If you’re blind you kind of have to be organized. If you don’t put stuff back where it belongs your bowl of cereal could become a bowl of Cascade dish soap drizzled over a handful of bolts. Not to mention that you’ll be eating them out of your cats food bowl instead of your favorite Batman plastic bowl.

-”More fun than a barrel of monkeys.” I’m not sure if this expression refers to the plastic toy or a literal barrel of live monkeys. Honestly, neither sound like very much fun to me.

-It takes a whole lot of bad behavior to get kicked out of IHOP.

-In 207 BC, Chrysippus, a Greek philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunk donkey attempt to eat figs. Story of my life.

-Which do you think came first; the giant q-tip people fight with on American Gladiators or the q-tip we use to clean our ears?

-It should be a rule that anytime you tell your significant other that you are going to take a shower that it be taken as an open invitation to join.

-During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men’s beards. I’m not sure if the tax was measured by number of hairs, length of hair, or overall weight of the beard, but I’m sure Gillette would love a tax like that today.

-I don’t smoke, but I still complain with my friends about the rising price of tobacco products.

-Floral patterns have no place in my life.

-The problem with truth is its lack of elaborate embellishment.

-I’ll make all of your dreams come true for the small monthly fee of $29.95!