Tag Archives: drinking

There Aren’t Any Chaperons At Camp Awesome

Posted on by
1

-Have you ever had one of those moments where you are just tired of drinking, but, for some reason, you keep drinking anyway?

-I don’t know about you, but I think we should just get rid of Wednesday and Thursday.

-When you really break it down, there are only two people in the United States who decide what you see or don’t see on the news. Yes, two people.

-Wow, somewhere in the neighborhood of $250,000 space porn. A piece of astronaut gear is going up for auction; it’s a page from the manuals of the Apollo 16 crew featuring a doodle of an astronaut and a naked cartoon space bimbo. [link to auction, NSFW cartoon boobies: http://www.daylife.com/photo/05QR51Y2Ga7NL ]

-All movies should end with every single main character dying, simply to prevent Hollywood from making some shitty sequel. Sure after a while it’d be predictable, but it’d be interesting to see how directors could kill off an entire cast within realistic boundaries of the story.

-Next time you’re filling up, be sure to spray the person on the other side of the pump with gasoline. It’s a cool, refreshing way to add some enjoyment to their day in these warm summer months.

-This beats the hell out of those annoying “Can you hear me now?” commercials. This is one of the first commercials for a cell phone from 1989. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that music in at least 5 different adult films though. [video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptbJZ9HBw2k ]

-Every time I assemble a puzzle that’s missing pieces it reminds me of the age old classic tale of the beloved Humpty Dumpty.

-Hopefully, by the time that the sun finally explodes there is such a thing as sunblock with SPF 3,000,000,000.

-It’s just an assumption, but I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with “jumping jacks” was probably named Jack… or Jumping.

-Here’s some good advice to help you live just a little bit longer: trust no one, take no chances, think of every consequence, look twice, keep to yourself, and be a pessimist. You’ll live longer, but you won’t live any happier.

-If I could possibly own everything in the world, I’d give it all away anyway. And you, my friend, would get all of the rubber bands.

-Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to send a thank you and happy birthday message to one of my most dedicated readers! Happy birthday Jennifer!

Nothing Else I’d Rather Do

Posted on by
2

-There are about 640 muscles in the human body, never in my life have all of them been having a good time at the same time.

-Have you ever seen some really bad or crazy haircut and thought to yourself “Man, they must have fallen down a flight of stairs with a pair of scissors in one hand and a weed whacker in the other.”?

-If I could go back and do it all again, I’d a hire a midget to stay in my backpack and do all of my school work for me.

-Making out is really cool until you lose your virginity, then it’s just another tedious step in the process of getting to what you’re really after: which is love, true everlasting love, of course. What did you think I meant?

-Every time I throw coins into a wishing well I make the same wish. I always wish that I had more coins to throw into it.

-”Sexting” is the hottest new trend for paying ridiculous phone prices to get a little bit of excitement. Nothing gives that feeling of a sexy private moment like anonymous and heavily abbreviated text messages sent every few minutes. “I’m going to rub your…” [two minutes and $0.99 later] “…back to relax you. Then I’ll take off my…” [two more minutes and another $0.99] “…fur coat because it sure is hot.” Perhaps this is the real reason why our economy is in the shitter. Poor money management.

-My finals are finally over, finally. So this weekend I’m going to drink until I develop methyphobia (a fear of alcohol).

-If someone asks you the hypothetical question about being stranded on an island and only being able to bring one thing and you answer anything other than an airplane or a boat, you’re stupid.

-Are you open-minded? [video link: http://www.dailymotion.com/user/totocacapouet/video/x8uei4_openmindedness_tech ]

-”My heart belongs to you, but my cock is community property.” – Steel Panther

-It’s impossible to sound stern or serious while saying “Okie-dokie!”

-Having an antidepressant addiction is the happiest bad habit you could possibly have.

-Today is International Bra Free Day. I’ll give you ladies a minute to unclasp and get comfy… Okay, now take a picture and send it to me it just might reduce your chances of breast cancer. Well, not the sending the picture part, but the freeing of the breastesses has proven to be better for your health.

-When you can’t say anything nice shut the fuck up, please.

All Over It Like A Wet Sweater

Posted on by
1

-My birthday wish this year will be for a fire breathing unicorn. Wish me luck!

-You know the expression “April showers bring May flowers”? Well here in Houston, Texas we’ve been behind most of April, so to meet our quota we are getting all of April’s showers in the form of 4 days of torrential downpour.

-It’s not polite to point, so I gawk instead.

-One of the reasons why you yawn is because you need to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. So when you yawn, the pressure change outside of your eardrums unbalances other people’s eardrum pressures so they must yawn also to even it out. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why yawns are contagious.

-Even if you aren’t a fan of Tool, I suggest you watch this video demonstrating the Fibonacci number sequence in Tool’s “Lateralus”. It’s very interesting and if not only pure coincidence: genius. [Video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS7CZIJVxFY&fmt=18 ]

-Despite how disgusting it sounds, cheese in an aerosol can was a really great idea.

-When one door is locked, hope that a window was left open. That’s the burglar’s version of the similar motto.

-Clarissa Explains It All was a good damn show. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

-On Tuesday the Senate unanimously passed a bill that would make it a third degree felony for anyone to have sex with an animal in Florida. That’s a step forward, rest assured everyone.

-When working on our homework together, my ex asked me what the capitol of Paris was. I told her she reminds me of a lava lamp; fun to look at, but not very bright. She never let me live it down.

-The first publicized robot attack and it’s a whopping two years after the fact. A worker was performing maintenance on a robot designed to lift heavy rocks when the robot suddenly came to life then picked up and nearly chocked the worker to death. The worker managed to escape its grasp but suffered four broken ribs among other serious injuries. [Source article: http://www.thelocal.se/19120.html ]

-Pro Tip: If there is a zipper going down your butt crack your pants are probably on backwards.

-Before any night of partying, I seclude myself in a quiet room and evaluate my goals for the evening: I will not spend more than the cash I have in my wallet, I will not make a fool of myself, I will not get thrown up on, I will not throw up on others. Then I put on my tuxedo shirt and flip flops and head out on the town.

Keeping Score, With Fingers And Toes

Posted on by
2

-I’m not too sure about victory, but I definitely know the smell of utter defeat.

-I think I can speak on behalf of all men when I say that it is really fucking hard to focus when there is an abundant amount of cleavage in a room.

-There’s no better way to learn awkward information about your friends than through a rousing game of Never Have I Ever.

-My mind likes to play tricks on me. I tell him he’s really smart and he makes me do stupid things to impress girls.

-People skills are an important tool for proper social interactions. Dropping your pants in the middle of a crowded room and singing Kumbaya is not a demonstration of proper people skills.

-I’m compiling a list of names. A list of names of people I’d like to see thrown into a giant vat of Jell-O.

-The tagline “This will make your dick explode!” is a terrible attempt at promotion even if it’s for a male enhancement pill.

-Amputation is the new option for people who want to lose a quick 10-20lbs.

-If I had a pet dinosaur, the first trick I’d teach him would be how to play extinct. The second trick I’d teach him would be to not eat me.

-If a blind person tells you to “Watch out!” is he a liar and a total prick or does he just have a great sense of humor?

-With the proper number of stamps attached to your face, you should be able to mail yourself anywhere in the world.

-If the devil is real, I’m almost certain he has at least a part-time position at the DMV.

-Lines of advice that rhyme or are typically presented in a limerick form are usually not good advice.

-The ambition to be invited onto a tour bus for a night of intense passion with a famous person is quickly overshadowed by the depths of which your morals will have to sink in order to go through with the act.

-Here’s a little advice that might get you through the week: If you can’t swim, don’t rock the boat.

Bathroom Stall Of Fame

Posted on by
Reply

-I made my spring resolutions today. You know what spring resolutions are, right? They’re the second chance at the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already broke. There’s also such a thing as fall resolutions if you still can’t keep your promises to yourself. On the other hand however, there is not such thing as summer resolutions. All bets are off for the summertime.

-I want to live on the moon. Then I wouldn’t have to mow the fucking grass.

-Before I die, I want to be involved in a huge city mob. I want to be that guy in the background with the flaming torch who yells “Let’s get him guys!”

-Bad luck is trying to catch a suicidal person as they jump from a roof and in turn the weight of their body landing on you kills you but lets them walk away unscathed.

-You know an expression I really miss? “Insane with the membrane.”

-Twilight isn’t a vampire movie per say. It’s actually a documentary of a pale high school kid who is constantly making funny faces in between reapplying large amounts of hair gel and stalking innocent girls while they sleep.

-I don’t do drugs because almost 5% of them are smuggled into the country rectally. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.

-You know why they haven’t changed the Slinky? You can’t improve perfection.

-I wore a calculator watch when I was younger. Not because it was convenient, not because I was a dork, I wore it because I cheated on math tests.

-”Incest” is a really hilarious typo when you mean “insect”. Especially when talking about incest repellant spray or when you’re telling a story about how you had to slap the incest right off your face!

-Unless you’re a bee farmer you have absolutely no reason to ever, ever, say “None of your bees wax.”

-Did you know that Adolf Hitler abstained from alcohol?

-I order all of my condoms online. There’s no better way to guarantee a safe, secure, contraceptive than to have it delivered to my house in the mid afternoon by the delicate hands of a postal worker only to me left on my doorstep for hours until I arrive home.

-I enjoy pulling people’s legs. Not jokingly, I mean literally: I enjoy hiding under things and pulling people’s appendages as they stroll by. It makes me giggle.

Shimmy, Shimmy, Shake

Posted on by
1

-Out with the old, in with the stupid.

-My weekly routine includes binge drinking and a little bit of crying.

-Wind chimes; one of mankind’s most annoying inventions, second only to alarm clocks.

-Trapped in a box is too easy, I want to see a mime pretend to be trapped in a giant hamster ball.

-I got a tattoo this weekend. It’s a tiny little squiggly on the side of my face. That way people can tell me “Hey, you got something on your face.” and I can rub the opposite side of my head so they have to tell me “No, no, other side.” Then they’ll demonstrate where it’s at and I can just keep rubbing the wrong spot until they get frustrated and lie to me and tell me that I got it and that it’s gone now. Then I can call them a liar. This will show me who my friends really are. Friends don’t let friends walk around with shit on their faces.

-I’m strongly opposed to young people driving while under the influence of terrible music.

-Now I’ve seen everything. This morning I saw a lady on a treadmill wearing fuzzy house slippers. It’s a bold way of saying, “I’m here to get in shape, but I’m still too lazy to tie any laces.”

-”No human thing is of serious importance.” – Plato

-Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalianism is the expression you use to say that a word is really, really long. Should be pretty easy to remember.

-If the bed isn’t squeaking you’re doing it wrong.

-Which would make for a better epitaph; a man mauled by one really huge cat or a man eaten by three dozen regular house cats?

-The best inventions are the ones you don’t appreciate until they’re not around.

-Green is a tricky color. There’s only a few shades difference between forest green and baby puke.

-Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing pictures of those people who put on way too much bronzer and now look like Oompa-Loompas.

-I had a dream that I woke up and went to work. Then, when I really did wake up, I went to work, thus turning my Sunday into the fourth worst day of my entire life.

-And lastly, some advice for the road: hanging out with assholes is a good way to smell like shit.

Calling Myself Names

Posted on by
1

-Scarecrow: you have to appreciate that name for how honest and literal it is. Now we just need to start calling shoes “foot holders”, umbrellas “rain stoppers”, and condoms “can’t feel a thing might as well be jerking it”.

-You know a music album is really terrible when you download it but yet still feel ripped off.

-When you go to a strip club and your dancer has nipples that taste like cheap beer, it’s a sign that you probably weren’t the first to kiss her nibbly-bibblies. Either that or she has some seriously awesome hygienic mutation.

-Speaking of strip clubs, have you ever noticed that stories about trips to a strip club are a lot like fishing stories? Each time you hear the story told it gets wilder and crazier than the last version you heard. “So there I was, at Heart Stoppers’ Gentlemen’s Club, under one arm I had the head of the robotic dinosaur I had to kill in the parking lot and under the other arm I was carrying the urn filled with my grandmother’s ashes. Guess who came on stage to dance next! …Come on, guess!? Carmen fucking Electra, man! It was a crazy night!”

-Rumors travel around the office almost as fast as Chlamydia. If rumors travelled faster then the office would have known that sleeping with each other on the latest business trip would a great way to get an STD.

-I was talked into having a few drinks by this great tag line “This tequila is so good, it will make love to your mouth.” The part they didn’t tell me was that it wasn’t nearly as loving or as gentle the next morning when it passed through my mouth a second time.

-If I’m ever stranded in the desert, I’ll just call a friend and have them mail me some ice cubes or something. Sounds like a good plan to me.

-I want to start my own delicious pastry business. To stand out though, all of our products will be named depressing names, like Cupcakes of Misery, As Close As You’ll Ever Get To The Feeling of The Real Thing Apple Pie, and Because You Live In Your Mom’s Basement Chocolate Chip Cookies. At check-out, we’ll insult your appearance.

-Pretend you were in some weird knife swallowing accident and your voice box was forever damaged; would you rather have to sound like Darth Vader or have to talk like Elmo from Sesame Street for the rest of your life?

-Well now I’m off to the gym; partially to get in shape, but mostly because I enjoy being surrounded by sweaty, smelly people.

Come And Take A Ride On The Guillotine

Posted on by
Reply

-Sam’s Club isn’t really a club – they don’t have a secret handshake.

-I want to strongly encourage creativity in my children, so when there isn’t anymore room left for drawings on the fridge, I’ll buy a bigger fridge.

-Free Willy 3? Come on! How much fucking trouble can one whale get into? You freed him once and you would think he learned his lesson the first time.

-If everyone’s fists were made out of chocolate cake, then being punched in the face would be delicious.

-When I was nine I accidentally knocked up my imaginary friend. Two years later, we got a divorce and haven’t spoken since. I have a pretty vivid imagination.

-Eventually, they’ll run out of inhabitable places and there’ll be episodes of Survivorman where Les Stroud will have survive a week trapped inside Yankee Stadium, or Survivorman: Circus Town where Les Stroud has to last the entire week going around in circles on a carousel.

-I have a wine taste on a beer budget. If only that was reversed, then I’d be content with just having a ridiculous amount of beer.

-Where do you think you would go crazy the fastest: being trapped inside a bathroom stall or being trapped inside an elevator? I need to know so that if either happens, I can tell myself, “Well it could be worse, I could be trapped inside a bathroom stall/elevator.” You’ve got to stay positive in these times of crisis.

-The word “love” has become far too common place these days, so when I’m really emotional about something I say that I adore it. Unfortunately, when my last girlfriend told me she loved me and I replied that I adore her, she broke up with me.

-There should be at least a 5 year waiting time before you can put “…Since 2008!” or “Established 2007.” on your company slogan.

-Being a clumsy person is getting peanut butter and jelly in your hair when you’re eating a grilled cheese sandwich.

-A clear conscious is a sign of a terrible memory.

-Life goes on; it always does, until it doesn’t.

When The Cows Come Home To Roost

Posted on by
Reply

-I suffered four days of water torture, had most of my toenails removed, and was nearly electrocuted to death as the investigators just kept asking me the same question over and over again: Where’s Waldo?

-The one day of the year I go green is tomorrow: Saint Patrick’s Day. My clothes will be green, my beer will be green, and consequently, my pee will be green.

-I’d like to have a coat made out of the bath mat material; warm, soft, and mildew resistant.

-The year that doors were invented I bet masturbation went up at least 200%.

-If you’re blind you kind of have to be organized. If you don’t put stuff back where it belongs your bowl of cereal could become a bowl of Cascade dish soap drizzled over a handful of bolts. Not to mention that you’ll be eating them out of your cats food bowl instead of your favorite Batman plastic bowl.

-”More fun than a barrel of monkeys.” I’m not sure if this expression refers to the plastic toy or a literal barrel of live monkeys. Honestly, neither sound like very much fun to me.

-It takes a whole lot of bad behavior to get kicked out of IHOP.

-In 207 BC, Chrysippus, a Greek philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunk donkey attempt to eat figs. Story of my life.

-Which do you think came first; the giant q-tip people fight with on American Gladiators or the q-tip we use to clean our ears?

-It should be a rule that anytime you tell your significant other that you are going to take a shower that it be taken as an open invitation to join.

-During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men’s beards. I’m not sure if the tax was measured by number of hairs, length of hair, or overall weight of the beard, but I’m sure Gillette would love a tax like that today.

-I don’t smoke, but I still complain with my friends about the rising price of tobacco products.

-Floral patterns have no place in my life.

-The problem with truth is its lack of elaborate embellishment.

-I’ll make all of your dreams come true for the small monthly fee of $29.95!

Friday The Thirteenth, Beware Of Hockey Goalies With Sharp Objects

Posted on by
Reply

-My weekend is going to be about as sad as watching Edward Scissorhands try to catch a butterfly.

-I ate at a restaurant that served “A bowl of sexy Jell-O” as a dessert. I’m not sure what made it sexy, perhaps the way it jiggled? Maybe it was cut into some sort of adult shape? I settled for the nude key lime pie and a cup of prostitution instead.

-I think that during these economic times we need to define the American Dream 2.0. I’m pretty sure that the way things are now is a sign that maybe the first dream isn’t working out as well as we would have liked it to.

-Sorry if this isn’t very funny, last night I was drinking and hit on a girl that looked like a cross between Rosie O’Donnell and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m currently reevaluating my goals and life decisions.

-The unfortunate dyslexic dictator; he’ll never understand why his plan to conquer then divide didn’t work.

-Have you ever misspoken and said something like telling your neighbors that your new babysitter is very sexual when you actually meant to say she’s very sensible? Me neither, but it’d be pretty, huh?

-I was watching one of those house hunting shows and the lady looking for a house really wanted a laundry room that had a window. Why would you want a laundry room with a view? So you can depress yourself as you look outside at all of the other people in the world not doing laundry?

-”It’s only an island if you’re looking at it from the water.”

-I had a dream the other night that I was bobsledding with Tom Cruise and the entire Cool Runnings team. I instantly knew it was a dream when we got to the bottom of the hill and Tom Cruise and I were talking and I mentioned that I was now a believer in scientology. That pretty much diminished any actuality to the entire dream.

-If McDonalds sold lobster, would you try it? I don’t think I’m prepared to take that much of a risk.

-Several guys sitting around talking about their ex’s quickly turns into a plethora of private information you kinda didn’t want to know.

-Ever get that feeling that the trash is sweeping you under the rug instead?

 
Ps. I changed the comment requirements so you no longer have to provide a name and an e-mail address. So, there is no excuse why you can’t leave a few words of love [or hate, whatever floats your boat].