Posts Tagged ‘drugs’
Monday, February 15th, 2010
-When choosing legal council, I always go with the lawyer with the most terrible commercial. If he/she is so eager for work that they are willing to make a complete ass of themselves on public television, then I know they will be able to focus solely on my case.
-All of the good women are taken, but that little hiccup hasn’t stopped me yet.
-What goes around comes around; like Ferris Wheels, merry-go-rounds, umbrellas, balls, and some hats.
-You know your child’s future is rather bleak when the guidance counselor suggests your child look into forklift operating as a potential college major.
-If you believe in Jesus, it isn’t asking much of you to consider the possibility of a zombie outbreak in the future.
-No one can do the robot better than an actual robot. That’s how the machines will take over one day, first it’s our dance moves, then it’s our souls.
-Someone once told me “Remember these words, for they will save your life one day.” Pretty amazing stuff. Words, these, will, for, they, day, remember, life, save, your, one. Wonder how that’s going to save me… Is it a password or something? Will I be forced into a game of real-life Hangman and those are the answers to the puzzle? Only time will tell.
-There are many more things in our broom closet that just brooms. In fact, I don’t think there is even a broom in there at all…
-Corporate sponsors never forget.
-Remember to always burn all incriminating evidence.
-Pimps should start using an Employee of The Month program to boost moral a bit.
-I save all of my Christmas candy canes to give out to trick-or-treaters the following year.
-A naked game of Twister sounds like fun until left-hand green, left-leg yellow, and right-leg red. Then things just take a turn for the worse.
-To whoever does the marketing for Icy Hot, I implore you to create an ad campaign around Blue Oyster Cult’s “I’m Burnin’ For You”.
-If you’re going to get addicted to drugs, I at least hope it’s Children’s Tylenol in the bubblegum flavor. That shit is delicious!
Tags: candy canes, children, commercials, dating, drugs, icy hot, jesus, lawyers, pimps, relationships, robots, twister, women, zombies
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Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
-One time, I wished upon a star that the star would actually fall from the sky and hit my archenemy in the face.
-”Not to invent yourself is to be false. To follow preordained rules is a profound betrayal of what it means to be human.” – David Starkey
-Showers killed my fun of playing with toys in the bathtub. Now, getting old and being sponged by a hot nurse is the only thing about bathing I can look forward to.
-Did you know that if you sniff a lot of petrol and then get tasered by the police, you can actually burst into flames? Happened to this guy: [Article source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090721/twl-tasered-petrol-sniffer-bursts-into-f-3fd0ae9.html ]
-I finished writing my first script this week. It’ll be the first movie with both a musical dance number and a musical sex number.
-A troop of Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes full of drugs would be a really good cover-up for a home delivery service of illicit substances.
-Apparently humans have been killing each other in Iraq for the past 50,000-75,000 years. Newly examined evidence shows that a modern human stabbed a Neanderthal with a spear like object. Survival of the fittest through murder is still evolution. Although I’d like to think that we became the dominate Homo sapiens through means other than just killing, turning on the news today shows that things haven’t changed much. [Article source: http://www.livescience.com/history/090721-neanderthal-murder.html ]
-Candlelight dinners didn’t become romantic until after electricity was invented.
-If you like to hear nothing but bad news, perhaps a profession as a 9-1-1 operator is in your future.
-Everyone has a few stains on their character, but unfortunately I’ve dated a few people that could benefit from an Oxy Clean bath and maybe even drinking a few cups of bleach.
-What do you think happens when you overdose on vitamin C? Does your immune system become so strong that it rejects yourself and you slowly turn inside out or do you think you just turn into an orange?
-For just a few extra dollars, instead of hiring a maid to clean your house you can hire a maid to clean your house while wearing lingerie.
-Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.
Tags: 911, bath time, burst into flame, candlelight, character, cookies, drugs, friends, girl scouts, iraq, lingerie, maid, quote, romantic, script, showers, sponge bath, taser, vitamin c, wish upon a star
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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?
-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.
-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.
-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.
-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.
-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.
-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.
-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.
-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!
-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.
-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.
-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.
-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.
-Forever can be something to bleed for.
Tags: 70s, animals, antarctica, ants, comedy, csi, dating, drugs, dyslexic, employers, ending, fast lane, fold, google, hamburger, harmed, history, hotdog, illegal, long distance, movies, nipples, observant, pants, phone, porn, pro tip, relationship, romantic, russians, sex, sixth sense, slow lane, snoring, std, suppositories, sweaters, torture, world war, writing
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Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
-”I love you.” was the Freudian slip that did me in.
-I’ve never had anything literally “knock my socks off”.
-Pound, pound, and pound all mean different things. That’s why here in America we have to take ten years of English classes for even a high school degree.
-”A great man once advised that if you’re really good at something then you should never do it for free. That’s why it’s going to cost you another $2 for me to refill your drinks.” I enjoy a waitress with a good sense of humor.
-Laundry day often turns into wonder-around-the-house-naked day.
-I was disappointed to discover that there are neither elephants nor clowns on any of the Carnival Cruise Line cruise ships.
-A Chinese woman heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter’s suffering of psychiatric problems. She and her husband then enlisted the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk, 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, served it with some garnish and some pieces of duck, and strangely, it didn’t cure shit and now the killer and the parents are going to face jail time. [News article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5617094/Chinese-woman-boiled-mans-head-to-cure-daugthers-psychiatric-problems.html]
-A neighbor of mine informed me that there is a new trend amongst young people. Kids are smashing up Smarties [you know, those little disc candies that come in a roll of twenty or so] piling the small pieces into lines and snorting them like cocaine. The best part about this trend is that it causes no side effects; it basically just leaves them with burning nostrils and often a headache. These children are the future of the world. These kids are really going to push us in the right direction, I can feel it!
-Reverse engineering can solve a lot of problems, but it won’t fix stupid.
-The gallon of milk in my refrigerator expires on July 4. Somewhere out there, there must be a very patriotic cow, doing her part to support the American economy in this harsh economic climate.
-Kush Support is a nifty little round thing that women can put between their breasts while they sleep to provide natural support to the breasts while they sleep. Here’s the commercial. Commercial is safe for work, but some of the “related” YouTube videos might not be. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbPYfW2s-E&feature=player_embedded]
-I’ll end this one with a little advice once again. If it smells like trout, get the hell out.
Tags: advice, behead, breasts, carnival, chinese, circus, cocaine, commercial, cow, cure, drugs, education, elephants, engineering, english, freudian slip, future, humor, i love you, july 4th, july fourth, kids, laundry, milk, naked, news, patriotic, product, quote, school, smarties, smell, snort, socks, soup, support, trout, waitress, words, youtube
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Friday, May 29th, 2009
-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.
-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.
-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.
-Peace of mind is overrated.
-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.
-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”
-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.
-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.
-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.
-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”
-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.
-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.
-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.
-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.
-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.
-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.
-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.
-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.
Tags: birthday, blondes, blondes vs brunettes, candles, change, drugs, evolution, excuses, fire, flowers, fruit roll ups, girls, high heels, life, lunch ladies, men, old fashioned, pawn shop, peace, peace of mind, pink flamingo, prescriptions, pro tip, questions, quote, relationships, telephone, trick candles, uncertainty, women
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Friday, April 10th, 2009
-I made my spring resolutions today. You know what spring resolutions are, right? They’re the second chance at the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already broke. There’s also such a thing as fall resolutions if you still can’t keep your promises to yourself. On the other hand however, there is not such thing as summer resolutions. All bets are off for the summertime.
-I want to live on the moon. Then I wouldn’t have to mow the fucking grass.
-Before I die, I want to be involved in a huge city mob. I want to be that guy in the background with the flaming torch who yells “Let’s get him guys!”
-Bad luck is trying to catch a suicidal person as they jump from a roof and in turn the weight of their body landing on you kills you but lets them walk away unscathed.
-You know an expression I really miss? “Insane with the membrane.”
-Twilight isn’t a vampire movie per say. It’s actually a documentary of a pale high school kid who is constantly making funny faces in between reapplying large amounts of hair gel and stalking innocent girls while they sleep.
-I don’t do drugs because almost 5% of them are smuggled into the country rectally. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.
-You know why they haven’t changed the Slinky? You can’t improve perfection.
-I wore a calculator watch when I was younger. Not because it was convenient, not because I was a dork, I wore it because I cheated on math tests.
-”Incest” is a really hilarious typo when you mean “insect”. Especially when talking about incest repellant spray or when you’re telling a story about how you had to slap the incest right off your face!
-Unless you’re a bee farmer you have absolutely no reason to ever, ever, say “None of your bees wax.”
-Did you know that Adolf Hitler abstained from alcohol?
-I order all of my condoms online. There’s no better way to guarantee a safe, secure, contraceptive than to have it delivered to my house in the mid afternoon by the delicate hands of a postal worker only to me left on my doorstep for hours until I arrive home.
-I enjoy pulling people’s legs. Not jokingly, I mean literally: I enjoy hiding under things and pulling people’s appendages as they stroll by. It makes me giggle.
Tags: alcohol, bad luck, calculator watch, condoms, drinking, drugs, expression, inventions, mobs, moon, movies, quotes, resolutions, slinky, toys, twilight, typos, vampires
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Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
-I have a beard, I make the rules.
-If you live along the southern border of the United States, I suggest you learn Spanish. It’s always a good idea to learn the language of your conquerors.
-The good thing about global warming is that maybe I’ll finally have a nice even tan. I don’t know about you, but once the temperature gets above 110 degrees I’m just going to stop wearing pants all together.
-I passed the Good Samaritan test this morning. While walking out to my car, there was a brand new Mercedes car with its door wide open. I looked around, didn’t see anybody nearby so I shut the car door. On my way out of the parking lot a police car stopped me and told me thanks for being so nice, but that they were waiting for someone to try to take the car or for someone to steal belongings from inside. Little did he know, I planned to come back with a big sack so I could more easily carry the sweet roller blades that were laying in the backseat and the two stray golf clubs that were lying on the floorboard. Good thing he blew his cover. That would have been really embarrassing.
-My favorite thing about James Bond flicks is the ridiculous names for the lead ladies. Could you imagine a girl actually having to suffer through public school with a name like Pussy Galore?
-I had a dream that I lived in a great and wonderful world made entirely of sand, then in that dream it started to rain and everything turned to mud and muck. It must have been a representation of my last relationship. Fucking whore, but I digress.
-I’m a very patient man. Yesterday I waited in line at the bank for 45 minutes just to get a pen.
-I wonder who came up with the idea that giving someone a bouquet of thorny, blood red flowers would be a good way to show their love for someone. I would have gone for something lighter in color that didn’t have a possibility of making someone bleed, but I guess that’s just me.
-I dated a model once. A plus size model, but still, doesn’t mean I can’t brag a little.
-Aren’t all drugs recreational drugs? Is there really anyone who takes drugs professionally?
-I’m a strong advocate of free speech. I started a 500 man petition to Wheel of Fortune to stop making people buy vowels.
-”In the backroom she’s everyone darling.”
Tags: beard, border, dating, drug use, drugs, flowers, free speech, global warming, good samaritan, james bond, model, mud, pants, pantsless, patience, police, quote, relationships, roses, rules, sand, spanish, wheel of fortune
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