Tag Archives: drunk

Nothing Else I’d Rather Do

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-There are about 640 muscles in the human body, never in my life have all of them been having a good time at the same time.

-Have you ever seen some really bad or crazy haircut and thought to yourself “Man, they must have fallen down a flight of stairs with a pair of scissors in one hand and a weed whacker in the other.”?

-If I could go back and do it all again, I’d a hire a midget to stay in my backpack and do all of my school work for me.

-Making out is really cool until you lose your virginity, then it’s just another tedious step in the process of getting to what you’re really after: which is love, true everlasting love, of course. What did you think I meant?

-Every time I throw coins into a wishing well I make the same wish. I always wish that I had more coins to throw into it.

-”Sexting” is the hottest new trend for paying ridiculous phone prices to get a little bit of excitement. Nothing gives that feeling of a sexy private moment like anonymous and heavily abbreviated text messages sent every few minutes. “I’m going to rub your…” [two minutes and $0.99 later] “…back to relax you. Then I’ll take off my…” [two more minutes and another $0.99] “…fur coat because it sure is hot.” Perhaps this is the real reason why our economy is in the shitter. Poor money management.

-My finals are finally over, finally. So this weekend I’m going to drink until I develop methyphobia (a fear of alcohol).

-If someone asks you the hypothetical question about being stranded on an island and only being able to bring one thing and you answer anything other than an airplane or a boat, you’re stupid.

-Are you open-minded? [video link: http://www.dailymotion.com/user/totocacapouet/video/x8uei4_openmindedness_tech ]

-”My heart belongs to you, but my cock is community property.” – Steel Panther

-It’s impossible to sound stern or serious while saying “Okie-dokie!”

-Having an antidepressant addiction is the happiest bad habit you could possibly have.

-Today is International Bra Free Day. I’ll give you ladies a minute to unclasp and get comfy… Okay, now take a picture and send it to me it just might reduce your chances of breast cancer. Well, not the sending the picture part, but the freeing of the breastesses has proven to be better for your health.

-When you can’t say anything nice shut the fuck up, please.

Gypsies, Toads, And Evildoers

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-This will be the most difficult blog I’ve ever had to write; not because I have nothing funny to talk about, not because I’ve joined the CIA and been sworn to secrecy, not because I lost all of my fingers in a terrible jungle gym accident, but because I have two of my fingers stuck in an ancient Chinese finger trap. Okay to be honest, it’s not ancient, I bought it yesterday, and it actually says “Made in Taiwan”, not China, but still.

-I’m a strong advocate of fairness; I believe that we should all suffer equally.

-Debriefing sounds like something you do just before you hop in the shower or just before having sex.

-I’d like to hope that reincarnation is completely impossible, that way I don’t have to worry about coming back into this world as a drink coaster. That’d pretty much suck balls.

-Nothing irks me more than someone ruining the ending of a good porn flick.

-I was stuck in an elevator once. We were only in there for about an hour, but after 15 minutes or so I broke the silence and suggested that we eat one of the other stranded passengers. Apparently there is a time limit on how long you have to wait until suggesting cannibalism is considered plausible and acceptable.

-I end all of my emails and letters with “Ps. I was naked when I wrote this.” regardless of if it’s true or not. No one really appreciates it more than my Business Law teacher when I send in my homework.

-Nothing says “I couldn’t care less about what you think of me” like a hat that says “Fuck you” really big on it.

-If you’re not spitting blood and teary eyed after brushing your teeth than you’re not doing it right.

-Everyone has hobbies. One of mine is collecting paper. I have them sorted into stacks by what’s on them and I store them in different locations throughout my house. I keep the ones with “$” on them in a big metal box in my closet, the pieces of paper with song lyrics on them are kept with my music collection, I throw the ones that say “bill” on them in my garbage can, and the ones with pictures of naked people on them are kept under my bed.

-I had a dream last night that I was trapped inside of a kaleidoscope with dozens of furry animals. Then, after I saw the pictures on my friends phone, I realized I had just gotten totally plastered at Chucky Cheese and couldn’t find my way out of the ball pit.