Posts Tagged ‘elderly’
Great Idea
Saturday, May 15th, 2010Just When You Thought I Was Dead
Saturday, February 6th, 2010-I shit you not, I was at the gym earlier this week and a lady next to me was eating a bag of candy while she was walking on a treadmill.
-If space travel does become privatized after the passing of the budget for 2010, I wonder how long it will be before we see the first porno filmed in zero gravity. My prediction is 26 minutes and 28 seconds.
-Nothing rots your brain faster than watching an elderly couple try to operate a digital photo kiosk.
-If Peewee Herman had super powers what would they be? I think it would be the ability to rid the world of innocent children in less than 30 minutes of air time with just a rubber chicken and a handful of petroleum jelly.
-I live my life under the belief that shit will hopefully, eventually, work itself the fuck out.
-If your car is more than 3 years old and you use the “new car smell” air freshener at the carwash, you’re an idiot. If your car is less than 1 year old and you use the “new car smell” at the carwash, you’re also an idiot.
-Divorce court: where two souls joined together in harmony once again become two separate souls living miserably with more baggage than allowed as carry-on by most international air travel agencies.
-I want to be cremated and have my ashes dumped on unsuspecting people on a New York subway train. Wait, nevermind, I want my ashes put inside a piñata and broken open at a birthday party.
-If I could go back in time, I’d teach dinosaurs how to build robots. I don’t see any consequential problems arising from their introduction to future technology. None, whatsoever.
-Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest. That’s just silly folklore. It only takes about a week. Trust me, you don’t even want to know how I tested that.
-If you’re ever considering becoming a serial killer, I strongly suggest watching every Law and Order and CSI episode you can possibly catch. There are a whole bunch of great dos and don’ts to be learned.
-Whiskey whispers is what you call it when you speak softly to someone but you are too drunk to make any sense.
-There are two “Amateur Nights” I never attend: at the strip club and at the shooting range.
As Serious As An Erection Problem
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.
-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.
-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.
-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!
-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador
-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?
-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!
-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.
-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.
-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.
-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.
-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.
-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.
-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.
-Ignorance is not bliss.