Tag Archives: elevator

I Will Treat You Right

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-What if one day your computer becomes self-aware and tells everyone all of the horrible, horrible things you’ve been looking at?

-I bet Tyrannosaurs were the best knitters.

-“I thought she might be crazy when she saved a loose fingernail clipping of mine that got left on the bathroom floor, but when she looked straight into my eyes and asked if I could do the dishes I knew she was bat-shit crazy!”

-Dictionaries can tell a million stories. They have all the right words you just have to find the perfect order.

-It took many years and many one dollar bills, but I have finally overcome my fear of naked, uninhibited breasts.

-The most common lie told these days is “Yes, I have read and agree to the terms and conditions.”

-Nothing is worse than being embarrassed and feeling flush and then someone points out how red your face is and how embarrassed you must be. Thanks. People are such dicks.

-“Cute as a button” – what kind of weird apparel fetish do you have?

-It really upsets me when a store has double-doors but they only have one door unlocked. What kind of weird mind experiment trick are playing on me shop keeper?! I demand answers!

-“Do you know how fast you were going?” “No officer, I bought the only car on the entire planet that doesn’t have a speedometer. This sweet ride is pretty much just a Power Wheels on steroids.”

-Few things in this world could be worse than being trapped in an elevator with a mime who takes miming extremely seriously.

-Your love is a trapdoor that is a slide made of rainbows that leads to a vat of glitter that slowly swallows me like quicksand and I’m being smothered by the dazzle and choking on the magic.

Gypsies, Toads, And Evildoers

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-This will be the most difficult blog I’ve ever had to write; not because I have nothing funny to talk about, not because I’ve joined the CIA and been sworn to secrecy, not because I lost all of my fingers in a terrible jungle gym accident, but because I have two of my fingers stuck in an ancient Chinese finger trap. Okay to be honest, it’s not ancient, I bought it yesterday, and it actually says “Made in Taiwan”, not China, but still.

-I’m a strong advocate of fairness; I believe that we should all suffer equally.

-Debriefing sounds like something you do just before you hop in the shower or just before having sex.

-I’d like to hope that reincarnation is completely impossible, that way I don’t have to worry about coming back into this world as a drink coaster. That’d pretty much suck balls.

-Nothing irks me more than someone ruining the ending of a good porn flick.

-I was stuck in an elevator once. We were only in there for about an hour, but after 15 minutes or so I broke the silence and suggested that we eat one of the other stranded passengers. Apparently there is a time limit on how long you have to wait until suggesting cannibalism is considered plausible and acceptable.

-I end all of my emails and letters with “Ps. I was naked when I wrote this.” regardless of if it’s true or not. No one really appreciates it more than my Business Law teacher when I send in my homework.

-Nothing says “I couldn’t care less about what you think of me” like a hat that says “Fuck you” really big on it.

-If you’re not spitting blood and teary eyed after brushing your teeth than you’re not doing it right.

-Everyone has hobbies. One of mine is collecting paper. I have them sorted into stacks by what’s on them and I store them in different locations throughout my house. I keep the ones with “$” on them in a big metal box in my closet, the pieces of paper with song lyrics on them are kept with my music collection, I throw the ones that say “bill” on them in my garbage can, and the ones with pictures of naked people on them are kept under my bed.

-I had a dream last night that I was trapped inside of a kaleidoscope with dozens of furry animals. Then, after I saw the pictures on my friends phone, I realized I had just gotten totally plastered at Chucky Cheese and couldn’t find my way out of the ball pit.