Tag Archives: evolution

Super Obnoxious

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-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

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-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.

From Bad To Worse

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Bad: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while on a construction site.
Worse: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while in a port-o-potty.

Bad: Getting lost in the woods and having to eventually eat your friend in order to survive.
Worse: Getting lost in the woods and being eaten by your friend for their survival.

Bad: Go on a fishing trip but come back with no fish.
Worse: Go on a fishing trip and come back with herpes.

Bad: Forgetting your wallet in your car.
Worse: Forgetting your child in your car.

Bad: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “Intervention”.
Worse: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “To Catch A Predator”.

Bad: Sitting next to someone talking through an entire movie.
Worse: Sitting next to someone giving birth through an entire movie.

Bad: Life is getting just too tough for you so you jump off a roof.
Worse: You live and are now 3 inches shorter.

Bad: Losing your keys at a party and not remembering where you left them.
Worse: Losing your virginity at a party and not remembering who took it.

Bad: You rig up your car so you have your own makeshift ejection seat.
Worse: You accidentally eject yourself while on the bottom floor of a parking garage.

Bad: Finding out Darth Vader is your father.
Worse: Finding out your love interest is actually your sister.

Bad: You get breast implants done by a blind surgeon.
Worse: You get breast implants done by a blind, armless surgeon.

Bad: Someone tells you that you’re ugly.
Worse: Someone tells you that your face reminds them of a Picasso painting.

Bad: You fall down a flight of stairs and lose all but one of your teeth.
Worse: Afterwards, you go to the dentist and he tells you that you have a cavity.

Bad: You go down a waterslide and somehow lose your swimsuit and go down it naked.
Worse: You go down a waterslide and lose your swimsuit but then there is a freak accident and the slide is instantly drained of all its water. You skid down the dry slide inch by inch only to plop out into an empty concrete pool.

Bad: Scientists finally discover the missing link and are able to determine your exact evolutionary progress.
Worse: Scientists prove, once and for all, that you are in fact a direct descendant of a pile of dung.

Bad: You have to imagine the class in their underwear when you give a speech.
Worse: You are actually only in your underwear when you give a speech to your class.