Tag Archives: expression

It Only Took A Day

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 -The expression “Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.” has no validity on a nudist beach.

-The more I look around at the world today, the more I’m convinced that the Tree of Wisdom was axed down to make room for a Starbucks.

-When you have one of those days where it feels like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders, just remember it’s only 130,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000lbs. That’s not too bad if you really think about it.

-I want to die behind the wheel of a car… No, I want to go quietly in my sleep… Nah, I want to go quietly in my sleep while behind the wheel of a car. Hopefully my passengers want to go out screaming and panicking while violently shaking a sleeping man.

-This has to be the best album title ever: C-Murder’s “The Truest Shit I Ever Said”.

-When I blow my nose I have to cup the tissue real close to my face otherwise my brain might shoot out.

-Statistically, the most common expression used in games of Hangman is “hangman” (how creative we are!). When playing, I usually start off with sexually transmitted diseases and then move on to names of terminal illnesses. I think we’d all rather be hung than have “genital warts” or “cancer of the ball sack”. Losing doesn’t seem so bad then.

-You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. Well, if the girl is 2,000lbs, then you can’t take her out of the trailer park either.

-Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. That’s why you should remind them at every single opportunity possible.

-Isn’t an occult pretty much the same thing as a cult? I’m having a hard time figuring out what to put on the cover of my membership brochures.

-Apparently this man-rule hasn’t been passed down through the generations as it should be, so I’m going to state it plain and simple for you to hear and understand: Never buy your girlfriend/wife a fake dick that is bigger than your dick.

-There are things in life I fear I’ll never learn to do. Like how to look seductive while reading a newspaper.

-I have so much stuff that I’m supposed to take to the grave with me that I just might have to be cremated to fit it all in my coffin.

-I remember the afternoons we used to spend together before you got too cool. I miss them.

More Forgiving Than The Waistband On A Pair Of Sweatpants

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-Sometimes it takes a violent zombie attack to really show you what you’re made of.

-I know a movie plot that would please both the men and the women in the audience. It will start off as a typical romantic comedy and then in the third act robots will suddenly show up and kill all of the main characters, the end.

-I don’t give in to peer pressure, I surrender to it.

-There could be a very interesting string of commercials resulting from Smoothie King and Burger King merging. Each one showing their struggle to gain control of a marketing region, spilt ketchup packets and fruit skins littering a battlefield, napkins covering the remains of smashed fries, and battle equipment made from straws and plastic cups.

-Having a romantic moment in the rain can be as simple as being completely naked under your $5 rain poncho.

-”Sneaky as a slug” seems like a completely legitimate expression that ought to exists.

-People who aren’t handicapped that park in handicap parking spaces should be made handicap.

-You can play the air guitar and look kinda cool, you can play air drums and show everyone you have great rhythm, but when you play the air harmonica, everyone will just think you’re mimicking the actions of eating corn on the cob and they’ll just stare at you.

-I’m a third generation paper airplane builder. My father’s father taught him, my father taught me, and I’ll be sure to teach my children the dying art form of constructing paper flying contraptions.

-If you were to give up wearing underwear, you’d have about forty-five minutes of extra free time each year.

-You never see a series of violent finger paintings. I think it’s because once you get the paint all over your hands you can’t help but enjoy yourself as you make a huge mess.

-Someone needs to make a sitcom about an Italian mob family trying to kill Houdini. Every week they find him, chain him up, and throw in lake, yet he escapes every time.

-Does lint go from your pocket to your belly button or from your belly button to your pocket?

-Give a man a fish and he’ll be fed for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will be fed until he slowly dies of mercury poisoning.

-Under-wire bras; I can’t think of any better use of metal wire, can you?

I Double Dog Dare You

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-If I had a pet dragon, I’d host more barbeque parties.

-It’d be really hard to hide the evidence if you were having a romantic affair with a giant Cheeto puff.

-I’m going to get my nipples pierced and then gauged so that way I have a place to hang my keys when I don’t have any pockets.

-Trapper Keeper binders don’t do a very good job of catching cats that stray into your yard.

-A turtle, a sloth and a snail walk into a bar… Nevermind, this joke is going nowhere fast.

-Overly starched britches are the next best thing to wearing a cardboard box as pants.

-I doubt that the expression “silent but deadly” was ever used to describe anything but farts.

-”Hush Puppies” was a slang term for women’s breasts before it became a popular southern food item.

-My junior year, I had a classmate that really was old school – he sat in the back row of the class and carved the end of his pencil with a hunting knife. When he wanted to write with ink he’d have to set up his ink well and quill pen set.

-A good band name would be “Fine Tonal Quality”. Their first album can be called “Fine Music Arranged In A Meaningful Succession”.

-Have you ever felt like your liver is on fire, your kidneys are full of acid and it feels like all of your fingernails are being bent back slowly? Me neither, but it sounds like it would hurt.

-The world economy is so bad that even brothels are making cutbacks. For example, in Germany, many brothels have added an all-you-can-eat type sexual arrangement instead of the customer paying for hourly services. While that method is new, they have had other special offers to help increase business such as discounts for disabled patrons, and 10% if you ride a bicycle or take public transportation to the brothel. [Article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/5922789/Recession-hit-brothels-offer-novel-promotions.html ]

-Picking out condoms and lube together as a couple isn’t romantic, even if it is by candlelight.

-Right now I’m recovering from a serious bubble gum flavored Pepto-Bismol addiction.

-Assume all strangers are assholes. You will be pleasantly surprised to find out that most of them turn out to just be jerks.

Embracing The Stupid Of Tomorrow

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-I don’t like to brag, but I beat a deaf, blind kid at pinball once.

-I’m not for certain, but I’m pretty sure that a Native American breaking into your room and setting your novelty dreamcatcher on fire and then peeing on it to put out the fire is not a good sign.

-If you didn’t know the definition, you might think that someone calling you a “sexist” was actually a pretty awesome compliment.

-It’s the differences between us that keep us sane.

-I really hope I die on one of my days off. I’d really hate to spend a whole day at work only to bite the dirt on my way home. What a waste of a day that would be.

-On an application for a job or school or anything really, it’s never a good idea to put “freelance gynecologist” in the Hobbies/Other Interests section.

-I met a guy named Ted D. Bear today. I told him it was unfortunate that his parents hate him that much, but at least they didn’t name him Snuggles or Yogi.

-Everything should be judged and rated by a 5-star peer review system. Online dating networks could rate each candidate by their past performances, underwear at Victoria’s Secret sorted by a 5-star rating of sexiest to least sexy, or dogs at the kennel rated least likely to tear your entire house apart.

-Pro tip: If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s probably not your damn shoe.

-I discovered the best rap song lyrics ever: “Got a one track mind / Gotta, gotta, gotta get dat behind. / Booty booty, fresh and fruity / Gotta, gotta, hit dat booty.” So classy, so modern; I love it.

-Some call me a hopeless romantic, but I call myself stupid. I have a terrible habit of falling madly in love with girls who couldn’t care less about me.

-After being in Happy Gilmore, I wonder how many times Bob Barker wanted to actually tell a contestant “The price is wrong, bitch!”

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the expression “Got to piss like a race horse.”

-Cheech and Chong need their own Saturday morning cartoon special.

-I need more readers! Spread the word and let your friends know about AmazinglyMundane.com through Facebook by becoming a fan of the AmazinglyMundane.com Page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/AmazinglyMundanecom/87514425205  or by adding me as a friend on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/ldforrest

-Not to sound too needy, but I also need bodies! In my quest for finding more work as a graphic designer, I need more and more samples for my portfolio. I am currently seeking amateur models in the Houston area for portraits and staged photography! Contact me at ldforrest at hotmail dot com if you’re interested!

Bathroom Stall Of Fame

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-I made my spring resolutions today. You know what spring resolutions are, right? They’re the second chance at the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already broke. There’s also such a thing as fall resolutions if you still can’t keep your promises to yourself. On the other hand however, there is not such thing as summer resolutions. All bets are off for the summertime.

-I want to live on the moon. Then I wouldn’t have to mow the fucking grass.

-Before I die, I want to be involved in a huge city mob. I want to be that guy in the background with the flaming torch who yells “Let’s get him guys!”

-Bad luck is trying to catch a suicidal person as they jump from a roof and in turn the weight of their body landing on you kills you but lets them walk away unscathed.

-You know an expression I really miss? “Insane with the membrane.”

-Twilight isn’t a vampire movie per say. It’s actually a documentary of a pale high school kid who is constantly making funny faces in between reapplying large amounts of hair gel and stalking innocent girls while they sleep.

-I don’t do drugs because almost 5% of them are smuggled into the country rectally. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.

-You know why they haven’t changed the Slinky? You can’t improve perfection.

-I wore a calculator watch when I was younger. Not because it was convenient, not because I was a dork, I wore it because I cheated on math tests.

-”Incest” is a really hilarious typo when you mean “insect”. Especially when talking about incest repellant spray or when you’re telling a story about how you had to slap the incest right off your face!

-Unless you’re a bee farmer you have absolutely no reason to ever, ever, say “None of your bees wax.”

-Did you know that Adolf Hitler abstained from alcohol?

-I order all of my condoms online. There’s no better way to guarantee a safe, secure, contraceptive than to have it delivered to my house in the mid afternoon by the delicate hands of a postal worker only to me left on my doorstep for hours until I arrive home.

-I enjoy pulling people’s legs. Not jokingly, I mean literally: I enjoy hiding under things and pulling people’s appendages as they stroll by. It makes me giggle.