Tag Archives: facebook

The Whole Kit And Caboodle

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-Bet Bin Laden is really kicking himself for checking-in on his Facebook when he got to his palace in Abbotabad, Pakistan.

-You may have done yoga before, but have you tried yoga-on-fire?

-The sound from snapping your fingers is created by your middle finger hitting your palm and not your thumb rubbing against your index finger.

-Butterflies taste with their feet. So if Jeff Goldblum got mixed up with a butterfly instead of a fly in the teleportation machine, he’d likely never set foot in a public restroom ever again.

-We have Bold and Italic options, what we need now is a Sarcasm setting. Save ourselves a lot of explaining and backpedaling time.

-I used to dread catching a red traffic light, but now I find it to be the optimal time to read and reply to texts.

-My great uncle was killed by a herd of stampeding calico cats.

-My great aunt was a really great storyteller.

-In France you can legally marry a dead person. Talk about a romance gone cold…. a relationship gone stale… a couple’s decay of common interests… a stiff house guest… a dead end relationship. I’ll be here all week ladies and gentlemen!

-Nothing makes for a good story like a series of really bad decisions.

-Here’s to burning bridges as fast as I can clear the last rope-plank step!

A Billion Screaming Babies To Your Headache

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-Been saving up for my funeral; the laser show and pyrotechnics are gonna be awesome!

-I wish ignoring people was as easy in real life as it is on Facebook.

-Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and awkward hard-on’s.

-Saying “in my opinion” before or adding “that’s just my opinion” to the end of every remark really makes you look like a prick. Show some confidence in your judgments and intellectual thoughts. Put your balls on the line and say how you feel unabashed for a change.

-I occasionally frolic, but only when no one is looking.

-There are just some things in life you’re better off not knowing, like what your crush really thinks of you and what hotdogs are made of.

-I carry the burdens of others, not to seem strong, but to empower those who feel weakened.

-A good imagination can get you out of most any trouble, and I mean really deep, deep shit.

-A dentist giving out candy to all of his patients is a good example of ensuring future business.

-When you’re stuck with a problem you can’t solve, banging your head against a wall is only a solution if you need a perfectly head-shaped dent in a wall.

-1:00 AM is my new 9:00 PM now. Unfortunately though, 7:00 AM is still the same shitty 7:00 AM.

-Wishing myself away, until I hear you begging me to stay.

Hackneyed

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-There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, I don’t date fish.

-If  we could regenerate lost limbs, cutting off your own leg with a table knife wouldn’t be a bad way to get out of going to work for a couple days.

-”So, Mrs. Peacock, you weren’t the least bit suspicious when Mr. White asked you to bring a wrench and a candlestick with you to the kitchen?”

-Simon says, shut the fuck up!

-Monday through Thursday you can consider me clinically deceased. I live for the weekends, explicitly, for the weekends.

-The only justice I’ve seen in the world in the past several years was when Britney Spears lost custody of her kids. Oh, and that one woman who was sentenced eight years in prison for cutting off her boyfriend’s dick with a kitchen knife.

-I want my first child to be born in one of those giant ball pits on Chuck-E-Cheese. That’s how I’d want to come into this world.

-Carpet burns never tell the whole story.

-The person you love more than anything on this planet is nearly 70% water.

-When you tell someone they have something on their face, they will always wipe the wrong side first. I just play along and tell them they got it. 

-When you receive a compliment, be ready for the request of a favor in the sentences to follow. “Man, that hat looks great on you!… Can I borrow a kidney next weekend?”

-Due to the increase of school shootings, if you browse the internet a little you can find backpacks that come with bulletproof Kevlar lining. Kind of sad, huh?

-The more popular you are, the less privacy you have. Now thanks to Facebook, you can be a broke, jobless, jerk-off, and abandon your privacy all together without even having to be in a single teenage vampire movie!

-Why is it okay to say “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” but people give you weird looks when you say “I’m so hungry I could eat my neighbors and probably even their annoying little dog.”

-Opinions matter because facts don’t change.

-If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn’t need one. If a girl doesn’t make you wear a condom, you probably should have worn three.

Embracing The Stupid Of Tomorrow

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-I don’t like to brag, but I beat a deaf, blind kid at pinball once.

-I’m not for certain, but I’m pretty sure that a Native American breaking into your room and setting your novelty dreamcatcher on fire and then peeing on it to put out the fire is not a good sign.

-If you didn’t know the definition, you might think that someone calling you a “sexist” was actually a pretty awesome compliment.

-It’s the differences between us that keep us sane.

-I really hope I die on one of my days off. I’d really hate to spend a whole day at work only to bite the dirt on my way home. What a waste of a day that would be.

-On an application for a job or school or anything really, it’s never a good idea to put “freelance gynecologist” in the Hobbies/Other Interests section.

-I met a guy named Ted D. Bear today. I told him it was unfortunate that his parents hate him that much, but at least they didn’t name him Snuggles or Yogi.

-Everything should be judged and rated by a 5-star peer review system. Online dating networks could rate each candidate by their past performances, underwear at Victoria’s Secret sorted by a 5-star rating of sexiest to least sexy, or dogs at the kennel rated least likely to tear your entire house apart.

-Pro tip: If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s probably not your damn shoe.

-I discovered the best rap song lyrics ever: “Got a one track mind / Gotta, gotta, gotta get dat behind. / Booty booty, fresh and fruity / Gotta, gotta, hit dat booty.” So classy, so modern; I love it.

-Some call me a hopeless romantic, but I call myself stupid. I have a terrible habit of falling madly in love with girls who couldn’t care less about me.

-After being in Happy Gilmore, I wonder how many times Bob Barker wanted to actually tell a contestant “The price is wrong, bitch!”

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the expression “Got to piss like a race horse.”

-Cheech and Chong need their own Saturday morning cartoon special.

-I need more readers! Spread the word and let your friends know about AmazinglyMundane.com through Facebook by becoming a fan of the AmazinglyMundane.com Page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/AmazinglyMundanecom/87514425205  or by adding me as a friend on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/ldforrest

-Not to sound too needy, but I also need bodies! In my quest for finding more work as a graphic designer, I need more and more samples for my portfolio. I am currently seeking amateur models in the Houston area for portraits and staged photography! Contact me at ldforrest at hotmail dot com if you’re interested!

You Do Or Don’t, Then You’re Dead

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-Size people up quickly and develop rigid attitudes based only on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to know someone, then you’re asking for trouble.

-As it stands right now, the American education system is about as beneficial to society as a flat tire is to a unicyclist.

-I bet that at one point in time, the internet was just a search engine and one porn website. Even if you searched for Bob Dole, you’d get sent to a page that had at least a couple sets of nipples on it.

-It seems most people aren’t familiar with the expression “whore bath”, so I’ll spell it out for all of you not in the loop. A whore bath is basically someone who stinks, or is sweaty or in some way unclean, so, instead of taking a shower or cleaning up properly, they just douse themselves with enough perfume to kill a rhino.

-When in history did storing your spare coinage inside a farm animal become considered as a good financial savings practice?

-Paint thinner is my anti-drug.

-I eat my gummy bears just like everyone else. First I tear off all of their limbs and eat them, and then I eat the torso, and I save the head for last since it’s the tastiest.

-Despite business in the field being down 30%, the promise of flexible hours and quick cash during these economic times is sending women from typical jobs to jobs at strip clubs and jobs in the adult industry at a record rate. Strip clubs even have a higher percentage of dancers with college degrees than ever before. Now you can get a lap dance and get your taxes filed all in one place.

-I can’t wait until my grandchildren are in school and they have to study the history of MySpace and Facebook because they have a test over how that one day, Susie was a total bitch and updated her status confessing her love for Billy, even though she like totally knew that her friend Christine had a crush on Billy already. Gosh! What a skank!

-”Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels.
The troublemakers. The round
pegs in the square holes – the
ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules and
they have no respect for
the status quo. You can praise
them, disagree with them,
quote them, disbelieve them,
glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing that you
can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.”

- Jack Kerouac