Tag Archives: fathers day

Obviously We Were Different Then

Posted on by
1

-If I was like a cat and knew I had nine lives, I’d probably spend eight of them as a total floozy.

-With divorce as common as it is, I’m surprised there isn’t a Stepfather’s Day.

-No matter how you slice it, that one prick will always grab the piece of pizza that you were eyeing as soon as the lid was opened.

-The people who thought that steam engines would kill off the use of sailboats are probably the same ones who thought K-Mart was just as good as Wal-Mart.

-Do you think more people make plans to vacation in the Middle East or plan to vacation in Wyoming?

-”A woman is closest to being naked when she is well dressed. ” – Coco Chanel

-If it wasn’t for Mickey Mouse I don’t think people would have horrid fears about giant mice living in their houses.

-I can’t wait until I have my own house. I’ll put up my Christmas lights once and then just leave them up until they all burn out, and then I’ll just put another strand over the old ones.

-Prisoner 1: “I’m in here for double homicide. A man cut me off on the highway so I followed him home and killed him and his dog. What are you in for?”
Prisoner 2: “I got caught sharing torrent copies of Free Willy 2 on the Pirate Bay.”

-If there is a way to weasel out of something, then you better believe that weaseling out is going to be Plan A and anything else will only be a backup strategy.

-I was watching CNN last night and after a recent “national” survey they discovered that 29% of college kids binge-drink. Apparently, they really just polled one Mormon school in Iowa, because 29% sounds pretty damn low if you ask me.

-Thanks to games like Rock Band and Guitar Hero, arguments like “My fake band is better than yours!” can happen.

-If you had to be one, would you rather be a loser, a sellout, or a poseur? I think I’d be a sellout. At least a sell out is usually somewhat successful.

-No one wants to be second – that goes for everything from marathons to gangbangs.

-Pro Tip: If the sock puppet isn’t talking, then it’s probably just filled with a regular foot and not with a hand making whimsical gestures.

Hippies

Posted on by
2

-If for some crazy reason Texas does succeed from the United States, I think we should change our motto from just “Don’t mess with Texas” to “Mess with Texas and Texas is going to fuck you up.” Just my two cents.

-After seeing machines harm humans so much in Terminator Salvation, I just had to come home from the movie and beat my toaster with a bat until it apologized for every piece of bread it burnt.

-Have you ever realized that Mother’s Day gifts are typically decorative or whimsical while Father’s Day gifts are almost always purposeful or functional? You find me a girl that wants a power saw and a 12-in-1 ratchet set and I’ll find you a guy that wants a summer dress and a decorative cat sculpture to go in his foyer.

-They say to never judge a book by its cover, which is exactly why I judge them by their title page and the amount of blank pages after the story.

-Ancient Egyptians believed that life was a quest for spiritual ascension which unfolded in stages. Twelve, to be exact, and a thirteenth step was your spirits entrance into the afterlife. If you turned your life into a television show, you’d have only about three months to show your audience the story of your life, showing one episode a week. You’d have to cover birth, adolescence, adulthood, old age, and death. Life is short. Life is too short to be wasted.

-Who do you think would be more vicious: Yogi after you take his picnic basket or Winnie the Pooh after you steal his honey jar?

-When eating inside you always look for a spot with a clean table, when you are eating outside you always look for a place that has a clean seat.

-I can’t wait for video games to become so realistic that if you don’t complete a mission in time your own house will actually burst into flames.

-Amateur night at a strip club is a bunch of girls who come out on stage and actually put more and more clothes on.

-New Jersey is the state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites, 96 of them to be exact. You get pissed when you step in dog poop, imagine getting out of your car and stumbling on a banana peel, falling onto a soiled diaper, and cutting you eye on a dirty syringe… and they are all radioactive.

-I got in trouble for feeding a police officer’s horse a bag of Cheetos once.

-That’s a lie. That never happened, but it’d be pretty funny wouldn’t it; a horse with Cheeto residue all over his muzzle?

-You know, I haven’t heard anything from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee in quite some time now. I wonder if they’re still around.

-Times; they are a changin’, bitches.

So Indecisive It Hurts

Posted on by
Reply

-There’s only about 29,000 mornings in the average person’s lifetime. I’ve decided to watch as many sunrises as I can until my time is up.

-ShamWow? More like ScamWow!

-”A series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and mockery of the unfortunate.” Sounds like a summary of a pretty decent summer comedy right? Well it’s actually a quote from The New York Times in regards to The Underground Comedy. The movie was written and directed by non other than the ShamWow guy, Vince Shlomi [who often goes by Vince Offer]. The New York Post summed the movie up as “Maybe the least amusing comedy ever made.”

-Thanks to the magic of YouTube, you can now enjoy Japanese workout videos complete with translation mistakes! [video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIaTOVLNgzU ]

-It’s a whole different meaning when porn directors get their creative juices flowing.

-My favorite kinds of scientists are the mad crazy ones.

-I saw a few husbands buying condoms on Mother’s Day. I’d say that’s just wishful thinking. Buying condoms is something you should be worrying about for Father’s Day instead.

-Their called blue balls not because of the pressure they’re under, but because they’re sad they never got to perform their one purposeful duty.

-You know you woke up way too early when the infomercials are still on repeat and the cartoons haven’t even started yet.

-”It was just a rhetorical question.”
“Good, I was about to stick that question right up your rhetorical!”

-Retirement must be very peaceful for boxers. They can finally rest assured that they’ll never have to beat another guy’s face in.

-What do you do when you’re the most powerful person in the world? Whatever the fuck you want, that’s the point.

-I don’t understand why anyone would want to go back to their high school years. Puberty was a cruel, violent, and torturous thing. Why the hell would anyone want to repeat that?

-That’s it until tomorrow. If you need me I’ll be at the corner of 8th and Jamison working hard for very little.