Tag Archives: fire

I Can Hardly Contain It

Posted on by
Reply

-Shopping for tampons was the third most embarrassing purchase I’ve ever made.

-I updated my last will and testament today. I requested that for my funeral I be cremated over ten George Foreman Grills and then packaged away inside a Space Bag.

-Einstein was an atheist. If atheism is good enough for that dummy, it’s good enough for me.

-I buy stacks of greeting cards in Spanish and give them to my English speaking friends. They’ll never know if the holidays even match up and I won’t have to spend an hour picking out “the perfect card for the occasion”.

-I’m a fan of horror movies. I love to see the twinkle in someone’s eye as their head rolls across the floor boards of an abandoned cabin.

-When someone requests “I want your honest opinion”, typically whatever follows is usually pretty far from honest.

-Your momma is so fit and intelligent I kinda want to be your stepfather.

-Today’s word of the day is cunnilingus. Repeat after me, cunn-i-ling-us. It’s what a boy does to a girl after she showers and typically only before they get married.

-Is it scadoodle or scadaddle?

-My goal is to put a smile on every person’s face – even if I have to walk around the streets and physically make them smile using my fingers.

-Getting someone a gift card for gasoline is a pleasant way of saying “I didn’t know what to get you, but I’d like for you to go away.”

-Being tall saves me roughly $57.84 annually on ladder purchases and the buying of stepstools.

-I’ve faked my death to avoid going to word twice for the same company.

-You’re not supposed to run with scissors, but skipping is okay.

-Love is a fire. Stomp it out quick before it spreads!

Black And White And Read All Over

Posted on by
Reply

-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.

-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.

-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.

-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.

-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.

-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.

-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.

-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”

-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.

-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.

-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.

-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?

-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”

I Told You So

Posted on by
Reply

-I’m filled with so much passion and desire that sometimes it feels like I’m actually on fire.

-The world needs more sprinkle toppings.

-Running into a bathroom and yelling “I’m going to blow this place up” is not the same as running into a post office and yelling the same thing.

-If you’re going to verbally dig yourself a hole, you might as well dig yourself an eloquent one.

-Your importance is justified by how many birthday cakes you have for one single birthday. This year I got two. I’m pretty sure that makes me second in importance only to the President.

-When you work a dead-end retail job, a girl coming into the store wearing a damp bikini is your holy grail.

-They should just give the weather forecasts as a percentage chance to hear someone else bitch about the weather. “There’s a 35% chance you’ll run into someone that’ll claim that its ‘hot as hell outside.’ With a slight chance of ‘we really need the rain.’”

-Kung Fudge – the art of eating sweet delights without anyone else finding out and/or possibly asking you for a piece.

-Wearing headphones in public is useful for two things: it lets the wearer drown out all of the stupid people around them and, for the non-headphone wearers, it identifies who all of the self-important pricks are.

-Holding a pie-eating contest is not a sound way to pick your future wife.

-All television shows should have a mandatory big dance number in every episode.

-Disney World, happiest place on earth? Not this week. A monorail crash early Sunday morning killed one of the train operators. Sixteen people have died in the park since 1989.

-I’m a new weight watchers diet. I get a part time job at a fast food joint and I watch all the customers get fatter.

-You know you’re popular in prison when you get an invitation to the Cell Block B annual slumber party.

-Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick after all.

So Happy It Hurts

Posted on by
Reply

-People will never live on the moon because then they couldn’t have a pool in their backyard.

-Even if I fell into a vat of radioactive ooze, with my luck, I’d probably come out with lame superhuman powers like the ability to talk to fruits and vegetables or the uncanny ability to seduce hats.

-I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older the number of embarrassing caught-with-my-fly-down incidents have steadily decreased.

-Layaway – new slang for someone you keep in touch with for sexual favors but otherwise have a very limited relationship with.

-Whistling at ladies who pass by is so last century, it’s time to advance as a culture and just moan suggestively at them instead.

-I entered a pretty interesting debate over whether man invented the wheel first or discovered fire first. I was eager to throw in my two cents and let them both know that man’s first great invention was the nudie magazine.

-I have a great tolerance for dealing with angry people. It’s a lost art that comes to fruition when working with the general public.

-Nothing says you care like a $4 greeting card generated by a computer and underpaid graphic designers who possibly can’t even read the language that the card is printed in. It’s straight from the heart, let me tell you.

-It would have been really easy to be a medicine man back in the times of tribes. “Eat this pinecone and call me in the morning.” Basically your whole profession is just getting people to eat random things and then see what happens to them afterward.

-You can have a kid and you can adopt a kid, but why can’t you rent a kid?

-Some people just need to be violently beaten by the grammar police.

-I dated a blonde once, but she went out of style faster than a pair of “skorts”; you know, those skirt-fronted shorts that girls fashioned in the late 90s.

-The expression “15 minutes of fame” is actually a gross exaggeration and your moment of fame really only lasts for a good 5-10 seconds.

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

Posted on by
Reply

-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.