-Bet Bin Laden is really kicking himself for checking-in on his Facebook when he got to his palace in Abbotabad, Pakistan.

-You may have done yoga before, but have you tried yoga-on-fire?

-The sound from snapping your fingers is created by your middle finger hitting your palm and not your thumb rubbing against your index finger.

-Butterflies taste with their feet. So if Jeff Goldblum got mixed up with a butterfly instead of a fly in the teleportation machine, he’d likely never set foot in a public restroom ever again.

-We have Bold and Italic options, what we need now is a Sarcasm setting. Save ourselves a lot of explaining and backpedaling time.

-I used to dread catching a red traffic light, but now I find it to be the optimal time to read and reply to texts.

-My great uncle was killed by a herd of stampeding calico cats.

-My great aunt was a really great storyteller.

-In France you can legally marry a dead person. Talk about a romance gone cold…. a relationship gone stale… a couple’s decay of common interests… a stiff house guest… a dead end relationship. I’ll be here all week ladies and gentlemen!

-Nothing makes for a good story like a series of really bad decisions.

-Here’s to burning bridges as fast as I can clear the last rope-plank step!