Tag Archives: funeral

A Long Time Coming

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-Which color crayons do you think taste the best?

-If you have ever thought “Well, at least Valentine’s Day isn’t an expensive holiday.” you are a woman.

-As a personal rule to myself, I try to avoid people who treat me like an umbrella. The people who let you sit there, dormant in the corner, until they need you to block the shit falling on them from the sky. Then, and only then, are you two best friends.

-But I’m a sucker for a nice smile.

-eHarmony and Match.com are the internet’s version of writing “For a good time call…” on a bathroom stall. Can’t complain though, a dates a date.

-If I had to create a PowerPoint presentation for my own funeral, I’d never die.

-If I’m ever caught in the middle of some life threatening emergency or crisis, I’m going to turn to the nearest woman and hurriedly demand “Quick! Take off your bra! I have an idea on how to get us out of here!” And then we’ll just play it by ear from there.

-Overheard on the toy aisle or adult supply store:
“Should we get extra batteries in case she doesn’t get tired of playing with it?”
“I like that it lights up and makes noises, I don’t like that it’s small enough to swallow.”
“Poseable positions and karate chop action! This is amazing!”
“I’m not sure if this will fit in my ass.”

-The beginning of the year is always the hardest for me. I can never decide on what calendar to get and most times it takes me nearly 6 months to make a decision.

-I wish I could pick my own nickname. I’d be the Cuddle Monster.

- CSI coloring book. Someone make this.

-With every new social network I hate people more and more. Funny how that works.

-The only thing filthier than my mouth is my mind, so until they come up with Abraxo Brain Cleaner, you’re just going to have to deal with it.

-It’s always going to be sour grapes with you.

A Billion Screaming Babies To Your Headache

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-Been saving up for my funeral; the laser show and pyrotechnics are gonna be awesome!

-I wish ignoring people was as easy in real life as it is on Facebook.

-Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and awkward hard-on’s.

-Saying “in my opinion” before or adding “that’s just my opinion” to the end of every remark really makes you look like a prick. Show some confidence in your judgments and intellectual thoughts. Put your balls on the line and say how you feel unabashed for a change.

-I occasionally frolic, but only when no one is looking.

-There are just some things in life you’re better off not knowing, like what your crush really thinks of you and what hotdogs are made of.

-I carry the burdens of others, not to seem strong, but to empower those who feel weakened.

-A good imagination can get you out of most any trouble, and I mean really deep, deep shit.

-A dentist giving out candy to all of his patients is a good example of ensuring future business.

-When you’re stuck with a problem you can’t solve, banging your head against a wall is only a solution if you need a perfectly head-shaped dent in a wall.

-1:00 AM is my new 9:00 PM now. Unfortunately though, 7:00 AM is still the same shitty 7:00 AM.

-Wishing myself away, until I hear you begging me to stay.

Go Funk Yourself

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-In a perfect world, no statement would start with those first four words.

-I don’t mind singing in the shower, but when I get out the crowd always demands an encore and then I’m forced to continue singing while I try to brush my teeth.

-The best part about getting older is that you get to start more stories with “Back in my day…” and “When I was your age…”.

-Unlucky is having sex once, wearing a condom, and still becoming a father of triplets.

-Ambition tells you to not go to bed until your job is finished. Laziness tells you to do your work in the morning after you get some sleep.

-Unbearably embarrassing moments: Be a lead man carrying a casket at a funeral, but due to an untied shoelace you trip. As the casket is falling to the ground, the deceased flies from it and lands in the grave face down.

-The only thing more relaxing than chair shopping is bed shopping.

-Everyone seems surprised that celebrities die, as if they were ever something more than just human. Although their deaths are tragic, the media translates it as if it is the end of times.

-There’s nothing wrong with adding some color to your wardrobe, but fuck, some people look like they threw a box of crayons and a rainbow into a blender and doused themselves with whatever came of it!

-I like to hang out with people larger than me, that way if we’re captured by a tribe of cannibals my chances of being eaten drastically decrease.

-There needs to be a circle state. I think right in the middle of Missouri would be a good spot. Spot, that’s what we’ll name the new state too! The capitol city will be named Dot.

-I think the next Saw movie should have a guy trapped with his junk inside a toaster and the only way he can escape the room is if he makes and eats an entire box of Eggo Waffles.

-The electric carts at department stores are for handicapped people, not for people over 400lbs who don’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the store for a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese puffs.

-An optimist will tell you that things can’t get any worse while a pessimist will tell you it can’t get any better.