Tag Archives: future

Just Say When

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-The future is as certain as the possibility that I’m not wearing pants.

-I try to always keep a folding chair in the room with me. You just never know when a pro wrestler might stop by.

-Take a real deep breath, look into the mirror and ask yourself “Why the fuck am I talking to myself?”

-I bought a telescope to study the stars but I quickly realized there are much more interesting things just through the window of my neighbor’s house.

-The worst advice is always punctual. The best advice is always 30 minutes late.

-It’s always flattering when someone admits to dreaming about you. It’s nice to know you’ve made enough of an impression that someone’s mind can’t resist but to think of you.

-If you can’t see the forest for the trees then maybe you live in a desert, or perhaps a low-lying grassland region.

-Too often, pretty underwear is covered by ugly jeans. Such a travesty.

-Anytime I receive a package that says “Open Other End” I take it as a personal challenge to successfully open the wrong end. Same thing goes for signs that say “Stay Off Of Grass”. For some reason my feet start to tingle and walking across a green lawn seems to be the only cure.

-After much research it has been determined that the strongest force in the universe is gossip.

-Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

-People who share their religious views with you almost never want to hear your religious views in return.

-Never trust a man wearing two watches.

-Stumbling all over myself and mumbling incoherently; either someone slipped something into my drink or I’m in love. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

-I’ll jump, jump, but I won’t put my hands up in the air, because I actually do kind of care.

-“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!’” -Hunter S. Thompson

-If you suddenly went deaf and blind at the same time, how could anyone convince you that you are still alive? A hand to their chest to feel their heartbeat?

In My Opinion, Dinosaurs Still Rule The Earth

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-Which do you think kills more people annually: hula-hoops or flame throwers?

-It’s hard to be a cashier at a pharmacy and legitimately ask people how they’re doing today when they are buying a gallon of Pepto-Bismol, flu relief medicine, cold sore cream, and three different ointments for who knows what!

-When I was younger I thought of the future as bright and happy, everyone zipping around in hover cars, and robots doing all of our daily work. Now when I think of the future, I imagine dolphins swimming in a sea of discarded plastic water bottles, robots taking revenge and ruthlessly killing every human in sight, and no more factories making clean fresh underwear.

-Bad luck is getting stung by a bee while carrying a bouquet of silk flowers.

-Here’s a little known fact: Betty Crocker burnt down he house when she tried to make her first batch of cupcakes with her Easy Bake Oven.

-If you found a $100 bill floating in a dirty toilet bowl in a public restroom, would you fetch it out? If it was $10,000 would you get the bills out with using only your teeth? If so, you’d be eligible to be on my upcoming reality television show, Fear This Big Brother Survivor In The Real World Eat Nasty Things Vs The Wild.

-Sometimes you feel like a nut – sometimes you feel like a pistachio.

-I want to live in a house with a hedge maze in the front yard. When people come over I’ll know it’s something important since it took them 45 minutes to an hour just to find my front door. After knocking, they’ll be disappointed when I call for them to step inside and they realize I live in a house of mirrors.

-Most people’s biggest concern about space travel is how to astronauts poop in zero gravity.

-Photos are good for reminding you of things you’d like to forget about: exes, deceased loved ones, times that will never be again, things lost over the years. It’s your memories (skewed, perverse, and bias) that keep the pleasant thoughts of your past in a bright light of insurmountable glory.

-If you’re big enough to feed a cannibalistic family of 5, then maybe it’s time to go to the gym a bit more often.

-Emo pick-up line: The depression really brings out the tears in your eyes.

-Quit before your ratings drop and you’re forgotten.

Papercuts On Fingertips

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-The first step in reaching immortality is not dying.

-Unlike most movies, going on a spiritual journey to find your inner self does not often involve learning cool Kung-Fu moves.

-If we ever do encounter aliens from another planet, my only hope is that they aren’t the kind of aliens that spontaneously burst out of your chest cavity.

-I don’t have any friends with benefits, but I do have several with disadvantages.

-James Bond is the only person that can be attempting to kill a woman and still somehow manage to seduce her into drinks and passionate sex back in his hotel room.

-We used to think of the future as being hovering cars and world peace, now it seems more like worldwide pollution, over population, and nuclear wars. The future isn’t what it used to be.

-Anytime I have a permanent marker and access to several road maps, I make sure to draw a fat X somewhere on every one of them. Everyone enjoys a good treasure hunt.

-The more severe your headache, the more everyone feels the need to talk as if they are in the front row of a Kiss concert trying to verbally explain thermodynamics to a deaf child.

-Time doesn’t heal all wounds; falling into a pit of hungry alligators is a good example of this.

-I bet a goldfish could kill a gorilla. The attack would have to rely heavily on the element of surprise.

-There’s actually a magazine called “Garden And Gun”. It covers, as the name suggests, gardening tips and superior firearms for the average American.

-A man in Virginia was called a nerd over the internet so he got into his car and drove 1,300 miles to Texas to burn down the other guy’s trailer. That’s dedication.

-Having your panties in a wad sounds like the most uncomfortable thing ever.

-When the sky is falling, no abundant amount of funny hats can save you.

-The key to living a good life is to have more credits for good deeds than withdrawals for favors.

We’re All Unique Individuals

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-”I love you.” was the Freudian slip that did me in.

-I’ve never had anything literally “knock my socks off”.

-Pound, pound, and pound all mean different things. That’s why here in America we have to take ten years of English classes for even a high school degree.

-”A great man once advised that if you’re really good at something then you should never do it for free. That’s why it’s going to cost you another $2 for me to refill your drinks.” I enjoy a waitress with a good sense of humor.

-Laundry day often turns into wonder-around-the-house-naked day.

-I was disappointed to discover that there are neither elephants nor clowns on any of the Carnival Cruise Line cruise ships.

-A Chinese woman heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter’s suffering of psychiatric problems. She and her husband then enlisted the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk, 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, served it with some garnish and some pieces of duck, and strangely, it didn’t cure shit and now the killer and the parents are going to face jail time. [News article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5617094/Chinese-woman-boiled-mans-head-to-cure-daugthers-psychiatric-problems.html]

-A neighbor of mine informed me that there is a new trend amongst young people. Kids are smashing up Smarties [you know, those little disc candies that come in a roll of twenty or so] piling the small pieces into lines and snorting them like cocaine. The best part about this trend is that it causes no side effects; it basically just leaves them with burning nostrils and often a headache. These children are the future of the world. These kids are really going to push us in the right direction, I can feel it!

-Reverse engineering can solve a lot of problems, but it won’t fix stupid.

-The gallon of milk in my refrigerator expires on July 4. Somewhere out there, there must be a very patriotic cow, doing her part to support the American economy in this harsh economic climate.

-Kush Support is a nifty little round thing that women can put between their breasts while they sleep to provide natural support to the breasts while they sleep. Here’s the commercial. Commercial is safe for work, but some of the “related” YouTube videos might not be. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbPYfW2s-E&feature=player_embedded]

-I’ll end this one with a little advice once again. If it smells like trout, get the hell out.