-Bazooka Gum sounded awesome, then I realized there wasn’t a bazooka inside the package, nor was it shot into my mouth by a bazooka… In fact, there isn’t a bazooka involved in any way, whatsoever.
-All art is concept art; otherwise it’s just a photograph.
-Love is a beautiful thing when you’re actually in love. When you’re not in love, it’s rather annoying and aggravating.
-Body shots – because the first round of drinks is on me, literally.
-The most honest motivational poster would say something like “If you are reading this in an office environment, then it’s time to find another job.”
-Thanks to the internet, I’ve seen things I never thought I would, things I never wanted to see, and things I will never forget I saw, no matter how hard I try.
-Parenting – Not everyone can do it and no one is ready for it.
-A great man once said, “Pull my finger.” and a lesser, and quickly regretful, other man actually did.
-If we could somehow get everyone to care about holes in the ozone as much as they care about holes in their underwear, the world would be a much better place.
-Despite the rumors and speculation, I’m relatively certain that there is no such thing as “mourning sex”, so don’t worry about picking up a box of party ponchos before a funeral.
-Here’s a creative way to lose your limbs: play Red Rover, Red Rover with the Transformers.
-The hopes of a stripper leaping from a birthday cake quickly diminish with each piece of cake you cut to serve.
-If the point in time ever comes when we all get to own our own robots, I’m going to name mine Rusty Balls.
-Laughter is the best medicine. Side effects may include sore sides, burning cheeks, and wetting of the trousers. If you experience laughter lasting more than 4 hours consult a physician immediately because this may be a sign of delirium. Ask your doctor if laughter is right for you.