-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.
-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.
-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.
-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”
-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.
-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.
-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.
-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.
-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.
-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.
-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.
-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.
-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.
-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?
-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.
-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.