Tag Archives: girls

If It Weren’t For You I’d Be Nothing

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-I’m searching for jobs online but all I see are openings for Wildlife Scrubbers thanks to BP for the lovely new coat of oil across the Gulf Of Mexico.

-I’ve had the same haircut for as long as I can remember. Lately, every time I see my stylist I get closer and closer to asking for a new doo but I never can quite do it. I’m starting to think it’s going to take a serious head injury or an entire pack of chewed gum to get me to trim my hair differently.

-The most effective way to win an argument is to be the loudest.

-The worst name for a baby girl ever: Andrew.

-If I can’t enjoy a margarita there or if I’m not allowed to wear flip-flops to it then it’s a place I don’t want to be nor will I likely ever go there.

-I see a different woman every night. The trick is to not shake the bushes too much and give away your hiding spot.

-The greatest mistake I ever made was to reflect back on all of the mistakes I’ve ever made to rate them in a hierarchy to discover which singular one I regret most. I regret all of them – that’s what makes them mistakes after all.

-Pop-Up Porn Magazine: This is probably the greatest idea ever thought up and no one is capitalizing on it yet. Sometimes, the world lets me down.

-Before my train of thought can reach its final destination it has to pass through the rolling hills of Bullshit County, then go across the narrow rackety bridges of Tangent Town, and somehow manage to stay on the rails entirely during its trek through the red light district of Man’s Brain Gorge. Be thankful that I can actually even say “Hey, how’s it going?” without devolving into a 30 minute speech about why cleavage should be an appropriate topic for a college term paper.

-I don’t want to set the world on fire; I just want to start a flame in your heart.

Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples

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Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.

Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.

 

Women’s Costumes

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The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.

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If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

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What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.

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Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.

Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.

 

Men’s Costumes

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Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.

You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume.  Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].

You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.

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Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.

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Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.

Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.

Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”

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Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.

Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].

 

Couple’s Costumes

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These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!

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The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.

… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.

That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!

I Told You So

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-I’m filled with so much passion and desire that sometimes it feels like I’m actually on fire.

-The world needs more sprinkle toppings.

-Running into a bathroom and yelling “I’m going to blow this place up” is not the same as running into a post office and yelling the same thing.

-If you’re going to verbally dig yourself a hole, you might as well dig yourself an eloquent one.

-Your importance is justified by how many birthday cakes you have for one single birthday. This year I got two. I’m pretty sure that makes me second in importance only to the President.

-When you work a dead-end retail job, a girl coming into the store wearing a damp bikini is your holy grail.

-They should just give the weather forecasts as a percentage chance to hear someone else bitch about the weather. “There’s a 35% chance you’ll run into someone that’ll claim that its ‘hot as hell outside.’ With a slight chance of ‘we really need the rain.’”

-Kung Fudge – the art of eating sweet delights without anyone else finding out and/or possibly asking you for a piece.

-Wearing headphones in public is useful for two things: it lets the wearer drown out all of the stupid people around them and, for the non-headphone wearers, it identifies who all of the self-important pricks are.

-Holding a pie-eating contest is not a sound way to pick your future wife.

-All television shows should have a mandatory big dance number in every episode.

-Disney World, happiest place on earth? Not this week. A monorail crash early Sunday morning killed one of the train operators. Sixteen people have died in the park since 1989.

-I’m a new weight watchers diet. I get a part time job at a fast food joint and I watch all the customers get fatter.

-You know you’re popular in prison when you get an invitation to the Cell Block B annual slumber party.

-Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick after all.

That White Picket Fence

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-There’s nothing more dangerous that a girl with legs who knows how to use them.

-Your flirty love letter could quickly become mistaken for a death threat with just a few punctuation errors. For example, “Drop dead gorgeous.” and “Drop dead, gorgeous.” Always proof read.

-”No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.” – Alfred Smith

-My only hope is that after a few more years of global warming, we’ll be able to get two summer breaks every year.

-When you get older tell them not to worry, it’s not a bald spot, it’s just a solar panel for a sex machine.

-I ordered a mail order bride, but it looked like the UPS guy dropped the package a few times, so I had to return her.

-No one likes a tattletale, but everyone loves a good storyteller. That’s why every time you tattle you should always embellish and elaborate well beyond the bounds of reality.

-People continue to validate my inherent mistrust of strangers.

-If you went to a very believable fortuneteller and she told you that you would die while making love, would you abstain from sex? I’d just go with it; I don’t think there’s a better way to die.

-I am declaring a war on all polyester/cotton blends.

-I hate grammar with a passionate.

-The problem with faking your death is that you can only do it once, so you have to make sure that the problems and predicaments you are in will surely be resolved when your bus full of poisonous snakes and large amounts of fireworks “suddenly” explodes.

-Leopard print -anything- isn’t sexy.

-If a fifth of Scotch doesn’t solve your problems, try another fifth.

-There are night owls, early birds, and then there’s me. I’m more of a mid-day duckling.

-I enjoy judging others as much as I enjoy being judged, which is a way to say I hate them both.

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

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-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.

Keeping Score, With Fingers And Toes

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-I’m not too sure about victory, but I definitely know the smell of utter defeat.

-I think I can speak on behalf of all men when I say that it is really fucking hard to focus when there is an abundant amount of cleavage in a room.

-There’s no better way to learn awkward information about your friends than through a rousing game of Never Have I Ever.

-My mind likes to play tricks on me. I tell him he’s really smart and he makes me do stupid things to impress girls.

-People skills are an important tool for proper social interactions. Dropping your pants in the middle of a crowded room and singing Kumbaya is not a demonstration of proper people skills.

-I’m compiling a list of names. A list of names of people I’d like to see thrown into a giant vat of Jell-O.

-The tagline “This will make your dick explode!” is a terrible attempt at promotion even if it’s for a male enhancement pill.

-Amputation is the new option for people who want to lose a quick 10-20lbs.

-If I had a pet dinosaur, the first trick I’d teach him would be how to play extinct. The second trick I’d teach him would be to not eat me.

-If a blind person tells you to “Watch out!” is he a liar and a total prick or does he just have a great sense of humor?

-With the proper number of stamps attached to your face, you should be able to mail yourself anywhere in the world.

-If the devil is real, I’m almost certain he has at least a part-time position at the DMV.

-Lines of advice that rhyme or are typically presented in a limerick form are usually not good advice.

-The ambition to be invited onto a tour bus for a night of intense passion with a famous person is quickly overshadowed by the depths of which your morals will have to sink in order to go through with the act.

-Here’s a little advice that might get you through the week: If you can’t swim, don’t rock the boat.