-The grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence. There aren’t any ant piles and it never has to be mowed either.
-Alien ray guns are much more humane than today’s modern guns. With a ray gun, you’re going to evaporate into a billion particles even if you get shot in the genitals. The same can’t be said for the latter.
-There probably isn’t anyone wishing another person a Happy Mother’s Day at an abortion clinic.
-I’m not out in the public very often. I’m more of the quiet romantic night at home kind of guys, but for the few hours I did spend out in the zoo that is society I noticed that today must be National Moo-Moo Day. I’ve never seen so many people sporting sleeved blankets in such a short amount of time. For a moment I thought I was trapped in the Snuggie’s commercial.
-I’m writing a survival guide for people who want to venture out into the wild. I don’t want to spoil too much, but Chapter 5 is about how to properly curl into a ball and cry hysterically until a rescue team arrives. Chapter 10 explains why hiding sausage in your overweight friend’s backpack is a good way to survive a bear attack, assuming of course, that you can run faster than you’re fat friend.
-If you had to be embarrassed by one or the other, would you rather be caught with your pants down or with a finger deep inside a nostril?
-They should have combined television shows and made Barney into a monster that the Power Rangers had to stop from destroying the world.
-Love is going to beat you up, drag you down, and give you everything you asked for.
-Without the discovery of caffeine and the widespread addiction to coffee, I don’t think that the industrial revolution would have ever happened.
-There’s nothing particularly great about men’s undergarments, but women’s panties, those things are magical. I’d argue they are more magical than a flying carpet. They have gotten me in more trouble and persuaded me to more bad things than any amount of peer pressure or large volume of alcohol ever has. Before I die, I’m going to create an ode to underwear. Whether it is in song form, a painting, or an epic odyssey, I will do it.
-I’ve been absorbing other people’s problems like a sponge since 1996. It’s time to find someone who can wring me out.
-Since it’s finals time, I’ll end this one with a study tip: Make a batch of margaritas to enjoy as you study. If you drink enough you’ll wake up with a headache, but that just means you studied hard. Knowledge hurts; anyone who tells you otherwise is stupid. Good luck!