-The first step in reaching immortality is not dying.
-Unlike most movies, going on a spiritual journey to find your inner self does not often involve learning cool Kung-Fu moves.
-If we ever do encounter aliens from another planet, my only hope is that they aren’t the kind of aliens that spontaneously burst out of your chest cavity.
-I don’t have any friends with benefits, but I do have several with disadvantages.
-James Bond is the only person that can be attempting to kill a woman and still somehow manage to seduce her into drinks and passionate sex back in his hotel room.
-We used to think of the future as being hovering cars and world peace, now it seems more like worldwide pollution, over population, and nuclear wars. The future isn’t what it used to be.
-Anytime I have a permanent marker and access to several road maps, I make sure to draw a fat X somewhere on every one of them. Everyone enjoys a good treasure hunt.
-The more severe your headache, the more everyone feels the need to talk as if they are in the front row of a Kiss concert trying to verbally explain thermodynamics to a deaf child.
-Time doesn’t heal all wounds; falling into a pit of hungry alligators is a good example of this.
-I bet a goldfish could kill a gorilla. The attack would have to rely heavily on the element of surprise.
-There’s actually a magazine called “Garden And Gun”. It covers, as the name suggests, gardening tips and superior firearms for the average American.
-A man in Virginia was called a nerd over the internet so he got into his car and drove 1,300 miles to Texas to burn down the other guy’s trailer. That’s dedication.
-Having your panties in a wad sounds like the most uncomfortable thing ever.
-When the sky is falling, no abundant amount of funny hats can save you.
-The key to living a good life is to have more credits for good deeds than withdrawals for favors.