Tag Archives: high heels

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

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-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.

Obsolesce

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-Rather than to just do one thing great, I strive to do everything in mediocrity.

-Jeans without back pockets are ugly.

-There’s only one line worse than the post office and that’s the DMV. I’m pretty sure that if I had to wait in both lines in the same day, I’d probably pull all of the hair out of my head and with a little crazy glue I’d fashion it into a beard on one of the teller’s faces.

-A Mexican crossed with an Irishman would create the most comfortable traditional dress. Don’t even try to tell me that a poncho and a kilt would not be the ultimate in comfy guy attire.

-Losing your virginity is a lot like losing your underwear; even if you could get them back, would you really want it?

-A masked man walked into a Miami Burger King yesterday and pulled out a gun and demanded the clerk give him all of the money in the cash register. Little did the crook know, another patron inside the Burger King had a concealed weapon license and shot the robber dead while he was grabbing the cash.

-When a man shaves hair from his body it’s called manscaping; when a girl removes hair from her body it’s called mandatory.

-My 5th grade teacher didn’t like it too well when my science project thesis was “To use the scientific method to determine how big the stick in my teachers ass really is.”

-Cats are flammable. Keep their tales away from scented candles unless you want your house to smell like burning tires in a vat of spoiled eggs.

-Attack Of The 50ft Woman was a great 50′s sci-fi movie, but I don’t think I’d be that scared. I think you’d be lucky to get picked up in her giant moisturized hands and get a closer glimpse at those 50ft tall woman chest muscles… But maybe that’s just me.

-The loudness of a girl’s high heels as she walks is equally proportional to how much of a bitch she is when she reaches her destination. In conclusion, the sweetest girl in the world is the one who wears socks and house slippers everywhere she goes.

-”A man is wealthy in proportion to the things he can do without.” – Epicurus

-You should go buy some Midol, cause you’re cramping my style.