Tag Archives: history

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.

You Do Or Don’t, Then You’re Dead

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-Size people up quickly and develop rigid attitudes based only on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to know someone, then you’re asking for trouble.

-As it stands right now, the American education system is about as beneficial to society as a flat tire is to a unicyclist.

-I bet that at one point in time, the internet was just a search engine and one porn website. Even if you searched for Bob Dole, you’d get sent to a page that had at least a couple sets of nipples on it.

-It seems most people aren’t familiar with the expression “whore bath”, so I’ll spell it out for all of you not in the loop. A whore bath is basically someone who stinks, or is sweaty or in some way unclean, so, instead of taking a shower or cleaning up properly, they just douse themselves with enough perfume to kill a rhino.

-When in history did storing your spare coinage inside a farm animal become considered as a good financial savings practice?

-Paint thinner is my anti-drug.

-I eat my gummy bears just like everyone else. First I tear off all of their limbs and eat them, and then I eat the torso, and I save the head for last since it’s the tastiest.

-Despite business in the field being down 30%, the promise of flexible hours and quick cash during these economic times is sending women from typical jobs to jobs at strip clubs and jobs in the adult industry at a record rate. Strip clubs even have a higher percentage of dancers with college degrees than ever before. Now you can get a lap dance and get your taxes filed all in one place.

-I can’t wait until my grandchildren are in school and they have to study the history of MySpace and Facebook because they have a test over how that one day, Susie was a total bitch and updated her status confessing her love for Billy, even though she like totally knew that her friend Christine had a crush on Billy already. Gosh! What a skank!

-”Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels.
The troublemakers. The round
pegs in the square holes – the
ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules and
they have no respect for
the status quo. You can praise
them, disagree with them,
quote them, disbelieve them,
glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing that you
can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.”

- Jack Kerouac