Tag Archives: hobbies

Gypsies, Toads, And Evildoers

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-This will be the most difficult blog I’ve ever had to write; not because I have nothing funny to talk about, not because I’ve joined the CIA and been sworn to secrecy, not because I lost all of my fingers in a terrible jungle gym accident, but because I have two of my fingers stuck in an ancient Chinese finger trap. Okay to be honest, it’s not ancient, I bought it yesterday, and it actually says “Made in Taiwan”, not China, but still.

-I’m a strong advocate of fairness; I believe that we should all suffer equally.

-Debriefing sounds like something you do just before you hop in the shower or just before having sex.

-I’d like to hope that reincarnation is completely impossible, that way I don’t have to worry about coming back into this world as a drink coaster. That’d pretty much suck balls.

-Nothing irks me more than someone ruining the ending of a good porn flick.

-I was stuck in an elevator once. We were only in there for about an hour, but after 15 minutes or so I broke the silence and suggested that we eat one of the other stranded passengers. Apparently there is a time limit on how long you have to wait until suggesting cannibalism is considered plausible and acceptable.

-I end all of my emails and letters with “Ps. I was naked when I wrote this.” regardless of if it’s true or not. No one really appreciates it more than my Business Law teacher when I send in my homework.

-Nothing says “I couldn’t care less about what you think of me” like a hat that says “Fuck you” really big on it.

-If you’re not spitting blood and teary eyed after brushing your teeth than you’re not doing it right.

-Everyone has hobbies. One of mine is collecting paper. I have them sorted into stacks by what’s on them and I store them in different locations throughout my house. I keep the ones with “$” on them in a big metal box in my closet, the pieces of paper with song lyrics on them are kept with my music collection, I throw the ones that say “bill” on them in my garbage can, and the ones with pictures of naked people on them are kept under my bed.

-I had a dream last night that I was trapped inside of a kaleidoscope with dozens of furry animals. Then, after I saw the pictures on my friends phone, I realized I had just gotten totally plastered at Chucky Cheese and couldn’t find my way out of the ball pit.

Juxtapose – Posing Your Juxta And How To Get Noticed

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-When in doubt, resort to violence.

-I wear headphones everywhere I go. I don’t always listen to music, I just always wear headphones. It keeps the stupid people from talking to me.

-Eyebrows are a particular thing. Too much hair and you look goofy, too little hair and you look goofy. There’s a fine line between groomed and hysterical.

-You like superhero movies, you like hot babes, you like dripping wet hot babes in superhero movies, so you’re probably going to love Fathom. Fathom is a superhero movie featuring the best looking thing from Transformers; Megan Fox, playing an Aquaman-like heroine. [Source: http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118000796.html?categoryid=13&cs=1]

-Did you know that grapes explode when you put them in the microwave?

-I say a few curse words now and again, but people who like to be tinkled on – those are the real potty mouths!

-It’s been scientifically proven that a man’s beard grows faster when he anticipates sex.

-I wonder which woodworking accident is most common; splinters, smashed thumbs, being trapped inside a flipped port-o-potty, dismemberment, or crazy glue in your underwear?
 
-Nibble and nipple are so close in spelling for a reason.

-Leaving the house without pants on can be kind of embarrassing, but it doesn’t even hold a candle to being caught picking your nose on the jumbotron at a baseball game.

-The dot over a lowercase i is called a tittle.

-I don’t mean to sound like a pessimist, but have you noticed that rainbows are in the shape of a frown?

-If I ever become a bum and need to stand on the side of the road with a sign asking for money, I’m going to write “Need money for Kung Fu lessons.” I think I’d really be able to reach out and grab the attention of my audience.

-Meet me on the dance floor. I’ll be the one spinning in circles doing the ass-slap dance and performing realistic robot gestures in between grabbing my crotch and screaming like I’m Michael Jackson.