-I got a lifetime subscription to “MotorBoating” magazine. I was disappointed when I found out it was actually a boating magazine.

-Don’t judge books by their covers. I read the first and last pages and then make up the rest. Reading is for suckers anyway, right?

-An easy way to avoid arguments with the missus about not lifting the toilet seat is to simply use the sink.

-If you can’t stand the heat then I wouldn’t recommend picking the flamethrower or the napalm grenades from the armory.

-Selfishness is turning a “ribbed for her pleasure” condom inside out so you can enjoy it.

-You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. That’s exactly why I avoid social celebrations as often as possible.

-Is it weird that I still make airplanes noises when I’m eating from a spoon?

-Nothing describes someone’s ugliness better than using the expression “freaky deaky”.

-It’s not a man’s commitment issues or his intimacy issues that make him unsuitable for long term relationships; it’s our hormones making us what to sleep with everything issues.

-I like being around people who are listening to music so loud through their headphones that I can actually sing along to the music. I’m sure it freaks them out when a total stranger is singing along perfectly to Billie Jean. I’ll even top if off with a hand-tap-heel-spin-around-crotch-grab-scream move before I moonwalk my way into the next room.

-If there were hot, naked, green women on Mars, we would have been there decades ago.

-I give free mammograms on the weekends. It’s just a hobby right now, but I’ll go pro someday.