-Shopping for tampons was the third most embarrassing purchase I’ve ever made.
-I updated my last will and testament today. I requested that for my funeral I be cremated over ten George Foreman Grills and then packaged away inside a Space Bag.
-Einstein was an atheist. If atheism is good enough for that dummy, it’s good enough for me.
-I buy stacks of greeting cards in Spanish and give them to my English speaking friends. They’ll never know if the holidays even match up and I won’t have to spend an hour picking out “the perfect card for the occasion”.
-I’m a fan of horror movies. I love to see the twinkle in someone’s eye as their head rolls across the floor boards of an abandoned cabin.
-When someone requests “I want your honest opinion”, typically whatever follows is usually pretty far from honest.
-Your momma is so fit and intelligent I kinda want to be your stepfather.
-Today’s word of the day is cunnilingus. Repeat after me, cunn-i-ling-us. It’s what a boy does to a girl after she showers and typically only before they get married.
-Is it scadoodle or scadaddle?
-My goal is to put a smile on every person’s face – even if I have to walk around the streets and physically make them smile using my fingers.
-Getting someone a gift card for gasoline is a pleasant way of saying “I didn’t know what to get you, but I’d like for you to go away.”
-Being tall saves me roughly $57.84 annually on ladder purchases and the buying of stepstools.
-I’ve faked my death to avoid going to word twice for the same company.
-You’re not supposed to run with scissors, but skipping is okay.
-Love is a fire. Stomp it out quick before it spreads!