Tag Archives: jobs

If It Weren’t For You I’d Be Nothing

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-I’m searching for jobs online but all I see are openings for Wildlife Scrubbers thanks to BP for the lovely new coat of oil across the Gulf Of Mexico.

-I’ve had the same haircut for as long as I can remember. Lately, every time I see my stylist I get closer and closer to asking for a new doo but I never can quite do it. I’m starting to think it’s going to take a serious head injury or an entire pack of chewed gum to get me to trim my hair differently.

-The most effective way to win an argument is to be the loudest.

-The worst name for a baby girl ever: Andrew.

-If I can’t enjoy a margarita there or if I’m not allowed to wear flip-flops to it then it’s a place I don’t want to be nor will I likely ever go there.

-I see a different woman every night. The trick is to not shake the bushes too much and give away your hiding spot.

-The greatest mistake I ever made was to reflect back on all of the mistakes I’ve ever made to rate them in a hierarchy to discover which singular one I regret most. I regret all of them – that’s what makes them mistakes after all.

-Pop-Up Porn Magazine: This is probably the greatest idea ever thought up and no one is capitalizing on it yet. Sometimes, the world lets me down.

-Before my train of thought can reach its final destination it has to pass through the rolling hills of Bullshit County, then go across the narrow rackety bridges of Tangent Town, and somehow manage to stay on the rails entirely during its trek through the red light district of Man’s Brain Gorge. Be thankful that I can actually even say “Hey, how’s it going?” without devolving into a 30 minute speech about why cleavage should be an appropriate topic for a college term paper.

-I don’t want to set the world on fire; I just want to start a flame in your heart.

Protest The Way We Are Passive Today

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-I have to renew my license at the DMV today. Honestly, I’d rather knit turtleneck sweaters for a heard of giraffe.

-There needs to be a game show that drops contestants through trap doors in the floor when they get a question wrong. This show should also never reveal where the trap doors lead to. Everyone likes a good mystery.

-I’ve decided to take up smoking just so I have a reason to complain about the government some more.

-I know this has to have happened to someone else out there, but have you ever been scoping someone out from a distance and you think to yourself “Wow, they’re pretty hot.”, then as they get closer you realize it’s someone you know and you feel pretty embarrassed?

-Nothing says “I care about my body” like ordering extra chili fries with a large Diet Coke.

-If you’re ever about to pushed off a ledge to your death, try this one on your assailant: “I’m rubber, you’re glue, push me off this cliff and I’m just going to bounce back up here and hit you.”

-Pro Tip: If you got two humps and it cost you $100, you’re not a camel, you’re a John.

-Stealing underwear is the only true crime of passion.

-A lady eating an ice cream cone on a hot day is as equally magical as seeing a unicorn prance under a rainbow in a field of exotic flowers… on a Thursday.

-I hunt for jobs with a butterfly net and a bazooka.

-In my older age now, I’ve come to realize that I’m about as lucky as a man breaking mirrors under a ladder with a black cat on my head on Friday the thirteenth.

-I’ve never fought a bear before, but one time I did fight a man dressed in a bear suit.

-Here’s some new slang for you hipsters. Grinder – [in reference to a meat grinder] an individual aggressively seeking companionship to the extent that they treat the opposite sex like a simple piece of meat.

-Without gravity there would be no such thing as jugglers and the world be a little bit sadder of a place.

-I fucking hate Mondays.

Schnozberries

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-Bazooka Gum sounded awesome, then I realized there wasn’t a bazooka inside the package, nor was it shot into my mouth by a bazooka… In fact, there isn’t a bazooka involved in any way, whatsoever.

-All art is concept art; otherwise it’s just a photograph.

-Love is a beautiful thing when you’re actually in love. When you’re not in love, it’s rather annoying and aggravating.

-Body shots – because the first round of drinks is on me, literally.

-The most honest motivational poster would say something like “If you are reading this in an office environment, then it’s time to find another job.”

-Thanks to the internet, I’ve seen things I never thought I would, things I never wanted to see, and things I will never forget I saw, no matter how hard I try.

-Parenting – Not everyone can do it and no one is ready for it.

-A great man once said, “Pull my finger.” and a lesser, and quickly regretful, other man actually did.

-If we could somehow get everyone to care about holes in the ozone as much as they care about holes in their underwear, the world would be a much better place.

-Despite the rumors and speculation, I’m relatively certain that there is no such thing as “mourning sex”, so don’t worry about picking up a box of party ponchos before a funeral.

-Here’s a creative way to lose your limbs: play Red Rover, Red Rover with the Transformers.

-The hopes of a stripper leaping from a birthday cake quickly diminish with each piece of cake you cut to serve.

-If the point in time ever comes when we all get to own our own robots, I’m going to name mine Rusty Balls.

-Laughter is the best medicine. Side effects may include sore sides, burning cheeks, and wetting of the trousers. If you experience laughter lasting more than 4 hours consult a physician immediately because this may be a sign of delirium. Ask your doctor if laughter is right for you.

Never Too Late To Give A Damn

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-Trust me, I’m lying.

-Good Morning, Megan Fox, a video short following Megan Fox for a day. I didn’t realize her and I were so alike. We both enjoy tossing around in bed, then waking up and having a beer and a sandwhich by the pool before we dress all sexy and pose for Esquire Magazine. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! We’re like totally soul mates! [Video source: http://www.esquire.com/the-side/video/megan-fox-video ]

-The “Telephone Game” 2.0: Could you imagine the disasters that would be caused if text messages had to be sent to some central office where it would have to be transcribed by another person and then sent out to the person you were originally sending it too? “What do you mean you want to sleep with my mom?!?!” “No, I asked if you wanted to get tacos!”

-Where do I sign up for one of those jobs airbrushing pretty pictures on the bodies of nude models? That seems like a pretty sweet gig, wonder why my guidance counselor never mentioned that to me in high school.

-The next winning political slogan ought to be “Keep the change.”

-Finally! A grunge Barbie doll complete with tattoo stickers! [Amazon product page: http://www.amazon.com/Mattel-N4758-Totally-Stylin-Tattoos/dp/B001NXO1YE ]

-It’s a nice compliment when any average person tells you that you smell good, but it’s a whole world of difference when a cannibal tells you the same thing.

-It pays to be cheap.

-I don’t know about to the bone, but I’m definitely bad to the base of my hair follicles.

-Men don’t fluff pillows. In fact, we don’t “fluff” anything.

-The World Snail Racing Championships have been held annually for over 40 years, but only the 2007 event was cancelled due to inclement weather. You never know when you’ll need to know this kind of stuff for a television game show, so take notes if you have to.

-I wish diseases were 2,000,000 times larger, that way we could actually watch them take over towns and then get nuked into oblivion by our armed forces. I’m a sucker for good entertainment on my nightly news broadcasts.

-I bet the people who work in the toll booths on the highway wear diapers. I never see any bathrooms when I’m giving them my change.

-In the grand scheme of things, sometimes I can’t help but feel like the little pieces of rubber left over after the architect erased a huge mistake.