-I’d like to see a lumberjack try to get aboard an airplane with a suitcase full of axes and a chainsaw as his carryon.
-Your success at living with scars isn’t determined by how well you conceal them, but by how proudly you display them, acknowledge them, and understand what you’ve learned from them.
-Someone needs to invent a machine that juggles jugglers.
-“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” –Jean Cocteau
-There’s slang a night owl and an early bird, but what about someone who is out in the afternoon? Perhaps “late rooster”? Or maybe “mid-day duckling”?
-I bet whichever Jack jumping-jacks were named after was a real obnoxious prick.
-If you’ve made the decision to drink all day then there’s no problem with starting early.
-I just came up with a great idea for a sequel: Old Yeller 2: Yeller’s Revenge… in 3D.
-Fun Fact: One sperm has 37.5MB worth of DNA information in it. A normal ejaculation represents a data transfer rate of 529GB per second.
-I’m Blame Game World Champion four years running now!
-If a baseball player hits a homerun, but dies before he can run around the bases, does the homerun still count?
-There are two situations I never want to be in: one is to be stuck on a two person bicycle with The Flash and the other is the situation we’re in right now.
-Guys with erectile dysfunction have mourning wood issues.
-I’ve been breaking hearts since before Pat Benatar made it cool.