Due to a rampant increase in the number of violations of the unspoken rules of the commode, I felt obligated to make this week’s focused post about the etiquette of public washrooms.

I am a man. In my life I have only been in a women’s bathroom three times and none of those times was to actually use the restroom. So, for the ladies’ part of this I enlisted the help of Suzie S., a fellow sufferer of my Microeconomics class. I wanted to link to something online of hers, but when I searched for her on Facebook, MySpace, and even Twitter, I could not find her anywhere on the internet. This leads me to believe that Suzie is either A) an illegal alien, B) a fugitive, or C) an actual space alien. Anyways, on to the guide…

WOMEN:
-Like the urinal man laws, it is recommended for ladies to choose the stall furthest from any other matrons. The only exception is when there are few stalls or a line has formed and you are pressured to hurry.

-Noise should be kept to a strict minimum. No one wants to hear your business or your straining.

-Similar to the men’s rules, conversation while in the lavatory should be limited to your friends when near the sink area. Conversations between stall walls only lead to awkwardness for the other users inside the bathroom.

-The conversation guidelines are relaxed while inside a bathroom at a bar or club where slightly intoxicated and giggly girls are more plentiful.

-Flush, always flush and then flush again for safety sake.

-When disposing feminine products, hide them in a way that you would hide a personal diary when you were younger. No one wants to see these things, dispose of them in an adequate fashion.

-When undecided if you are willing to sit on the seat or just crouch over it due to safety concerns or a possible hygienic safety breach, remember that the noise rules still apply and whichever way you decided to conduct your business, noise should be kept to a minimum.

-The use of cell phones is not permitted inside the restroomateria.

-When applying makeup at the sink counter, please be prompt. The primary purpose of the sink is clean your hands, the secondary purpose is to aid matrons in coloring themselves up to look like skanks.

MEN:
-Under no circumstances are you to use the urinal exactly next to another patron. Always choose the urinal that is furthest from anyone else. If this choice is not possible than you shall use a stall.

-If only urinating in a stall, it is appropriate to leave the stall door open so other patrons can clearly see that you are observing the distance law, and will allow them access to a stall in merely a few seconds.

-Similar to the conversation guidelines for women, conversation should be kept to a minimum. Even if the conversing is between friends, talking should be kept to a minimum as not to scare the other occupants.

-Whenever there is a line for a busy restroom, the only acceptable comments made to strangers are statements about how there is a line and how this is starting to look like the women’s restroom.

-Noise in general should also be kept to a minimum. No one wants to hear you conducting business, nor do they want to hear your straining and grunting.

-If someone before you did not flush their #2, that stall is considered to be out of order. Use another stall/urinal.

-When at a bar or club, where the number of intoxicated guests is high, it is recommended to not touch anything inside the bathroom at all. Not flushing after a #1 is considered acceptable in these circumstances.

-You have one minute to wash your hands, but only 10 seconds to check your appearance in the mirror. Any longer than 10 seconds and you are in violation of the swiftness guideline that is to follow.

-When using the lavatory it is not a race, but it most certainly is. You are to be quick, prompt, and accurate, especially in a busy restroom.

-Eye contact should be kept to a very strict minimum.

-The use of cell phones in public washrooms is not permitted. You do not want to be texting your grandmother who is in the hospital and be mistaken for taking pictures of other users in this vulnerable location.

-Flush once, if not everything goes away, flush again. After that, it’s a maintenance problem.