Posts Tagged ‘life’
Tuesday, August 31st, 2010
-Been saving up for my funeral; the laser show and pyrotechnics are gonna be awesome!
-I wish ignoring people was as easy in real life as it is on Facebook.
-Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and awkward hard-on’s.
-Saying “in my opinion” before or adding “that’s just my opinion” to the end of every remark really makes you look like a prick. Show some confidence in your judgments and intellectual thoughts. Put your balls on the line and say how you feel unabashed for a change.
-I occasionally frolic, but only when no one is looking.
-There are just some things in life you’re better off not knowing, like what your crush really thinks of you and what hotdogs are made of.
-I carry the burdens of others, not to seem strong, but to empower those who feel weakened.
-A good imagination can get you out of most any trouble, and I mean really deep, deep shit.
-A dentist giving out candy to all of his patients is a good example of ensuring future business.
-When you’re stuck with a problem you can’t solve, banging your head against a wall is only a solution if you need a perfectly head-shaped dent in a wall.
-1:00 AM is my new 9:00 PM now. Unfortunately though, 7:00 AM is still the same shitty 7:00 AM.
-Wishing myself away, until I hear you begging me to stay.
Tags: 7am, begging me to stay, better off not knowing, dentist, facebook, funeral, imagination, in my opinion, life
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Wednesday, February 17th, 2010
-I had a dream that I was crowd-surfing at a huge rock concert… naked.
-Would you rather be cut in half slowly by a sharp object or quickly by a blunt object? I know, you’d rather not be in cut in half, but suppose you had to pick one.
-You only have to do one cock push-up.
-Firecrackers are by far the most entertaining way to lose one of your digits.
-Time travel is only possible after having several mixed drinks. You will be able to skip several hours of the night, but then you will spend nearly a week trying to figure out what happened while you were caught in the space/time continuum.
-Without the weapons, armies would just be terrible fashion trends literally sweeping across a nation.
-Introducing food into a romantic evening can be interesting, but a honey basted turkey and an entire pan of cornbread is taking things a little too far. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I suggest you at least wait until the family leaves the dinner table.
-I bet the nation suicide rate would drop dramatically if you had to include a works cited page with your suicide note.
-The day I perfect my longhand will likely be the day I die.
-Don’t blame the elephants when they go on a rampage during a circus. After all of those years being forced to sit on that little round stool and eat stale peanuts I’d want to step on some necks too. Same goes for the motorcycle riding bears and the tigers that jump through rings of fire.
-You can’t run from your problems, especially when your problem is a treadmill.
-I have a great cheesy superhero name just itching to become a monthly comic: Max Douche. He has the ability to one-up anything you say and is always dating obnoxious bitches. Under his cape he has a holster to hold his cheap cologne, a pack of condoms, a bottle opener and a pack of ping pong balls for beer pong.
-If I owned a magic flying school bus, the last thing I would do would go on adventures with the intent to learn.
-I’ve given out all of my advice, so now that I need help there’s nothing to turn to.
-Life is game; a shitty one. It is full of liars and cheaters who will steal your paper money and skip two spaces as soon as you aren’t looking. I’m watching you Top Hat!
Tags: adice, adventure, army, circus, dream, elephants, fireworks, life, problems, sex, suicide, superheroes, time travel, would you rather
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Saturday, February 6th, 2010
-I shit you not, I was at the gym earlier this week and a lady next to me was eating a bag of candy while she was walking on a treadmill.
-If space travel does become privatized after the passing of the budget for 2010, I wonder how long it will be before we see the first porno filmed in zero gravity. My prediction is 26 minutes and 28 seconds.
-Nothing rots your brain faster than watching an elderly couple try to operate a digital photo kiosk.
-If Peewee Herman had super powers what would they be? I think it would be the ability to rid the world of innocent children in less than 30 minutes of air time with just a rubber chicken and a handful of petroleum jelly.
-I live my life under the belief that shit will hopefully, eventually, work itself the fuck out.
-If your car is more than 3 years old and you use the “new car smell” air freshener at the carwash, you’re an idiot. If your car is less than 1 year old and you use the “new car smell” at the carwash, you’re also an idiot.
-Divorce court: where two souls joined together in harmony once again become two separate souls living miserably with more baggage than allowed as carry-on by most international air travel agencies.
-I want to be cremated and have my ashes dumped on unsuspecting people on a New York subway train. Wait, nevermind, I want my ashes put inside a piñata and broken open at a birthday party.
-If I could go back in time, I’d teach dinosaurs how to build robots. I don’t see any consequential problems arising from their introduction to future technology. None, whatsoever.
-Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest. That’s just silly folklore. It only takes about a week. Trust me, you don’t even want to know how I tested that.
-If you’re ever considering becoming a serial killer, I strongly suggest watching every Law and Order and CSI episode you can possibly catch. There are a whole bunch of great dos and don’ts to be learned.
-Whiskey whispers is what you call it when you speak softly to someone but you are too drunk to make any sense.
-There are two “Amateur Nights” I never attend: at the strip club and at the shooting range.
Tags: amateur night, chewing gum, cremated, csi, divorce, elderly, gym, law and order, life, marriage, new car smell, peewee herman, porn, serial killer, space travel, super powers, time travel, whiskey, whisper
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Monday, July 13th, 2009
-Being in debt is a good way to really see what you’re worth; knee caps $10,000 each, fingers $1,500 each, legs are about $2,000, and each finger and toenail is about $200.
-”…And for the next contestant of the Talent portion of this year’s Miss America Pageant, Susie May is going to perform long division!”
-First there were no machines. Then, when we called people we really hoped we didn’t have to talk to a machine. Now, when we visit websites, we have to prove that we are not machines.
-There is a special point in life when you realize that the list of things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
-Good news travels fast; bad news is always running about five minutes late.
-It’s impossible to reach Zen with pants on.
-Time is only one person’s side and that’s Time’s.
-British mum and four of her daughters get breast implants. [Article source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/life-style/kids-and-family/2009/07/12/mum-and-four-daughters-spend-40-000-on-nine-boob-ops-115875-21512369/ ] Unfortunately, they’re all blondes.
-Your momma is so fat that if she was a magician she’d have to vanish into fat air.
-”Up shit creek without a paddle” is just a roundabout way of saying the same expression of “It’s time you roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty.”
-It’s a good thing that dinosaurs aren’t around anymore. If they were, there’d probably a rights activist group and there would never be another movie about people having to kill rampant dinosaurs in order to escape a freak-show of an amusement park on some tropical island.
-Falling into a vat of cotton candy is a sticky situation I think everyone wants to be in.
-”Filthy rich” is when you’re wearing $200 underwear and $500 jeans and you shit yourself and you don’t care.
-Be an impressive motherfucker, be honest and be yourself.
-The jig is up, the news is out, they’ve finally found me;
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty;
Never more to go astray, this will be the end today.
Tags: be yourself, beauty, blondes, boob job, breast implants, british, brunettes, contest, cotton candy, debt, dinosaurs, filthy rich, good news, honest, humans, jig is up, life, machines, miss america, news, pants, renegade, rich, shit creek, sticky situation, styx, talent, things you want to do, threaten, time, travel, without a paddle, zen
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Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
-I’ve only been wrong twice. Both instances were the biggest mistakes of my life.
-Heartburn sounds painful, but not nearly as painful as testicle-burn.
-Everyone collects stamps; I collect envelopes.
-”I enjoy your company as much as I enjoy bleeding from the head.” Gotta love the grandparents.
-I don’t help children. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any child crying in the corner is only there to lure me closer so he can slit my throat with a garden sheers.
-If I can go my entire life without being stabbed in the face by an olive fork, then I’d consider my life to be an accomplishment.
-The best way to get the opposite sex’s attention is to simply ignore them. Everyone enjoys attention. When he/she comes around then you can be yourself, make them laugh, and totally swoon them with your sweet Chewbacca tattoo, or showoff whatever shiny things you have to offer.
-I really hope that right now someone is out there making a new Christmas carol for this year. The old ones are getting pretty lame.
-Life is the last gift you’ll receive with no strings attached.
-It’s important to have friends because there are a lot of things you can’t do by yourself, like have an orgy.
-A creative block is like constipation of the mind. Unfortunately, they don’t make laxatives for it.
-If your butt isn’t numb, then you’re not meditating correctly.
-Video of the 2009 Pole Dancing Championship, you’re welcome. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBWNaJdzovI ]
-I’m signing up for yoga classes, but it has nothing to do with fitness. I’m just into foxy moms that can put their legs behind their head and enjoy passing the time by bouncing up and down on giant rubber balls.
-This is one of those days when I feel like I’m a candle burning at three different ends.
Tags: biggest mistake, bleeding, candle, children, christmas, christmas carol, collections, creative block, dating, friends, grandparents, heartburn, horror, horror movies, hot moms, life, love, meditation, moms, movies, opposite sex, orgy, pole dancer, quote, relationships, romance, stamps, stripper, video, writers block, wrong, yoga
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Friday, May 29th, 2009
-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.
-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.
-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.
-Peace of mind is overrated.
-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.
-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”
-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.
-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.
-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.
-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”
-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.
-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.
-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.
-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.
-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.
-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.
-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.
-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.
Tags: birthday, blondes, blondes vs brunettes, candles, change, drugs, evolution, excuses, fire, flowers, fruit roll ups, girls, high heels, life, lunch ladies, men, old fashioned, pawn shop, peace, peace of mind, pink flamingo, prescriptions, pro tip, questions, quote, relationships, telephone, trick candles, uncertainty, women
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Friday, May 22nd, 2009
-If for some crazy reason Texas does succeed from the United States, I think we should change our motto from just “Don’t mess with Texas” to “Mess with Texas and Texas is going to fuck you up.” Just my two cents.
-After seeing machines harm humans so much in Terminator Salvation, I just had to come home from the movie and beat my toaster with a bat until it apologized for every piece of bread it burnt.
-Have you ever realized that Mother’s Day gifts are typically decorative or whimsical while Father’s Day gifts are almost always purposeful or functional? You find me a girl that wants a power saw and a 12-in-1 ratchet set and I’ll find you a guy that wants a summer dress and a decorative cat sculpture to go in his foyer.
-They say to never judge a book by its cover, which is exactly why I judge them by their title page and the amount of blank pages after the story.
-Ancient Egyptians believed that life was a quest for spiritual ascension which unfolded in stages. Twelve, to be exact, and a thirteenth step was your spirits entrance into the afterlife. If you turned your life into a television show, you’d have only about three months to show your audience the story of your life, showing one episode a week. You’d have to cover birth, adolescence, adulthood, old age, and death. Life is short. Life is too short to be wasted.
-Who do you think would be more vicious: Yogi after you take his picnic basket or Winnie the Pooh after you steal his honey jar?
-When eating inside you always look for a spot with a clean table, when you are eating outside you always look for a place that has a clean seat.
-I can’t wait for video games to become so realistic that if you don’t complete a mission in time your own house will actually burst into flames.
-Amateur night at a strip club is a bunch of girls who come out on stage and actually put more and more clothes on.
-New Jersey is the state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites, 96 of them to be exact. You get pissed when you step in dog poop, imagine getting out of your car and stumbling on a banana peel, falling onto a soiled diaper, and cutting you eye on a dirty syringe… and they are all radioactive.
-I got in trouble for feeding a police officer’s horse a bag of Cheetos once.
-That’s a lie. That never happened, but it’d be pretty funny wouldn’t it; a horse with Cheeto residue all over his muzzle?
-You know, I haven’t heard anything from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee in quite some time now. I wonder if they’re still around.
-Times; they are a changin’, bitches.
Tags: amateurs, bears, books, Cartoons, cheetos, egyptians, fathers day, games, gifts, horse, itty bitty titty committee, life, mothers day, movies, new jersey, police, state motto, terminator, terminator salvation, texas, time, video games, waste
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Friday, March 20th, 2009
-Sam’s Club isn’t really a club – they don’t have a secret handshake.
-I want to strongly encourage creativity in my children, so when there isn’t anymore room left for drawings on the fridge, I’ll buy a bigger fridge.
-Free Willy 3? Come on! How much fucking trouble can one whale get into? You freed him once and you would think he learned his lesson the first time.
-If everyone’s fists were made out of chocolate cake, then being punched in the face would be delicious.
-When I was nine I accidentally knocked up my imaginary friend. Two years later, we got a divorce and haven’t spoken since. I have a pretty vivid imagination.
-Eventually, they’ll run out of inhabitable places and there’ll be episodes of Survivorman where Les Stroud will have survive a week trapped inside Yankee Stadium, or Survivorman: Circus Town where Les Stroud has to last the entire week going around in circles on a carousel.
-I have a wine taste on a beer budget. If only that was reversed, then I’d be content with just having a ridiculous amount of beer.
-Where do you think you would go crazy the fastest: being trapped inside a bathroom stall or being trapped inside an elevator? I need to know so that if either happens, I can tell myself, “Well it could be worse, I could be trapped inside a bathroom stall/elevator.” You’ve got to stay positive in these times of crisis.
-The word “love” has become far too common place these days, so when I’m really emotional about something I say that I adore it. Unfortunately, when my last girlfriend told me she loved me and I replied that I adore her, she broke up with me.
-There should be at least a 5 year waiting time before you can put “…Since 2008!” or “Established 2007.” on your company slogan.
-Being a clumsy person is getting peanut butter and jelly in your hair when you’re eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
-A clear conscious is a sign of a terrible memory.
-Life goes on; it always does, until it doesn’t.
Tags: adore, beer, chocolate cake, clumsy, crazy, creativity, drawing, drinking, free willy, imaginary friend, les stroud, life, Links: Business, love, sam's club, survivorman, wine
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