Tag Archives: lingerie

Eyes Like Wildflowers

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-I’ve been killing zombies since I was 10. It’s the only crisis I’ve ever felt prepared for.

-I play this game with myself when people are talking to me, I pay attention intently, nod my head when a response is requested, sometimes I’ll even voice my opinions on the matter being discussed and then I remember shit. People think it’s funny. I’m going to call this game “listening”. We’ll see if it catches on.

-The worst thing a girl can do to a guy is give him time to think things over.

-The truth will set you free – unless you’re guilty, then it will get you 5-10.

-I lost 20lbs on the “I drank more whiskey than what was previously thought to be humanly possible in one night” diet.

-It’s the details that qualify a statement:
“I found a publisher for my first book… It will be the first coloring book to focus on the great depression. It will only require black, grey, brown, and dark blue to color.”
“I never spend a night alone… Because I live with seven dwarfs and many, many cats.”
“I’m not an axe murderer… I’m a knife murderer. Have you ever tried sneaking an axe into a movie theater? Very difficult.”
“I can count… Up until about twenty, then it starts getting tricky.”
“I’ll never forget the first time we met… And how much I wanted to strangle you so you would shut up.”
“I hate paying bills… That’s why I’m going to live in my parent’s basement until they kick me out.”

-You have the freedom to succeed and the freedom to starve.

-If you watch Godzilla backwards it’s the story of a giant lizard that rebuilds a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.

-Ideas are like fireflies. When in the open night air they are almost magic, but when under scrutiny in the confines of a jar they lose their magic as logistics and reason begin to take over.

-At the rate we’re going, by 2035, girl’s outfits will continue to cover less and less of their body until they are walking around in bikini sized outfits. Meanwhile, men will still be criticizing other men who wear speedos as swimsuits.

-I wonder if there was someone that Elvis based his stage appearance on. Surely he wasn’t the first man with black hair, sunglasses and sideburns. Imagine how flattering it would be to have a yearly convention of people trying their damndest to look just like you.

-I hate surprises, unless its lingerie. Those surprises are welcomed!

-A perfectionist is someone who has a practice funeral before they actually keel over.

-I need a phone with a built in breathalyzer so that when I call or text anyone after 9pm it shows them my blood alcohol content level.

-When going on a blind date through mutual friends you tend to worry about what your date will think of you, but when you go on a date set up through the internet you tend worry if your date is actually an axe murderer or not.

-I have reason to believe that she is make-believe.

Waging War Against Normalcy

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-One time, I wished upon a star that the star would actually fall from the sky and hit my archenemy in the face.

-”Not to invent yourself is to be false. To follow preordained rules is a profound betrayal of what it means to be human.” – David Starkey

-Showers killed my fun of playing with toys in the bathtub. Now, getting old and being sponged by a hot nurse is the only thing about bathing I can look forward to.

-Did you know that if you sniff a lot of petrol and then get tasered by the police, you can actually burst into flames? Happened to this guy: [Article source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090721/twl-tasered-petrol-sniffer-bursts-into-f-3fd0ae9.html ]

-I finished writing my first script this week. It’ll be the first movie with both a musical dance number and a musical sex number.

-A troop of Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes full of drugs would be a really good cover-up for a home delivery service of illicit substances.

-Apparently humans have been killing each other in Iraq for the past 50,000-75,000 years. Newly examined evidence shows that a modern human stabbed a Neanderthal with a spear like object. Survival of the fittest through murder is still evolution. Although I’d like to think that we became the dominate Homo sapiens through means other than just killing, turning on the news today shows that things haven’t changed much. [Article source: http://www.livescience.com/history/090721-neanderthal-murder.html ]

-Candlelight dinners didn’t become romantic until after electricity was invented.

-If you like to hear nothing but bad news, perhaps a profession as a 9-1-1 operator is in your future.

-Everyone has a few stains on their character, but unfortunately I’ve dated a few people that could benefit from an Oxy Clean bath and maybe even drinking a few cups of bleach.

-What do you think happens when you overdose on vitamin C? Does your immune system become so strong that it rejects yourself and you slowly turn inside out or do you think you just turn into an orange?

-For just a few extra dollars, instead of hiring a maid to clean your house you can hire a maid to clean your house while wearing lingerie.

-Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.

Debauchery

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-There is a fine line between pain and pleasure. That’s why it’s recommended that you use a safety word.

-When you’re a secret assassin, sent around the world to take out the toughest targets, you’re outfit is everything. A ninja wearing a sombrero is not a good combination.

-It happens all the time in sitcoms and Hollywood movies, but you know those parts where the character goes into a lingerie store and a really hot employee volunteers to model the bra and panties for them? That never happens in real life. I bet that even if it did, it’d be more likely at a place like Wal-Mart and the person volunteering is someone you wouldn’t want to see wearing anything less than a ski jacket, parachute pants, military boots and a paper bag over their head.

-When a safe is unlocked, it’s no longer a safe. Instead, it’s just a really fucking heavy box.

-I had a dream the other night that I was tied up to the flag pole in front of my school, wearing only a pair of sneakers. I knew it was a dream when I was only concerned about getting someone walking by to tie my shoe laces rather than to cut me down.

-I’ll tell you the real secret to a great night’s sleep, and it has nothing to do with specialty beds. It’s simply three beers, a martini, two Long Island Iced Teas, a Sex on the Beach, and an Irish Car Bomb topped off with a Vegas Bomb. Best sleep ever! Although the morning after has little to be desired.

-I’m sure we’ve all had an instance of a phantom cell phone ring. That’s when you could have sworn you heard your phone ring but upon checking your cellular device, no calls were missed.

-Did you know that Cheech Marin from Cheech And Chong fame has a children’s book about a bus driver that teaches a mariachi band to compete against rock and roll bands in a battle of the bands contest? There’s even an animated movie to go along with it. [Amazon product page: http://www.amazon.com/Cheech-School-Bus-Driver-Marin/dp/0061132012 ]

-Digging to China sounds like a good idea, but after you’ve been shoveling for a couple of hours you get real hungry and kind of sweaty, then the idea just seems silly.

-Despite previous speculation that Van Gogh was a genius and through his own personal torment chopped his own ear off, new evidence has surfaced, and the truth is that Van Gogh lost his ear in a brothel sword fight. I’d say it’s about time for a big budget Van Gogh biography flick.

-I like my music like I like my women – loud and obnoxious.