Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples

Posted on October 13, 2009 by admin

Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.

Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.

Women’s Costumes

figure 1

The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.

figure 2

If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

figure 3

What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.

figure 4

Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.

Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.

Men’s Costumes

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Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.

You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume. Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].

You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.

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Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.

figure 3

Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.

Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.

Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”

figure 4

Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.

Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].

Couple’s Costumes

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These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!

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The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.

… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.

That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!

Douchebaggery – The “Am I Total Douche” Hand Guide

Posted on June 16, 2009 by admin

Here’s a little list to determine if you qualify to be a gigantic douche. Pictures and examples included.

Before we get knee deep in vinegar though, we need to get the basic facts out of the way first. The generally accepted definition of a “douchebag” is someone who posses a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance, who engages in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.

-Being a douchebag is like any other fun disease in the fact that it’s contagious.

Example 1 - Douche Group

-Like many other plagues on today’s culture, being a douchebag is a fad. It’s a trend that will eventually go the way of the dodo and the rest of the world will let out a big sigh of relief. Because, there for a moment, adults feared that the future of our species would be a collection of abundant hair gel products and fake tanning bronzer.

-Some people have made a living off being a douchebag. Judge Judy and Dr. Phil are two great examples.

Example 2 - Famous Douche

-That’s right; you don’t have to be a guy to be a douchebag anymore. Like I said, it’s contagious.

-Although the term “douchebag” is used pretty much exclusively in the United States, thanks to modern amenities like television and the glorious internet, douchebaggery is spreading across the globe. Here are some Swedish d-bags:

Example 3 - Swedish Douches

-This brings me to another common practice of these Oompa Loompas: pointing in random directions during photographs. It’s as if they are actually telling us “Don’t take a picture of me; there is actually someone of depth and integrity over there to the left.”

Example 4 - Gesturing Douches

-Even disagreeing with them as much as I do, the fact is, douchebags do get the ladies attention. Take this lucky douche for example:

Example 5 - Lucky Douche

-Maybe the girls like them because they both use the same Maybelline products or maybe it’s because these vinegar bags spend more time at the mall than the girls do. Who knows.

Example 6 - Pretty Douche

-Like all trends though, it’s not for everyone, and not all girls are fans of douchebags [luckily].

Example 7 - Busted Douche

-I’ll be counting down the days until this trend fades out of existence. Until then however, don’t be a complete tool.

Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche

Signs That Summertime Must Be Here Again

Posted on May 19, 2009 by admin

-You spend less time doing homework and more time grilling meat.

-You suddenly care about clean beaches.

-Girls are running around in outfits that look like they’re made out of a washcloth and some pieces of yarn.

-Your popsicle consumption has gone up 200%.

-You’ll honestly believe that your life must include the ownership of a snorkel.

-You have sand in places that you’ve never had sand before and where you never want to have sand again.

-Burying someone in sand is a good pastime rather than a way to avoid 10-25 years in prison.

-You could care less about what hotdogs are mad of. They taste great and that’s all you need to know.

-Waking up at 10:00am becomes “waking up early”.

-You become slightly more aware and weary of shark attacks in your area.

-Each day you wear less and less clothing to remain comfortable.

-Your bank statements consist mostly of where you spent your beer money.

-Every movie at the theater is either a romantic comedy or an action movie featuring continuous, back to back, explosions.

-You have a painful reminder of why you told yourself “I’m never going to let myself get sunburnt again.”

-You realize the importance of cold drinks and you’ll put a strong emphasis on the “cold” part when you order one.

-The notion of going to Mexico actually starts to sound like a good idea.

-You realize that just like buying a house, when building a sand castle the most important things are location, location, location.

-When you’re outside you’ll bitch about how hot it is, then as soon as you get inside you’ll remind everyone how great a day it is outside.

-You’ll accept the fact that anytime you turn on the television, you’ll be watching reruns.

-You have developed a tan line from your flip-flops.

B-List Superheroes

Posted on April 7, 2009 by admin

B-Superhero: The Almighty Crease!
Special Ability: Has the ability to fold clothes extremely well.

B-Superhero: The Well Groomed Gentleman!
Special Ability: Perfect hygiene.

B-Superhero: Rinse Cycle!
Special Ability: Never loses socks in the dryer and never leaves a red shirt in with whites.

B-Superhero: Algorithm Maniac!
Special Ability: Master of the math problem.

B-Superhero: Exact Change!
Special Ability: Always has the exact amount for any transaction.

B-Superhero: The Spare Button Wrangler!
Special Ability: There in a snap whenever you loose a button and sometimes when you loose a zipper.

B-Superhero: The Living Google Search Box!
Special Ability: Always there whenever you need to look something vital up.

B-Superhero: Mr. Roboto!
Special Ability: Capable of breaking out the most realistic robot dance moves the world has ever known.

B-Superhero: Really Obvious Statement Maker!
Special Ability: There for the greater good of humanity when we need someone to walk out in the rain and say “Man, I think it’s raining.”

B-Superhero: The Hang Man!
Special Ability: Able to solve any Hangman puzzle in three guesses or less.

B-Superhero: Static Cling!
Special Ability: She instantly dusts off anything she walks near.

B-Superhero: The Reader!
Special Ability: She’s able to read the mind of any domestic house cat and tell you want they’re thinking.

B-Superhero: Air Guitarist Maximus!
Special Ability: Can shred invisible air guitars better than anyone can shred the real thing.

April Fools Prank Ideas

Posted on March 31, 2009 by admin

April Fools is tomorrow, and in the spirit of the holiday, here are some pranks to pull on your friends, co-workers, and loved ones. Just be ready for retaliations.

-Put Icy Hot or any similar ointment on toilet seats.

-Change all of the radio station presets on your friend’s car radio.

-Fill the apple juice jug with vinegar.

-Tape magnets to the bottom of an empty coffee cup and attach it to the top of your car. Watch all of the other motorists try to point it out and get your attention as you drive by.

-Set all of the clocks in a friend’s house to different times so they don’t know what time it actually is.

-Rip up your shirt and pour fake blood all over it and then spend the day running around the city zoo yelling that the lions and tigers broke loose.

-Tell your boyfriend that you think you’re pregnant. Make him go buy the pregnancy test, take it into the bathroom and write April Fools on the back of the strip. Come out 15 minutes later, after he’s sat there in deep contemplation.

-Mix up all of the pairs of socks in someone’s sock drawer.

-Put pieces of candy inside the shower head so the next person to use it will be sticky all over.

-Laxatives. Pretty much anything involving these will be a prank worth remembering.

-Move your husband/wife/roommate’s car down the street and tell them you saw a tow truck take it away earlier that morning.

-Find something that your friend holds personally very dear to them, buy something that looks remarkably similar and break it right in front of them.

-Unplug everything in someone’s office; keyboard, mouse, monitor, telephone, pencil sharpener, everything.

-Hide all of the clothes in a roommate’s closet and replace them with a lone clown suit.

-Buy a Build-A-Bear for your lover but record a breakup message on it like “I’m sorry to have to do it this way, but I don’t think we should be together anymore.” pause a few seconds then add the “April Fools!” to the end of it.

Disneyland Rides That Didn’t Make The Cut

Posted on March 24, 2009 by admin

-The Middle East: Why Princess Jasmine Can’t Show Her Face In Public And Why Its Okay For Aladdin to Take A Dozen More Wives

-Point and Laugh At the Hunchback of Notre Dame

-Little Mermaids Gone Wild

-Pluto’s House of Knives and Other Sharp Objects

-Wonderland – Alice’s Anti-Drug

-Fun Things to Do With Sleeping Beauty Before You Wake Her Up

-The Euthanization of 101 Dalmatians

-Seven Dwarfs and The Train Ran On Snow White – The Tram Ride

-Recreations of Drunk Driving Accidents and How Speed Kills: Hosted By Lightning McQueen of Cars

-The Incredibles’ Remarkably Less Than Incredible Ride

-Minnie’s Brothel House

-Tarzan’s Loincloth Etiquette

-Where French-Fries Come From: Demonstrated by Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead from Toy Story

-Cinderella’s Ride Through Puberty and How To Lose Your Virginity To A Prince

-The Pocahontas Pass-The-Pipe Experience

-Dumbo’s Stupid Big Ass Ears

Cloning To-Do Checklist

Posted on March 17, 2009 by admin

Cloning is a very real science that will likely come to fruition in our lifetime. Assuming that scientists would be able to clone any person, deceased or alive, at any stage in the subject’s life, this is the checklist of the first things that need to be done. This is how we need to get our clone on [in no particular order].

- Clone the Olsen twins. This new set will be the unwholesome ones.

- Make a duplicate of Britney Spears. I know, this sounds crazy, hear me out. We let the original be the crazy, head shaving, loving mother that she is, and the clone will be a realization of her at her peak, back when “Hit Me Baby One More Time” before she fell into the deep end of the pool without arm floaties.

Britney Spears

-Clone the entire Seinfeld cast to bring the series back to life; the reruns are getting kind of stale now.

- Clone Michael Phelps. One can swim a whole bunch and the other can sit on the couch and smoke pot all day.

- Clone Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone in the state of their respective heydays and finally put them in an awesome action movie together.

- More Megan Fox, lots and lots more Megan Fox-es.

Megan Fox

- Clone Mike Tyson so he can fight himself.

- Marilyn Monroe needs to be brought back. Somehow, President sex-scandals went from dames of her class to Monica Lewinsky. We need to bring her back and give Obama the real President treatment. Or if we really get efficient with this cloning business, we can make a whole bunch of her and have her pop out of cakes at everyone’s birthday party.

- My favorite comedian: George Carlin. The world needs him.

George Carlin

- Now if we’re going to raising people from the dead so to speak, you have to mention some of the great minds from our history. Clone Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Benjamin Franklin. Let them all see just how fucked up things got while they were gone.

Abraham Lincoln