-It takes me a while to get through tough decisions. Usually, I don’t even decide to put pants on until about 9:30pm.

-Whoever agrees with the saying that “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” has obviously never met any of my ex’s.

-The only thing that separates us from animals is a combination of ditches and wire fencing. At least that’s the case at all of the zoos I’ve ever been to.

-Rearview mirrors were totally invented so you could check your makeup while driving a car. Pretty genius of those automakers, huh?

-If you had to choose one, would you rather always have to sit in traffic when you drive or be in a minor collision every time you go somewhere?

-When I die, I want to be buried in a ball pit at a random Chuck E Cheese. If that last request can’t be met, then I’d like to be cremated in the median of a busy highway during 5 o’clock traffic on a Friday. If this last request also cannot be met, I want to be cremated in private and have my ashes mixed with a bag of confetti and spread across town during a local parade.

-“Talk dirty to me.”

“Crumbs, dust, cobwebs, mud, mold, and asbestos.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

-The truth will set you free, or send you away to prison for a long, long time. Just depends, ya know.

-Fear Factor just needs to bite the bullet and make their contestants eat raw human flesh.

- I couldn’t worship the devil even if I wanted to. There aren’t any virgin females available to sacrifice for miles and miles.

-If actual minesweeping was as fun as Minesweeper is on the computer, I would have signed up for the military a long time ago!