Tag Archives: marriage

Drunk With Power And Whiskey Mostly Whiskey

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-Everyday is a toga party if you just stay wrapped up in your bed sheets.

-There is a fine line between coloring inside the lines and coloring outside the lines.

-I reward attention whores with encouragement. Encouragement for them to take their attention-seeking to new heights; to get them to do things that they will spend weeks trying to forget. They like attention; I like being entertained by other people’s stupidity, win-win.

-If the waiter doesn’t provide me with a box of crayons to draw on the tablecloth then I am in a restaurant I don’t want to be in.

-Appendages matter. Pulling someone’s hair, someone’s finger and someone’s leg all have completely different implications and consequences.

-The fastest way to get caught in the act of armed robbery would be to hold up a doughnut shop.

-I will forever be perplexed by how often people say “I understand” when they clearly don’t understand a damn thing at all.

-If a book or documentary is going identify by name the first and last soldiers killed during a war, they should show respect and take the effort and the time to identify every soldier that died.

-If you live in a glass house, throwing stones should be only one of many of your concerns. Using the restroom, changing clothes, and pretty much anything involving nakedness should also be of high consideration on your list of things you probably shouldn’t be doing.

-Any chair can be a lawn chair; location, location, location.

-Interventions are the worst kinds of surprise parties.

-”My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” -Socrates

Just When You Thought I Was Dead

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-I shit you not, I was at the gym earlier this week and a lady next to me was eating a bag of candy while she was walking on a treadmill.

-If space travel does become privatized after the passing of the budget for 2010, I wonder how long it will be before we see the first porno filmed in zero gravity. My prediction is 26 minutes and 28 seconds.

-Nothing rots your brain faster than watching an elderly couple try to operate a digital photo kiosk.

-If Peewee Herman had super powers what would they be? I think it would be the ability to rid the world of innocent children in less than 30 minutes of air time with just a rubber chicken and a handful of petroleum jelly.

-I live my life under the belief that shit will hopefully, eventually, work itself the fuck out.

-If your car is more than 3 years old and you use the “new car smell” air freshener at the carwash, you’re an idiot. If your car is less than 1 year old and you use the “new car smell” at the carwash, you’re also an idiot.

-Divorce court: where two souls joined together in harmony once again become two separate souls living miserably with more baggage than allowed as carry-on by most international air travel agencies.

-I want to be cremated and have my ashes dumped on unsuspecting people on a New York subway train. Wait, nevermind, I want my ashes put inside a piñata and broken open at a birthday party.

-If I could go back in time, I’d teach dinosaurs how to build robots. I don’t see any consequential problems arising from their introduction to future technology. None, whatsoever.

-Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest. That’s just silly folklore. It only takes about a week. Trust me, you don’t even want to know how I tested that.

-If you’re ever considering becoming a serial killer, I strongly suggest watching every Law and Order and CSI episode you can possibly catch. There are a whole bunch of great dos and don’ts to be learned.

-Whiskey whispers is what you call it when you speak softly to someone but you are too drunk to make any sense.

-There are two “Amateur Nights” I never attend: at the strip club and at the shooting range.

Black And White And Read All Over

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-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.

-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.

-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.

-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.

-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.

-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.

-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.

-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”

-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.

-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.

-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.

-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?

-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”

Little Things In Big Packages

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-Sex is like any other physically laborious activity; it’s better if you put your back into it.

-Reading the back of packaging is always a source for some interesting facts. Take for example sunblock; one ingredient you’ll find in all of the top dollar stuff is hippo sweat. That’s right, hippo sweat. After some internet browsing I also figured out that it makes for a decent insect repellant as well.

-If you’re tickling a gorilla, then you’re definitely looking for trouble.

-The first public anti-smoking campaign was launched by the Nazis, and it’s been going great ever since.

-If you repeatedly dial the wrong number more than three times in a single hour, then, congratulations, you’re eligible for execution behind the tool shed! It sucks having a cell phone number that’s only a digit off from a Chinese restaurant telephone number.

-It was once commonly believed that having alcohol in your bloodstream made it likely for you to suddenly burst into flames and be burnt alive. If that was true, I would have turned into a running, screaming, Tiki torch a long time ago.

-It’s a good thing that there isn’t a naming system for children like there is for most online services. Sure would suck to be XxBillxX2285 or D1xiCutie2010.

-The true story about the Ugly Duckling got cut short. After he grew up into a swan [which is kind of magical since he was born as a fucking duck, but whatever] he started drinking heavily and doing lots of blow, started sleeping with loose female birds, even hens I hear, and was finally did in by being struck by a golf ball at a local golf course. He’s said to be buried just off the putting green on hole number eight.

-If your marriage has lasted longer than the wedding cake, then you’re off to a good start. Don’t mess it up now.

-If someone mentions to you that love comes in all shapes in sizes then they’re just trying to hint that maybe you should try to date heftier people… or midgets.

-Most people stop collecting and displaying stuffed animals once they discover that they can be posed in amusing and awkward sexual positions.

-If you’re in a relationship, no question will proceed more fights and arguments than “Where have you been?”

-”You’re only here for a short visit. Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.” – Walter C. Hagen

-I sure could go for a snow cone right about now.