-Some days you feel like you are truly in charge of your own destiny and nothing is impossible. This week though, it’s really feeling like fate has me by the balls while lady luck is riverdancing on my face.
-On sunny days I like to lay in the yard and try to pick shapes out of the clouds. “That one looks like a cotton ball!” “This one looks like a fluffy snowball!” “Oh, wow, and that one looks like a handful of white pocket lint!”
-Anytime I hear “work from home” I can only think “work without pants on.”
-Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes the voices tell you that you’re feeling more like a cucumber.
-I do this thing with my tongue that even geckos and frogs are jealous of.
-”An utterly fearless man is a far more dangerous comrade than a coward.” -Herman Melville
-If there were lonely supermodels on Mars, we would have been there 200 years ago.
-Never look a gift horse in the mouth. You are only permitted to look at the teeth of a horse you paid for outright.
-Glass half empty, half full, doesn’t matter; just as long as there’s whiskey in it.
-When you’re a single, your fantasies degrade as time goes by. It starts with a three way with two celebrities on an exotic beach and then gradually withers down to sex with just about anyone, just about anywhere that’s not a toxic landfill.
-Every week I set a goal for myself: be polite and make 3 new friends and no more than 1 enemy.
-If your mind is free, you’ll never see the walls.