Tag Archives: mcdonalds

Black And White And Read All Over

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-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.

-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.

-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.

-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.

-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.

-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.

-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.

-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”

-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.

-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.

-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.

-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?

-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”

Uix Mt Ip

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-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.

-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.

-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.

-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”

-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.

-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.

-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.

-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.

-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.

-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.

-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.

-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.

-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.

-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?

-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.

-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.

Friday The Thirteenth, Beware Of Hockey Goalies With Sharp Objects

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-My weekend is going to be about as sad as watching Edward Scissorhands try to catch a butterfly.

-I ate at a restaurant that served “A bowl of sexy Jell-O” as a dessert. I’m not sure what made it sexy, perhaps the way it jiggled? Maybe it was cut into some sort of adult shape? I settled for the nude key lime pie and a cup of prostitution instead.

-I think that during these economic times we need to define the American Dream 2.0. I’m pretty sure that the way things are now is a sign that maybe the first dream isn’t working out as well as we would have liked it to.

-Sorry if this isn’t very funny, last night I was drinking and hit on a girl that looked like a cross between Rosie O’Donnell and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m currently reevaluating my goals and life decisions.

-The unfortunate dyslexic dictator; he’ll never understand why his plan to conquer then divide didn’t work.

-Have you ever misspoken and said something like telling your neighbors that your new babysitter is very sexual when you actually meant to say she’s very sensible? Me neither, but it’d be pretty, huh?

-I was watching one of those house hunting shows and the lady looking for a house really wanted a laundry room that had a window. Why would you want a laundry room with a view? So you can depress yourself as you look outside at all of the other people in the world not doing laundry?

-”It’s only an island if you’re looking at it from the water.”

-I had a dream the other night that I was bobsledding with Tom Cruise and the entire Cool Runnings team. I instantly knew it was a dream when we got to the bottom of the hill and Tom Cruise and I were talking and I mentioned that I was now a believer in scientology. That pretty much diminished any actuality to the entire dream.

-If McDonalds sold lobster, would you try it? I don’t think I’m prepared to take that much of a risk.

-Several guys sitting around talking about their ex’s quickly turns into a plethora of private information you kinda didn’t want to know.

-Ever get that feeling that the trash is sweeping you under the rug instead?

 
Ps. I changed the comment requirements so you no longer have to provide a name and an e-mail address. So, there is no excuse why you can’t leave a few words of love [or hate, whatever floats your boat].

Politely Making Your Demands

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-I am a man of many talents. In fact, one of those talents is exaggerating on the amount of talents I have.

-A toolbox only needs two things: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the tape.

-A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

-Ronald McDonald actually died of heart failure twelve years ago due to excessive use of the products he sold. In fact, Jack, the Burger King and the Ronald McDonald you think you know, are actually all digitally inserted into every commercial. Jack is really a 400lb blob of a man trapped inside a trailer in Connecticut and the King went to a tanning salon and the large amounts of grease in his body from splurging on the dollar menu turned him into a giant baked potato.

-I have an interesting idea for a birth control/abstinence condom. You put the condom on your junk like usual, but its infused with a putrid odor to make your bells and whistle smell like something left at the back of a gym locker, ensuring no will ever come close to touching your willie.

-I put “for sexual favors” in the memo field of every check I write, thus reminding the person I’m writing the check for of the importance of accepting credit and debit cards.

-I think my female coworker is catching on to why I always ask her to go into the freezer and stock the frozen goods.

-In 2015 a satellite will reach Pluto. It’s a shame because when the satellite was launched Pluto was still considered a planet. Not anymore. Now our solar system stops at eight, ending with Neptune, which, on average, is a chilly -415 degrees Fahrenheit. You know, jeans and a t-shirt kind of weather.

-A 2×4 is actually a 1.5×3.5. You’re welcome.

-You don’t hear about a hodgepodge too often, but you’re confident you’ll know it when you see it.

-It takes a strong type of woman to remove all of her clothes for the sake of other’s mindless entertainment. It takes an idiotic man to remove all of his clothes and run across a field during halftime.

-If we’re going to have the silly national alert level, then I say that by the beginning of this summer all public pools should have a urine threat meter posted at the front gate.