Tag Archives: medicine

Slightly Sketchy With A Chance Of Bullshit

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-My morals are questionable, my beliefs… also questionable… my sexual appetite; undoubtedly insatiable.

-If you have to take medicine for the side-effects of other medicine you have to take, then the medical industry has failed you.

-Worst single’s website screen name for a female: Miss Manslaughter.
Worst single’s website screen name for a male: No Means Yes Please.

-I wonder what terrible things could escalate from me hiring two private detectives to follow one another.

-The best way to get a free pen or pencil is to borrow one from the person next to you and chew on the end of it.

-I’m rubber and you’re glue, so your sexual advances are leaving us both in a sticky, sticky, rubbery mess.

-The only more awkward than the question “Excuse me, where can I find the hemorrhoid cream?” is the response “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

-“That’s what she said” jokes are funny, because they aren’t very likely; “That’s what he said” jokes aren’t funny because they’re just true stories.

-Holding hands and thumb war are only a few digit-placements away; proof of the thin line between love and total annihilation.

-If Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress like whores without social ramifications then Halloween is also my chance to be a complete womanizer and cross-eyed cleavage gawker!

-Kicking and screaming is a good way to get what you want anywhere but a china store.

-If you tilt your head a little to the left and squint one eye, this sentence makes even less sense but you’ll look like you just discovered something extremely puzzling to anyone else watching you.

-Until I was about 9 years old, every diagram of the human skeletal system had a “sex bone”. It just made sense.

-I never knew punctuation could be so scary until I heard a friend’s reaction to his girlfriend missing a period.

-I drink a lot to avoid the consequences of being sober enough to be confronted about my drinking problem by my friends, peers, and coworkers.

In My Opinion, Dinosaurs Still Rule The Earth

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-Which do you think kills more people annually: hula-hoops or flame throwers?

-It’s hard to be a cashier at a pharmacy and legitimately ask people how they’re doing today when they are buying a gallon of Pepto-Bismol, flu relief medicine, cold sore cream, and three different ointments for who knows what!

-When I was younger I thought of the future as bright and happy, everyone zipping around in hover cars, and robots doing all of our daily work. Now when I think of the future, I imagine dolphins swimming in a sea of discarded plastic water bottles, robots taking revenge and ruthlessly killing every human in sight, and no more factories making clean fresh underwear.

-Bad luck is getting stung by a bee while carrying a bouquet of silk flowers.

-Here’s a little known fact: Betty Crocker burnt down he house when she tried to make her first batch of cupcakes with her Easy Bake Oven.

-If you found a $100 bill floating in a dirty toilet bowl in a public restroom, would you fetch it out? If it was $10,000 would you get the bills out with using only your teeth? If so, you’d be eligible to be on my upcoming reality television show, Fear This Big Brother Survivor In The Real World Eat Nasty Things Vs The Wild.

-Sometimes you feel like a nut – sometimes you feel like a pistachio.

-I want to live in a house with a hedge maze in the front yard. When people come over I’ll know it’s something important since it took them 45 minutes to an hour just to find my front door. After knocking, they’ll be disappointed when I call for them to step inside and they realize I live in a house of mirrors.

-Most people’s biggest concern about space travel is how to astronauts poop in zero gravity.

-Photos are good for reminding you of things you’d like to forget about: exes, deceased loved ones, times that will never be again, things lost over the years. It’s your memories (skewed, perverse, and bias) that keep the pleasant thoughts of your past in a bright light of insurmountable glory.

-If you’re big enough to feed a cannibalistic family of 5, then maybe it’s time to go to the gym a bit more often.

-Emo pick-up line: The depression really brings out the tears in your eyes.

-Quit before your ratings drop and you’re forgotten.

So Happy It Hurts

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-People will never live on the moon because then they couldn’t have a pool in their backyard.

-Even if I fell into a vat of radioactive ooze, with my luck, I’d probably come out with lame superhuman powers like the ability to talk to fruits and vegetables or the uncanny ability to seduce hats.

-I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older the number of embarrassing caught-with-my-fly-down incidents have steadily decreased.

-Layaway – new slang for someone you keep in touch with for sexual favors but otherwise have a very limited relationship with.

-Whistling at ladies who pass by is so last century, it’s time to advance as a culture and just moan suggestively at them instead.

-I entered a pretty interesting debate over whether man invented the wheel first or discovered fire first. I was eager to throw in my two cents and let them both know that man’s first great invention was the nudie magazine.

-I have a great tolerance for dealing with angry people. It’s a lost art that comes to fruition when working with the general public.

-Nothing says you care like a $4 greeting card generated by a computer and underpaid graphic designers who possibly can’t even read the language that the card is printed in. It’s straight from the heart, let me tell you.

-It would have been really easy to be a medicine man back in the times of tribes. “Eat this pinecone and call me in the morning.” Basically your whole profession is just getting people to eat random things and then see what happens to them afterward.

-You can have a kid and you can adopt a kid, but why can’t you rent a kid?

-Some people just need to be violently beaten by the grammar police.

-I dated a blonde once, but she went out of style faster than a pair of “skorts”; you know, those skirt-fronted shorts that girls fashioned in the late 90s.

-The expression “15 minutes of fame” is actually a gross exaggeration and your moment of fame really only lasts for a good 5-10 seconds.

Schnozberries

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-Bazooka Gum sounded awesome, then I realized there wasn’t a bazooka inside the package, nor was it shot into my mouth by a bazooka… In fact, there isn’t a bazooka involved in any way, whatsoever.

-All art is concept art; otherwise it’s just a photograph.

-Love is a beautiful thing when you’re actually in love. When you’re not in love, it’s rather annoying and aggravating.

-Body shots – because the first round of drinks is on me, literally.

-The most honest motivational poster would say something like “If you are reading this in an office environment, then it’s time to find another job.”

-Thanks to the internet, I’ve seen things I never thought I would, things I never wanted to see, and things I will never forget I saw, no matter how hard I try.

-Parenting – Not everyone can do it and no one is ready for it.

-A great man once said, “Pull my finger.” and a lesser, and quickly regretful, other man actually did.

-If we could somehow get everyone to care about holes in the ozone as much as they care about holes in their underwear, the world would be a much better place.

-Despite the rumors and speculation, I’m relatively certain that there is no such thing as “mourning sex”, so don’t worry about picking up a box of party ponchos before a funeral.

-Here’s a creative way to lose your limbs: play Red Rover, Red Rover with the Transformers.

-The hopes of a stripper leaping from a birthday cake quickly diminish with each piece of cake you cut to serve.

-If the point in time ever comes when we all get to own our own robots, I’m going to name mine Rusty Balls.

-Laughter is the best medicine. Side effects may include sore sides, burning cheeks, and wetting of the trousers. If you experience laughter lasting more than 4 hours consult a physician immediately because this may be a sign of delirium. Ask your doctor if laughter is right for you.