-People will never live on the moon because then they couldn’t have a pool in their backyard.
-Even if I fell into a vat of radioactive ooze, with my luck, I’d probably come out with lame superhuman powers like the ability to talk to fruits and vegetables or the uncanny ability to seduce hats.
-I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older the number of embarrassing caught-with-my-fly-down incidents have steadily decreased.
-Layaway – new slang for someone you keep in touch with for sexual favors but otherwise have a very limited relationship with.
-Whistling at ladies who pass by is so last century, it’s time to advance as a culture and just moan suggestively at them instead.
-I entered a pretty interesting debate over whether man invented the wheel first or discovered fire first. I was eager to throw in my two cents and let them both know that man’s first great invention was the nudie magazine.
-I have a great tolerance for dealing with angry people. It’s a lost art that comes to fruition when working with the general public.
-Nothing says you care like a $4 greeting card generated by a computer and underpaid graphic designers who possibly can’t even read the language that the card is printed in. It’s straight from the heart, let me tell you.
-It would have been really easy to be a medicine man back in the times of tribes. “Eat this pinecone and call me in the morning.” Basically your whole profession is just getting people to eat random things and then see what happens to them afterward.
-You can have a kid and you can adopt a kid, but why can’t you rent a kid?
-Some people just need to be violently beaten by the grammar police.
-I dated a blonde once, but she went out of style faster than a pair of “skorts”; you know, those skirt-fronted shorts that girls fashioned in the late 90s.
-The expression “15 minutes of fame” is actually a gross exaggeration and your moment of fame really only lasts for a good 5-10 seconds.