Tag Archives: mothers day

Hippies

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-If for some crazy reason Texas does succeed from the United States, I think we should change our motto from just “Don’t mess with Texas” to “Mess with Texas and Texas is going to fuck you up.” Just my two cents.

-After seeing machines harm humans so much in Terminator Salvation, I just had to come home from the movie and beat my toaster with a bat until it apologized for every piece of bread it burnt.

-Have you ever realized that Mother’s Day gifts are typically decorative or whimsical while Father’s Day gifts are almost always purposeful or functional? You find me a girl that wants a power saw and a 12-in-1 ratchet set and I’ll find you a guy that wants a summer dress and a decorative cat sculpture to go in his foyer.

-They say to never judge a book by its cover, which is exactly why I judge them by their title page and the amount of blank pages after the story.

-Ancient Egyptians believed that life was a quest for spiritual ascension which unfolded in stages. Twelve, to be exact, and a thirteenth step was your spirits entrance into the afterlife. If you turned your life into a television show, you’d have only about three months to show your audience the story of your life, showing one episode a week. You’d have to cover birth, adolescence, adulthood, old age, and death. Life is short. Life is too short to be wasted.

-Who do you think would be more vicious: Yogi after you take his picnic basket or Winnie the Pooh after you steal his honey jar?

-When eating inside you always look for a spot with a clean table, when you are eating outside you always look for a place that has a clean seat.

-I can’t wait for video games to become so realistic that if you don’t complete a mission in time your own house will actually burst into flames.

-Amateur night at a strip club is a bunch of girls who come out on stage and actually put more and more clothes on.

-New Jersey is the state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites, 96 of them to be exact. You get pissed when you step in dog poop, imagine getting out of your car and stumbling on a banana peel, falling onto a soiled diaper, and cutting you eye on a dirty syringe… and they are all radioactive.

-I got in trouble for feeding a police officer’s horse a bag of Cheetos once.

-That’s a lie. That never happened, but it’d be pretty funny wouldn’t it; a horse with Cheeto residue all over his muzzle?

-You know, I haven’t heard anything from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee in quite some time now. I wonder if they’re still around.

-Times; they are a changin’, bitches.

So Indecisive It Hurts

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-There’s only about 29,000 mornings in the average person’s lifetime. I’ve decided to watch as many sunrises as I can until my time is up.

-ShamWow? More like ScamWow!

-”A series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and mockery of the unfortunate.” Sounds like a summary of a pretty decent summer comedy right? Well it’s actually a quote from The New York Times in regards to The Underground Comedy. The movie was written and directed by non other than the ShamWow guy, Vince Shlomi [who often goes by Vince Offer]. The New York Post summed the movie up as “Maybe the least amusing comedy ever made.”

-Thanks to the magic of YouTube, you can now enjoy Japanese workout videos complete with translation mistakes! [video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIaTOVLNgzU ]

-It’s a whole different meaning when porn directors get their creative juices flowing.

-My favorite kinds of scientists are the mad crazy ones.

-I saw a few husbands buying condoms on Mother’s Day. I’d say that’s just wishful thinking. Buying condoms is something you should be worrying about for Father’s Day instead.

-Their called blue balls not because of the pressure they’re under, but because they’re sad they never got to perform their one purposeful duty.

-You know you woke up way too early when the infomercials are still on repeat and the cartoons haven’t even started yet.

-”It was just a rhetorical question.”
“Good, I was about to stick that question right up your rhetorical!”

-Retirement must be very peaceful for boxers. They can finally rest assured that they’ll never have to beat another guy’s face in.

-What do you do when you’re the most powerful person in the world? Whatever the fuck you want, that’s the point.

-I don’t understand why anyone would want to go back to their high school years. Puberty was a cruel, violent, and torturous thing. Why the hell would anyone want to repeat that?

-That’s it until tomorrow. If you need me I’ll be at the corner of 8th and Jamison working hard for very little.

Delusions And Ponderings From The Timeout Corner

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-The grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence. There aren’t any ant piles and it never has to be mowed either.

-Alien ray guns are much more humane than today’s modern guns. With a ray gun, you’re going to evaporate into a billion particles even if you get shot in the genitals. The same can’t be said for the latter.

-There probably isn’t anyone wishing another person a Happy Mother’s Day at an abortion clinic.

-I’m not out in the public very often. I’m more of the quiet romantic night at home kind of guys, but for the few hours I did spend out in the zoo that is society I noticed that today must be National Moo-Moo Day. I’ve never seen so many people sporting sleeved blankets in such a short amount of time. For a moment I thought I was trapped in the Snuggie’s commercial.

-I’m writing a survival guide for people who want to venture out into the wild. I don’t want to spoil too much, but Chapter 5 is about how to properly curl into a ball and cry hysterically until a rescue team arrives. Chapter 10 explains why hiding sausage in your overweight friend’s backpack is a good way to survive a bear attack, assuming of course, that you can run faster than you’re fat friend.

-If you had to be embarrassed by one or the other, would you rather be caught with your pants down or with a finger deep inside a nostril?

-They should have combined television shows and made Barney into a monster that the Power Rangers had to stop from destroying the world.

-Love is going to beat you up, drag you down, and give you everything you asked for.

-Without the discovery of caffeine and the widespread addiction to coffee, I don’t think that the industrial revolution would have ever happened.

-There’s nothing particularly great about men’s undergarments, but women’s panties, those things are magical. I’d argue they are more magical than a flying carpet. They have gotten me in more trouble and persuaded me to more bad things than any amount of peer pressure or large volume of alcohol ever has. Before I die, I’m going to create an ode to underwear. Whether it is in song form, a painting, or an epic odyssey, I will do it.

-I’ve been absorbing other people’s problems like a sponge since 1996. It’s time to find someone who can wring me out.

-Since it’s finals time, I’ll end this one with a study tip: Make a batch of margaritas to enjoy as you study. If you drink enough you’ll wake up with a headache, but that just means you studied hard. Knowledge hurts; anyone who tells you otherwise is stupid. Good luck!

The Dichotomy

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-Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

-If there was a position at Hooters to be their official motor-boater, I’d already work there and I’d pay them to let me do it.

-If you’re upset that your favorite band got popular and “sold out” then you shouldn’t have bought their CD, you shouldn’t have gone to their concert, you shouldn’t have told your friends about them, you shouldn’t have blared their music in your car with the windows down, you shouldn’t have added them as friends on MySpace, you shouldn’t have wore their t-shirts, you shouldn’t have hung their poster on your wall, or put that sticker on your bumper, or left a review of them on Amazon, but you did. Now you’ve got to make a choice: continue listening to a band that is trying to speak to millions or find a new band that’s only singing to a dozen attendees at a time. Support your local music.

-Pro tip: If your straw has more than two holes in it, it’s broken. If your straw has less than two holes, it’s not a straw.

-I didn’t celebrate 4/20 this year, but I did celebrate 4/11. I’m all about knowledge and information. That’s just how I roll motherfucker.

-By now a lot of people have heard of the sexual sense of the phrase “London Bridge” which is slang for when two guys stand at each end of a woman and engage in sexual acts while the woman is bent over. However, fewer people have heard about the similar act know on the streets as “Golden Gate Bridge” which involves more guys and more girls and introduces a little bit of urination. Disgusting, I know, but I’m here to keep you up-to-date on these things. It’s a dirty job.

-I bet that if we renamed “greenhouse gases” to “happy air” more people would care about the ozone (which would also need to be renamed to “the fun time zone”).

-Hang gliding is a great mix of words. “Hang”, usually associated with capital punishment and the abrupt death of a person, and “gliding”, a calm and smooth fall to the ground.

-You know some people I could live without? People who excessively click their pens while in otherwise quiet situations.

-I bet you $10 that Gumby’s poop was green.

-This nation would be a happier place if we had more monster truck rallies.

-Mother’s Day is one of my favorite holidays of the year. It’s my only solid excuse to play with macaroni and gold spray paint.