Tag Archives: motto

Super Obnoxious

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-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.

Embracing The Stupid Of Tomorrow

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-I don’t like to brag, but I beat a deaf, blind kid at pinball once.

-I’m not for certain, but I’m pretty sure that a Native American breaking into your room and setting your novelty dreamcatcher on fire and then peeing on it to put out the fire is not a good sign.

-If you didn’t know the definition, you might think that someone calling you a “sexist” was actually a pretty awesome compliment.

-It’s the differences between us that keep us sane.

-I really hope I die on one of my days off. I’d really hate to spend a whole day at work only to bite the dirt on my way home. What a waste of a day that would be.

-On an application for a job or school or anything really, it’s never a good idea to put “freelance gynecologist” in the Hobbies/Other Interests section.

-I met a guy named Ted D. Bear today. I told him it was unfortunate that his parents hate him that much, but at least they didn’t name him Snuggles or Yogi.

-Everything should be judged and rated by a 5-star peer review system. Online dating networks could rate each candidate by their past performances, underwear at Victoria’s Secret sorted by a 5-star rating of sexiest to least sexy, or dogs at the kennel rated least likely to tear your entire house apart.

-Pro tip: If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s probably not your damn shoe.

-I discovered the best rap song lyrics ever: “Got a one track mind / Gotta, gotta, gotta get dat behind. / Booty booty, fresh and fruity / Gotta, gotta, hit dat booty.” So classy, so modern; I love it.

-Some call me a hopeless romantic, but I call myself stupid. I have a terrible habit of falling madly in love with girls who couldn’t care less about me.

-After being in Happy Gilmore, I wonder how many times Bob Barker wanted to actually tell a contestant “The price is wrong, bitch!”

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the expression “Got to piss like a race horse.”

-Cheech and Chong need their own Saturday morning cartoon special.

-I need more readers! Spread the word and let your friends know about AmazinglyMundane.com through Facebook by becoming a fan of the AmazinglyMundane.com Page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/AmazinglyMundanecom/87514425205  or by adding me as a friend on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/ldforrest

-Not to sound too needy, but I also need bodies! In my quest for finding more work as a graphic designer, I need more and more samples for my portfolio. I am currently seeking amateur models in the Houston area for portraits and staged photography! Contact me at ldforrest at hotmail dot com if you’re interested!

Progress In Reverse

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-If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I don’t want to come back as a lonely amoeba, waddling my protoplasmic mass around, playing parasite to some unfortunate host.

-If you really had to choose, would you rather lose all of your fingers except your pinkies or would you rather lose all of your toes except the smallest ones, you know, the little piggies that went to the market?

-No one ever needs a king size candy bar. Want it as much as you’d like, but you can’t justify your body needing 10lbs of chocolate covered with a half gallon of caramel and a jars worth of crushed up peanuts.

-”You call this music? Sounds like he’s playing the piano with a garden rake strapped to his dick.”

-Nothing says “I love you” like inviting a total stranger into the bedroom for a night of fun.

-A 400lb doctor telling you that you should eat healthier is like a mother of eight telling me I should practice safe sex.

-IHOP is a classy place to take a girl on a date. The stale coffee smell and the lingering tobacco smoke go great with the delicious food and sticky tabletops.

-It was cut out of the children’s book, but Prince Charming was actually a necrophiliac and thought Sleeping Beauty was dead when he kissed her and was then somewhat disappointed when she woke up and proclaimed he was her one true love. True story.

-A pen is never truly out of ink until it fails the drawing clockwise scribbled circles test.

-Best question I’ve ever been asked: “Where can I find D-batteries and edible undergarments?”

-If I had a time machine I’d go back in time and ruin everyone’s movie going experience by spoiling the ending of every movie during the opening credits.

-I stayed in a very exotic hotel last summer; they had bath mats made out of Siamese cat fur.

-Whoever decided to call an open door “ajar” was a real ass. “The door is ajar.” “No, the door is a door; this open glass container is a jar.” “Yes, the jar is ajar as well.”

-With a little relabeling and some new box art, you could turn a regular retail grill accessory kit into a do it yourself cannibalism kit.

-There is no I in “team” but there is one in “quit” and one in “give up”.

Overwhelming The Underwhelmed

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-On every first date I go on, I try to work a few very important questions casually into the conversation: 1) Have you ever cut a man’s dick off? 2) Was your uncle cremated and do you keep his remains in a milk jug in the refrigerator? And 3) Have you ever contemplated chopping a man’s wiener off? If she answers those three questions satisfactory then I’ll probably arrange to see her again.

-Sexy dorky people shall now be referred to as “storky”.

-Life certainly is a highway, but unfortunately I know a few people that just can’t seem to leave their driveway.

-Ordering sushi at a restaurant instead of cooked meat is like wanting a gallon of milk and having to buy a cow at a grocery store. Just hang on to that shit until it’s ready for me to consume.

-I came up with some new dance moves last night. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I’d relate it to how a person would look if an alien suddenly burst from their sternum and then did a little jazz hands at the end.

-You a name that would really suck to have? Dickface Cockbag III.

-Have you ever tried to teach a zombie some table manners? It’s really hard to get it through their head that they shouldn’t play with their food and that they ought to use some napkins and not be such messy eaters. Not to mention that the entire time you’re trying to teach them they’re trying to disembowel you and wear your face as a hat.

-There are several types of deaths in movies that you just can’t ever take seriously and they always have at least a little bit of comic value. One death that comes to mind in particular is anyone being killed by a harpoon gun that isn’t underwater or dressed in scuba gear.

-It doesn’t matter that you lost, what matters is what you learned from your failures. For example, now you know exactly how not to win a $5,000 grand prize. That might be useful.

-Pro Tip: You mop floors by holding onto the dry end.

-My love life can be summed up in one simple equation: Me = Life – Love

-My creativity knows no bounds. Nor does it recognize any laws, moral boundaries, personal standards, or social norms.

Misdirection

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-Justice is a delicate pie that is all too often delivered by a poorly trained monkey riding a rocket at full speed through a tornado.

-I’m a man of my word – and my word is boobies.

-Good things come to those who wait. Unless you’re waiting on concert tickets, those just get worse and worse the longer you wait. Well, unless you really want to sit in row ZZ99 situated right behind a giant cement column.

-Honorable mention is kind of a pointless award in an eating contest. You pretty much just went on stage and had a nice meal, nothing particularly honorable about that.

-I’m happy and I know it, I just refuse to clap my hands. Thus, I will not show it.

-I’m sick of these backyard dog relationships. Barking at each other through the fence then when face to face they just sniff each other’s asses and act like everything’s hunky-dory.

-Summer is my favorite time of year. It means I can finally throw a B.B.B.B.B.Q. (bikini, beer, beach, barbeque) party.

-”Isn’t this a magical moment, sweetie?”
“No, a truck full of crystal balls crashing into a glitter factory would be a magical moment. This is pretty fucking mundane.”

-Potted plants make me sad; forced to live their lives with a capped potential. It’d be like living a completely normal life but you’d always have to wear clothes too small for you.

-In every instance of my entire life that I said, “I’ll bring my books and study there.” never have I ever actually studied when I got to where I was going.

-I want to do something really great for society so they erect a statue in my honor. And I want that statue to be a dozen foxy nurses riding on the back of a unicorn that’s stabbing Rosie O’Donnell in the heart with its horn. That’d be one hell of a memorial, I think.

-If you’re the successor to a failure does that just make you neutral or another failure?

-Here’s the average work philosophy: work as little as possible, take credit for as much as you can, and bitch about it all the first chance you get.

-When all of the guns are out on the table, it’s too late to change where your allegiances lie.