Tag Archives: movie

Thanks For The Venom

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-I’d like to see a lumberjack try to get aboard an airplane with a suitcase full of axes and a chainsaw as his carryon.

-Your success at living with scars isn’t determined by how well you conceal them, but by how proudly you display them, acknowledge them, and understand what you’ve learned from them.

-Someone needs to invent a machine that juggles jugglers.

-“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” –Jean Cocteau

-There’s slang a night owl and an early bird, but what about someone who is out in the afternoon? Perhaps “late rooster”? Or maybe “mid-day duckling”?

-I bet whichever Jack jumping-jacks were named after was a real obnoxious prick.

-If you’ve made the decision to drink all day then there’s no problem with starting early.

-I just came up with a great idea for a sequel: Old Yeller 2: Yeller’s Revenge… in 3D.

-Fun Fact: One sperm has 37.5MB worth of DNA information in it. A normal ejaculation represents a data transfer rate of 529GB per second.

-I’m Blame Game World Champion four years running now!

-If a baseball player hits a homerun, but dies before he can run around the bases, does the homerun still count?

-There are two situations I never want to be in: one is to be stuck on a two person bicycle with The Flash and the other is the situation we’re in right now.

-Guys with erectile dysfunction have mourning wood issues.

-I’ve been breaking hearts since before Pat Benatar made it cool.

Pondering, Wondering, And Getting Lost

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-If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all of that Acme crap then why doesn’t he just buy his own grilled roadrunner dinner?

-With just a few carefully arranged garbage bags and little rain on a summer day, you can make yourself a pretty bitching slip-and-slide.

-”Snot” is a pretty disgusting word, but not nearly as gross as “pus”.

-If you’re not a strong writer, then make sure you spend a lot of time working on your cover page. If you can’t even design a nice cover page then you should spend money on someone else to make a nice cover for you.

-I am a man of my word and that word is full-frontal-nudity.

-A few months ago a lake in Chile disappeared. Geologists later determined that a large crack formed under the lake and the water drained into the empty caves below. Unfortunately, several lake houses just dropped in value by about 200%.

-Make no mistake about it, in relationships, the one with the vagina makes the rules.

-Great news everybody! Writers have begun drafting the script for a big-screen Baywatch movie! No cast roles have been filled yet.

-There is an alcoholic drink called a “hand job”. It is comprised of Jack Daniel’s and Squirt Soda.

-Pro Tip: If your socks are on fire, your pant legs are probably next.

-She was putty in my hands; first, I shaped her into a ball and then I rolled her into a worm, then I flattened her out into a big circle and then I used a cookie cutter to shape her into a little puppy and then I folded her into a little square and dropped her into the spaghetti maker. If that’s not a passionate and romantic evening I don’t know what is.

-Throughout mankind’s history, from cave paintings through the Renaissance, nude photos and paintings were considered art, then, in the 50′s, suddenly they became “pornography”.

-There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth at any given moment, seriously.

-Hippy zombies petition for free love and delicious open minds.

-The worst part about time traveling is that no matter when you go back to, the ending is always spoiled.

Uix Mt Ip

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-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.

-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.

-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.

-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”

-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.

-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.

-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.

-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.

-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.

-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.

-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.

-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.

-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.

-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?

-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.

-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.

Go Funk Yourself

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-In a perfect world, no statement would start with those first four words.

-I don’t mind singing in the shower, but when I get out the crowd always demands an encore and then I’m forced to continue singing while I try to brush my teeth.

-The best part about getting older is that you get to start more stories with “Back in my day…” and “When I was your age…”.

-Unlucky is having sex once, wearing a condom, and still becoming a father of triplets.

-Ambition tells you to not go to bed until your job is finished. Laziness tells you to do your work in the morning after you get some sleep.

-Unbearably embarrassing moments: Be a lead man carrying a casket at a funeral, but due to an untied shoelace you trip. As the casket is falling to the ground, the deceased flies from it and lands in the grave face down.

-The only thing more relaxing than chair shopping is bed shopping.

-Everyone seems surprised that celebrities die, as if they were ever something more than just human. Although their deaths are tragic, the media translates it as if it is the end of times.

-There’s nothing wrong with adding some color to your wardrobe, but fuck, some people look like they threw a box of crayons and a rainbow into a blender and doused themselves with whatever came of it!

-I like to hang out with people larger than me, that way if we’re captured by a tribe of cannibals my chances of being eaten drastically decrease.

-There needs to be a circle state. I think right in the middle of Missouri would be a good spot. Spot, that’s what we’ll name the new state too! The capitol city will be named Dot.

-I think the next Saw movie should have a guy trapped with his junk inside a toaster and the only way he can escape the room is if he makes and eats an entire box of Eggo Waffles.

-The electric carts at department stores are for handicapped people, not for people over 400lbs who don’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the store for a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese puffs.

-An optimist will tell you that things can’t get any worse while a pessimist will tell you it can’t get any better.

Zombies Are Just Hungering For Knowledge

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-Some people just deserve a good swift kick to the crotch.

-In an effort to get inspired and to come up with new material, I ventured out to the great outdoors. Well, as my car sat at the local park while I got in touch with nature and what not, a dozen or so birds decided to crap all over the damn thing and to finish things off, on my way home I hit a squirrel, a house cat, two ducks and a penguin. Fuck nature.

-You have to accept that there is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand.

-There comes a point in any geeky guy’s life when he has to ask himself a really important question, no matter how much he may dread the answer: “Is my online girlfriend really a guy?”

-I’m an honorable man, but I’ll never admit to stealing those cookies from the cookie jar.

-A man teaching gun safety accidently shot himself in the head while demonstrating why you should keep guns unloaded at all times. If that’s not irony then I don’t know what is. [Article source: http://www.azstarnet.com/metro/293333.php ]

-Men don’t share their clothes with other men, unless it involves a funeral service: only exception, period.

-The new poster for the Twilight sequel, New Moon, has hit the net and I’m pretty sure I need to go change my pants. Hopefully this one won’t suck, but judging by the poster this movie is still going to be a series of funny facial expressions. [Image link: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41127 ]

-No one cares for police officers that much when they’re getting a ticket, but as soon as someone breaks into their house and steals their collection of Star Wars figurines who’s the first person they call?

-My security blanket for when I retire is a million dollars sewn together into a giant quilt.

-Pro Tip: Eating one of those tree shaped air fresheners is not the same thing as rinsing with some mouthwash.

-I’m going to go get terminated tonight at midnight. Hopefully the new Terminator Salvation movie has a bunch of grown ass men naked in a fetal position. That’s my favorite part about the series. Well, that and when the T-1000 stabs John Connor’s dad in the face through the bottom of the milk carton. That part was pretty cool too. I fucking love milk.

-Don’t expect much from me and I’ll expect even less from you.

Douchebaggery

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-If painting your face green, having several Baileys shots, talking in an accent, and drinking green beer all night doesn’t make you Irish then I just don’t know what will.

-I am at a point of great irresolute. Which is better; coconut bras or seashell bras?

-If I made the rules, every restaurant would give you crayons and every table would have a paper tablecloth.

-There must be a How-To book out there about how to force your opinions on others and make them give a shit, because I’m starting to care. I gotta watch that.

-A weird person is someone who keeps their cremated relative in a see-through glass container.

-On all of my travels, I’m going to bring home a bar of soap from the hotel I stayed at. When I turn 55 I’m going to melt all of the bars of soap into one giant block. From that block I’m going to carve something amazing to remember my travels by. I’m a pretty terrible sculptor so when you look at it, you’ll probably need to use a lot of your own imagination. It’s going to be so awesome though, just wait!

-While filming a segment of the movie The Twilight Zone (1983), a helicopter was flew too low to avoid the explosions of the pyrotechnics. The blast severed the tail rotor and the helicopter spun out of control and crashed, decapitating two actors with its blades and crushing another.

-I think I could get into a rapper named DJ Jazzy Ice Cream Sprinkles.

-Doesn’t it bother you that you can’t make phone calls with headphones, head-PHONES? I lose sleep, honestly.

-I admire well laid plans, especially when they don’t work out and the sloppy hastily-made plans prevail.

-Your mom is so fat she doesn’t need the internet – she’s already world wide.

-I’m just kidding about that last one; your mom is a really swell lady.

-Albert Einstein’s last words went unheard. Unfortunately for him, his nurse didn’t speak German. I bet he said something really deep and meaningful. Something he planned for years and years to be the most eloquent words any dying man could ever manage to muster. Such a shame. Such is life.