Tag Archives: movies

Gypsies, Toads, And Evildoers

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-This will be the most difficult blog I’ve ever had to write; not because I have nothing funny to talk about, not because I’ve joined the CIA and been sworn to secrecy, not because I lost all of my fingers in a terrible jungle gym accident, but because I have two of my fingers stuck in an ancient Chinese finger trap. Okay to be honest, it’s not ancient, I bought it yesterday, and it actually says “Made in Taiwan”, not China, but still.

-I’m a strong advocate of fairness; I believe that we should all suffer equally.

-Debriefing sounds like something you do just before you hop in the shower or just before having sex.

-I’d like to hope that reincarnation is completely impossible, that way I don’t have to worry about coming back into this world as a drink coaster. That’d pretty much suck balls.

-Nothing irks me more than someone ruining the ending of a good porn flick.

-I was stuck in an elevator once. We were only in there for about an hour, but after 15 minutes or so I broke the silence and suggested that we eat one of the other stranded passengers. Apparently there is a time limit on how long you have to wait until suggesting cannibalism is considered plausible and acceptable.

-I end all of my emails and letters with “Ps. I was naked when I wrote this.” regardless of if it’s true or not. No one really appreciates it more than my Business Law teacher when I send in my homework.

-Nothing says “I couldn’t care less about what you think of me” like a hat that says “Fuck you” really big on it.

-If you’re not spitting blood and teary eyed after brushing your teeth than you’re not doing it right.

-Everyone has hobbies. One of mine is collecting paper. I have them sorted into stacks by what’s on them and I store them in different locations throughout my house. I keep the ones with “$” on them in a big metal box in my closet, the pieces of paper with song lyrics on them are kept with my music collection, I throw the ones that say “bill” on them in my garbage can, and the ones with pictures of naked people on them are kept under my bed.

-I had a dream last night that I was trapped inside of a kaleidoscope with dozens of furry animals. Then, after I saw the pictures on my friends phone, I realized I had just gotten totally plastered at Chucky Cheese and couldn’t find my way out of the ball pit.

Overwhelming The Underwhelmed

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-On every first date I go on, I try to work a few very important questions casually into the conversation: 1) Have you ever cut a man’s dick off? 2) Was your uncle cremated and do you keep his remains in a milk jug in the refrigerator? And 3) Have you ever contemplated chopping a man’s wiener off? If she answers those three questions satisfactory then I’ll probably arrange to see her again.

-Sexy dorky people shall now be referred to as “storky”.

-Life certainly is a highway, but unfortunately I know a few people that just can’t seem to leave their driveway.

-Ordering sushi at a restaurant instead of cooked meat is like wanting a gallon of milk and having to buy a cow at a grocery store. Just hang on to that shit until it’s ready for me to consume.

-I came up with some new dance moves last night. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I’d relate it to how a person would look if an alien suddenly burst from their sternum and then did a little jazz hands at the end.

-You a name that would really suck to have? Dickface Cockbag III.

-Have you ever tried to teach a zombie some table manners? It’s really hard to get it through their head that they shouldn’t play with their food and that they ought to use some napkins and not be such messy eaters. Not to mention that the entire time you’re trying to teach them they’re trying to disembowel you and wear your face as a hat.

-There are several types of deaths in movies that you just can’t ever take seriously and they always have at least a little bit of comic value. One death that comes to mind in particular is anyone being killed by a harpoon gun that isn’t underwater or dressed in scuba gear.

-It doesn’t matter that you lost, what matters is what you learned from your failures. For example, now you know exactly how not to win a $5,000 grand prize. That might be useful.

-Pro Tip: You mop floors by holding onto the dry end.

-My love life can be summed up in one simple equation: Me = Life – Love

-My creativity knows no bounds. Nor does it recognize any laws, moral boundaries, personal standards, or social norms.

Bathroom Stall Of Fame

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-I made my spring resolutions today. You know what spring resolutions are, right? They’re the second chance at the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already broke. There’s also such a thing as fall resolutions if you still can’t keep your promises to yourself. On the other hand however, there is not such thing as summer resolutions. All bets are off for the summertime.

-I want to live on the moon. Then I wouldn’t have to mow the fucking grass.

-Before I die, I want to be involved in a huge city mob. I want to be that guy in the background with the flaming torch who yells “Let’s get him guys!”

-Bad luck is trying to catch a suicidal person as they jump from a roof and in turn the weight of their body landing on you kills you but lets them walk away unscathed.

-You know an expression I really miss? “Insane with the membrane.”

-Twilight isn’t a vampire movie per say. It’s actually a documentary of a pale high school kid who is constantly making funny faces in between reapplying large amounts of hair gel and stalking innocent girls while they sleep.

-I don’t do drugs because almost 5% of them are smuggled into the country rectally. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.

-You know why they haven’t changed the Slinky? You can’t improve perfection.

-I wore a calculator watch when I was younger. Not because it was convenient, not because I was a dork, I wore it because I cheated on math tests.

-”Incest” is a really hilarious typo when you mean “insect”. Especially when talking about incest repellant spray or when you’re telling a story about how you had to slap the incest right off your face!

-Unless you’re a bee farmer you have absolutely no reason to ever, ever, say “None of your bees wax.”

-Did you know that Adolf Hitler abstained from alcohol?

-I order all of my condoms online. There’s no better way to guarantee a safe, secure, contraceptive than to have it delivered to my house in the mid afternoon by the delicate hands of a postal worker only to me left on my doorstep for hours until I arrive home.

-I enjoy pulling people’s legs. Not jokingly, I mean literally: I enjoy hiding under things and pulling people’s appendages as they stroll by. It makes me giggle.

To See Like Your Eyes Do

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-I sold my soul to a pawn shop for a fake Rolex watch, a 20″ television, and an old acoustic guitar.

-I must not be American. Fuck baseball, fornication is my favorite pastime.

-If I was in your shoes, my feet would be pretty uncomfortable.

-”You’re about as helpful as a scented candle in a used diaper recycling factory.”

-In Boy Scouts, I think you get a badge for being molested by your Scout Leader and not telling your parents about it.

-This weekend I start filming my new documentary style series. It’s called Grannies Gone Wild, should be pretty awesome.

-Is the Vice President’s wife called the second lady? Or do we stop numbering them after the first? If so, why even bother numbering them in the first place?

-I don’t believe in reincarnating into an animal because I’d like to hope that I won’t come back to this little blue marble as a cow meandering around through life just to be slaughtered and turned into a couple dozen Big Mac burgers. And I don’t believe in reincarnating as an object because I’d like not to come back as a bottle of personal lubricant. I’d rather just die and stay dead thank you very much.

-I’m a failed romantic. I had a really big crush on this girl for the longest time and things were going steady until I hired a tuba player to serenade her late one school night. After that, she wouldn’t return any of my phone calls.

-I like to be different, so I always eat my popsicles from the stick end first.

-What triggers inside the brain that makes you say to yourself “I want to be a monk! I want to wear pajamas all day long and hum to myself all the time.”

-Do not run while holding scissors or while carrying an angry anaconda.

-”Just because you caught me with my pants down doesn’t mean you have to slam my dick in the door.”

-What does the Tooth Fairy do with all of those teeth? Does she use them as bricks to build an enormous castle? Does she melt them down and turn them into fine jewelry? Come on. Why the fuck would anyone want all those teeth? If you’re going to make a fable, at least have the story flushed out to add some plausibility.

-You can’t learn to love until you learn to lose.

Obsolesce

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-Rather than to just do one thing great, I strive to do everything in mediocrity.

-Jeans without back pockets are ugly.

-There’s only one line worse than the post office and that’s the DMV. I’m pretty sure that if I had to wait in both lines in the same day, I’d probably pull all of the hair out of my head and with a little crazy glue I’d fashion it into a beard on one of the teller’s faces.

-A Mexican crossed with an Irishman would create the most comfortable traditional dress. Don’t even try to tell me that a poncho and a kilt would not be the ultimate in comfy guy attire.

-Losing your virginity is a lot like losing your underwear; even if you could get them back, would you really want it?

-A masked man walked into a Miami Burger King yesterday and pulled out a gun and demanded the clerk give him all of the money in the cash register. Little did the crook know, another patron inside the Burger King had a concealed weapon license and shot the robber dead while he was grabbing the cash.

-When a man shaves hair from his body it’s called manscaping; when a girl removes hair from her body it’s called mandatory.

-My 5th grade teacher didn’t like it too well when my science project thesis was “To use the scientific method to determine how big the stick in my teachers ass really is.”

-Cats are flammable. Keep their tales away from scented candles unless you want your house to smell like burning tires in a vat of spoiled eggs.

-Attack Of The 50ft Woman was a great 50′s sci-fi movie, but I don’t think I’d be that scared. I think you’d be lucky to get picked up in her giant moisturized hands and get a closer glimpse at those 50ft tall woman chest muscles… But maybe that’s just me.

-The loudness of a girl’s high heels as she walks is equally proportional to how much of a bitch she is when she reaches her destination. In conclusion, the sweetest girl in the world is the one who wears socks and house slippers everywhere she goes.

-”A man is wealthy in proportion to the things he can do without.” – Epicurus

-You should go buy some Midol, cause you’re cramping my style.