Tag Archives: myspace

Hollowed By Uncertainty

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-I’m pretty sure I could live happily without cotton balls.

-The best part about waking up at 6am is that you don’t have to wake up at 5am.

-”I didn’t hit him. I just gave his face a high-five!”

-Organ donor – A person who is known for having many sexual partners.

-The best times to be non-religious: spring break, summer break, science classes, Halloween, and rock concerts. The worst times to be non-religious: Bar Mitzvahs, Christmas, weddings, funerals, and when playing the lottery.

-Pro Tip: If the humidity is over 100% and you’re surrounded by a dozen naked men, you are either in the Amazon rainforest or a club gym’s sauna room.

-Online dating is great: straight from MySpace to her place.

-Nothing clears your mind like a .45 caliber round through your cranium.

-Every year, nearly a thousand people are burnt by trying to iron their clothes while wearing them. Of those thousand people, one thousand of them are fucking stupid.

-Alcohol makes girls do funny things, like kiss each other… I love alcohol.

-The government doesn’t need to wiretap my phones or monitor by internet activities. They just need to follow me on Twitter. [http://twitter.com/AmznglyMundane]

-I can’t wait until I have kids so I can pass all of my problems, flaws, and shortcomings onto them.

-In some small Midwest towns, the state militias are actually based in the rear parking lot of their local Wal-Mart store.

-Speaking of militias, with the threat of water and oil shortages there has been some far off speculation that war on America’s soil may happen. I just hope no one is dumb enough to try to mobilize through Texas. We have more guns than citizens in some counties.

-Mammo-glamour – A female who has a great bust but otherwise less-than-impressive features.

-Did you know that with a hefty amount of starch you can turn a mop into a broom? Well, now you know. You’re welcome!

-Patience will get you through the day. Patience will keep you waiting.

Nonsense Poopy Pants

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-I really hate to spoil things, but I was kinda of lost at the end of Transformers 2 when they all fell into the volcano and somehow traveled back in time to fight dinosaurs. I’m not sure how that was relevant to the storyline, but the effects were amazing!

-There is no polite way to ask someone to remove their head from their own ass. The closest I’ve got was “Would you kindly remove your cranium from your rectum, please.”

-I’m glad I don’t have any of those tacky MySpace friends that post those glittery graphics for totally random occasions.

-The world needs less glitter anyway. Glitter is just a half ass way to make something that’s shit look a little less shitty.

-You’re more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark… unless you’re a seal. If you’re a seal you can pretty much remove the lightning part from the equation.

-While we’re over here trying to figure out the future of our healthcare system and saving countless businesses from bankruptcy, over in Sweden they are voting on allowing women to bathe topless at any location, private or public. Lucky for them, it was a success! Swedish women can now let it all hang out with the men. If I lived there, the first thing I’d do would be to throw a pool party in celebration!

-The expression “whisper sweet nothings in their ear” doesn’t mean to actually whisper “sweet nothings”.

-$5,000 dollars could buy a pretty decent sent of fake boobs for your girl [or yourself] or you could spend them on 8,745 glow sticks. Life is all about choices and this is one of the tough ones, I promise.

-Don’t get into a fight in a lobby because you can’t slam a revolving door shut on your way out.

-My last birthday wish was for people to celebrate my birthday everyday from now on. Needless to say that wish didn’t come true, but neither did my other wishes for Angelina Jolie to pop out of my birthday cake. I’m losing hope quickly here and I’m almost certain that wishes do not come true at all.

-In the words of the great Lynyrd Skynyrd “You can’t always trust your woman, you can’t always trust your best friend. Beware of the ones you need, they might be the ones who do you in.”

-Irony is bleeding to death from a paper cut you got from the edge of a Get Well Soon card.

Embracing The Stupid Of Tomorrow

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-I don’t like to brag, but I beat a deaf, blind kid at pinball once.

-I’m not for certain, but I’m pretty sure that a Native American breaking into your room and setting your novelty dreamcatcher on fire and then peeing on it to put out the fire is not a good sign.

-If you didn’t know the definition, you might think that someone calling you a “sexist” was actually a pretty awesome compliment.

-It’s the differences between us that keep us sane.

-I really hope I die on one of my days off. I’d really hate to spend a whole day at work only to bite the dirt on my way home. What a waste of a day that would be.

-On an application for a job or school or anything really, it’s never a good idea to put “freelance gynecologist” in the Hobbies/Other Interests section.

-I met a guy named Ted D. Bear today. I told him it was unfortunate that his parents hate him that much, but at least they didn’t name him Snuggles or Yogi.

-Everything should be judged and rated by a 5-star peer review system. Online dating networks could rate each candidate by their past performances, underwear at Victoria’s Secret sorted by a 5-star rating of sexiest to least sexy, or dogs at the kennel rated least likely to tear your entire house apart.

-Pro tip: If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s probably not your damn shoe.

-I discovered the best rap song lyrics ever: “Got a one track mind / Gotta, gotta, gotta get dat behind. / Booty booty, fresh and fruity / Gotta, gotta, hit dat booty.” So classy, so modern; I love it.

-Some call me a hopeless romantic, but I call myself stupid. I have a terrible habit of falling madly in love with girls who couldn’t care less about me.

-After being in Happy Gilmore, I wonder how many times Bob Barker wanted to actually tell a contestant “The price is wrong, bitch!”

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the expression “Got to piss like a race horse.”

-Cheech and Chong need their own Saturday morning cartoon special.

-I need more readers! Spread the word and let your friends know about AmazinglyMundane.com through Facebook by becoming a fan of the AmazinglyMundane.com Page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/AmazinglyMundanecom/87514425205  or by adding me as a friend on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/ldforrest

-Not to sound too needy, but I also need bodies! In my quest for finding more work as a graphic designer, I need more and more samples for my portfolio. I am currently seeking amateur models in the Houston area for portraits and staged photography! Contact me at ldforrest at hotmail dot com if you’re interested!

You Do Or Don’t, Then You’re Dead

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-Size people up quickly and develop rigid attitudes based only on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to know someone, then you’re asking for trouble.

-As it stands right now, the American education system is about as beneficial to society as a flat tire is to a unicyclist.

-I bet that at one point in time, the internet was just a search engine and one porn website. Even if you searched for Bob Dole, you’d get sent to a page that had at least a couple sets of nipples on it.

-It seems most people aren’t familiar with the expression “whore bath”, so I’ll spell it out for all of you not in the loop. A whore bath is basically someone who stinks, or is sweaty or in some way unclean, so, instead of taking a shower or cleaning up properly, they just douse themselves with enough perfume to kill a rhino.

-When in history did storing your spare coinage inside a farm animal become considered as a good financial savings practice?

-Paint thinner is my anti-drug.

-I eat my gummy bears just like everyone else. First I tear off all of their limbs and eat them, and then I eat the torso, and I save the head for last since it’s the tastiest.

-Despite business in the field being down 30%, the promise of flexible hours and quick cash during these economic times is sending women from typical jobs to jobs at strip clubs and jobs in the adult industry at a record rate. Strip clubs even have a higher percentage of dancers with college degrees than ever before. Now you can get a lap dance and get your taxes filed all in one place.

-I can’t wait until my grandchildren are in school and they have to study the history of MySpace and Facebook because they have a test over how that one day, Susie was a total bitch and updated her status confessing her love for Billy, even though she like totally knew that her friend Christine had a crush on Billy already. Gosh! What a skank!

-”Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels.
The troublemakers. The round
pegs in the square holes – the
ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules and
they have no respect for
the status quo. You can praise
them, disagree with them,
quote them, disbelieve them,
glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing that you
can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.”

- Jack Kerouac