Tag Archives: news

Confetti Vomit And Unicorn Glue

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-You know your girlfriend is a bad cook when her stories about her Easy Bake Oven involve her accidentally burning down Barbie’s Playhouse and how her room wreaked with the smell of burnt Troll doll hair.

-I was kidnapped and held ransom once for $9 in unmarked bills.

-It’s sad when your comedy channel has become the news channel and your news channel is the old comedy channel. Who needs reality? Entertain me!

-Around the office pranks can make the monotony of the work day diminish a little, but my coworkers weren’t too happy with the thin coat of Icy Hot that I put all over the hand rails, light switches, and, especially, the toilet seats. However, the vodka in the water cooler was a huge success!

-“Break neck speed” isn’t really possible; “break neck stop” however, is pretty damn common.

-Three-out-of-five stay at home moms suffer from extreme Tupperware addiction. I want this issue addressed as a key talking point in the next presidential election.

-I think it’d be fun to offer my friends a deluxe DVD package showcasing a few hours of my most hilarious and heartwarming moments. I will find a way to work capitalism into every single one of my interpersonal relationships.

-”If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” -George Bernard Shaw

-Technology has once again let me down. Everything today has a friends list, or some sort of social directory, yet none of them have an enemies list or a “people I’d like to see repeatedly stubbing their toes on furniture” list.

-Throwing money at your problems is not a solution unless we’re talking about spilt liquids and paper bills. In that case, throwing money at your problem is a solution, although not the most cost efficient one.

-The whiskey and cookie diet is the newest fitness craze sweeping the nation! Paired with the lounge-around-your-house-all-day-in-your-underwear workout, you’ll have the body of a Greek God/Goddess in mere weeks!

-The problem with promises is that they are too easily made and too easily broken.

Mischief, Mayhem, And Meanderings

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-Being in debt is a good way to really see what you’re worth; knee caps $10,000 each, fingers $1,500 each, legs are about $2,000, and each finger and toenail is about $200.

-”…And for the next contestant of the Talent portion of this year’s Miss America Pageant, Susie May is going to perform long division!”

-First there were no machines. Then, when we called people we really hoped we didn’t have to talk to a machine. Now, when we visit websites, we have to prove that we are not machines.

-There is a special point in life when you realize that the list of things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.

-Good news travels fast; bad news is always running about five minutes late.

-It’s impossible to reach Zen with pants on.

-Time is only one person’s side and that’s Time’s.

-British mum and four of her daughters get breast implants. [Article source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/life-style/kids-and-family/2009/07/12/mum-and-four-daughters-spend-40-000-on-nine-boob-ops-115875-21512369/ ] Unfortunately, they’re all blondes.

-Your momma is so fat that if she was a magician she’d have to vanish into fat air.

-”Up shit creek without a paddle” is just a roundabout way of saying the same expression of “It’s time you roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty.”

-It’s a good thing that dinosaurs aren’t around anymore. If they were, there’d probably a rights activist group and there would never be another movie about people having to kill rampant dinosaurs in order to escape a freak-show of an amusement park on some tropical island.

-Falling into a vat of cotton candy is a sticky situation I think everyone wants to be in.

-”Filthy rich” is when you’re wearing $200 underwear and $500 jeans and you shit yourself and you don’t care.

-Be an impressive motherfucker, be honest and be yourself.

-The jig is up, the news is out, they’ve finally found me;
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty;
Never more to go astray, this will be the end today.

Pondering, Wondering, And Getting Lost

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-If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all of that Acme crap then why doesn’t he just buy his own grilled roadrunner dinner?

-With just a few carefully arranged garbage bags and little rain on a summer day, you can make yourself a pretty bitching slip-and-slide.

-”Snot” is a pretty disgusting word, but not nearly as gross as “pus”.

-If you’re not a strong writer, then make sure you spend a lot of time working on your cover page. If you can’t even design a nice cover page then you should spend money on someone else to make a nice cover for you.

-I am a man of my word and that word is full-frontal-nudity.

-A few months ago a lake in Chile disappeared. Geologists later determined that a large crack formed under the lake and the water drained into the empty caves below. Unfortunately, several lake houses just dropped in value by about 200%.

-Make no mistake about it, in relationships, the one with the vagina makes the rules.

-Great news everybody! Writers have begun drafting the script for a big-screen Baywatch movie! No cast roles have been filled yet.

-There is an alcoholic drink called a “hand job”. It is comprised of Jack Daniel’s and Squirt Soda.

-Pro Tip: If your socks are on fire, your pant legs are probably next.

-She was putty in my hands; first, I shaped her into a ball and then I rolled her into a worm, then I flattened her out into a big circle and then I used a cookie cutter to shape her into a little puppy and then I folded her into a little square and dropped her into the spaghetti maker. If that’s not a passionate and romantic evening I don’t know what is.

-Throughout mankind’s history, from cave paintings through the Renaissance, nude photos and paintings were considered art, then, in the 50′s, suddenly they became “pornography”.

-There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth at any given moment, seriously.

-Hippy zombies petition for free love and delicious open minds.

-The worst part about time traveling is that no matter when you go back to, the ending is always spoiled.

We’re All Unique Individuals

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-”I love you.” was the Freudian slip that did me in.

-I’ve never had anything literally “knock my socks off”.

-Pound, pound, and pound all mean different things. That’s why here in America we have to take ten years of English classes for even a high school degree.

-”A great man once advised that if you’re really good at something then you should never do it for free. That’s why it’s going to cost you another $2 for me to refill your drinks.” I enjoy a waitress with a good sense of humor.

-Laundry day often turns into wonder-around-the-house-naked day.

-I was disappointed to discover that there are neither elephants nor clowns on any of the Carnival Cruise Line cruise ships.

-A Chinese woman heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter’s suffering of psychiatric problems. She and her husband then enlisted the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk, 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, served it with some garnish and some pieces of duck, and strangely, it didn’t cure shit and now the killer and the parents are going to face jail time. [News article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5617094/Chinese-woman-boiled-mans-head-to-cure-daugthers-psychiatric-problems.html]

-A neighbor of mine informed me that there is a new trend amongst young people. Kids are smashing up Smarties [you know, those little disc candies that come in a roll of twenty or so] piling the small pieces into lines and snorting them like cocaine. The best part about this trend is that it causes no side effects; it basically just leaves them with burning nostrils and often a headache. These children are the future of the world. These kids are really going to push us in the right direction, I can feel it!

-Reverse engineering can solve a lot of problems, but it won’t fix stupid.

-The gallon of milk in my refrigerator expires on July 4. Somewhere out there, there must be a very patriotic cow, doing her part to support the American economy in this harsh economic climate.

-Kush Support is a nifty little round thing that women can put between their breasts while they sleep to provide natural support to the breasts while they sleep. Here’s the commercial. Commercial is safe for work, but some of the “related” YouTube videos might not be. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbPYfW2s-E&feature=player_embedded]

-I’ll end this one with a little advice once again. If it smells like trout, get the hell out.

Zombies Are Just Hungering For Knowledge

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-Some people just deserve a good swift kick to the crotch.

-In an effort to get inspired and to come up with new material, I ventured out to the great outdoors. Well, as my car sat at the local park while I got in touch with nature and what not, a dozen or so birds decided to crap all over the damn thing and to finish things off, on my way home I hit a squirrel, a house cat, two ducks and a penguin. Fuck nature.

-You have to accept that there is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand.

-There comes a point in any geeky guy’s life when he has to ask himself a really important question, no matter how much he may dread the answer: “Is my online girlfriend really a guy?”

-I’m an honorable man, but I’ll never admit to stealing those cookies from the cookie jar.

-A man teaching gun safety accidently shot himself in the head while demonstrating why you should keep guns unloaded at all times. If that’s not irony then I don’t know what is. [Article source: http://www.azstarnet.com/metro/293333.php ]

-Men don’t share their clothes with other men, unless it involves a funeral service: only exception, period.

-The new poster for the Twilight sequel, New Moon, has hit the net and I’m pretty sure I need to go change my pants. Hopefully this one won’t suck, but judging by the poster this movie is still going to be a series of funny facial expressions. [Image link: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41127 ]

-No one cares for police officers that much when they’re getting a ticket, but as soon as someone breaks into their house and steals their collection of Star Wars figurines who’s the first person they call?

-My security blanket for when I retire is a million dollars sewn together into a giant quilt.

-Pro Tip: Eating one of those tree shaped air fresheners is not the same thing as rinsing with some mouthwash.

-I’m going to go get terminated tonight at midnight. Hopefully the new Terminator Salvation movie has a bunch of grown ass men naked in a fetal position. That’s my favorite part about the series. Well, that and when the T-1000 stabs John Connor’s dad in the face through the bottom of the milk carton. That part was pretty cool too. I fucking love milk.

-Don’t expect much from me and I’ll expect even less from you.

There Aren’t Any Chaperons At Camp Awesome

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-Have you ever had one of those moments where you are just tired of drinking, but, for some reason, you keep drinking anyway?

-I don’t know about you, but I think we should just get rid of Wednesday and Thursday.

-When you really break it down, there are only two people in the United States who decide what you see or don’t see on the news. Yes, two people.

-Wow, somewhere in the neighborhood of $250,000 space porn. A piece of astronaut gear is going up for auction; it’s a page from the manuals of the Apollo 16 crew featuring a doodle of an astronaut and a naked cartoon space bimbo. [link to auction, NSFW cartoon boobies: http://www.daylife.com/photo/05QR51Y2Ga7NL ]

-All movies should end with every single main character dying, simply to prevent Hollywood from making some shitty sequel. Sure after a while it’d be predictable, but it’d be interesting to see how directors could kill off an entire cast within realistic boundaries of the story.

-Next time you’re filling up, be sure to spray the person on the other side of the pump with gasoline. It’s a cool, refreshing way to add some enjoyment to their day in these warm summer months.

-This beats the hell out of those annoying “Can you hear me now?” commercials. This is one of the first commercials for a cell phone from 1989. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that music in at least 5 different adult films though. [video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptbJZ9HBw2k ]

-Every time I assemble a puzzle that’s missing pieces it reminds me of the age old classic tale of the beloved Humpty Dumpty.

-Hopefully, by the time that the sun finally explodes there is such a thing as sunblock with SPF 3,000,000,000.

-It’s just an assumption, but I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with “jumping jacks” was probably named Jack… or Jumping.

-Here’s some good advice to help you live just a little bit longer: trust no one, take no chances, think of every consequence, look twice, keep to yourself, and be a pessimist. You’ll live longer, but you won’t live any happier.

-If I could possibly own everything in the world, I’d give it all away anyway. And you, my friend, would get all of the rubber bands.

-Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to send a thank you and happy birthday message to one of my most dedicated readers! Happy birthday Jennifer!

All Of A Sudden, Change

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-Hungering for knowledge is easy, but it means more than just regurgitating it all back up again for a test.

-Guys never stop two girls from fighting because there’s always the possibility that one of them might pull on the others clothes and a booby just might pop out. Even if the fight is between two girls in Alaska during the winter while they are both wearing two sweaters and a jacket; guys won’t stop the fight and that’s the honest truth.

-I’m really craving to get a new suit and spend a night on the town with a lady all dressed up. I must be getting old, either that or my fetishes are taking a turn for the ridiculously expensive.

-Muff burger, tuna taco: won’t find those on the dollar menu.

-The only difference between me and rock is that a rock can open a can without cutting itself.

-The best supporting actor in Transformers was Megan Fox’s pushup bra.

-I want an internet connection so fast that I’m browsing porn sites before I even know I want to see some nudity.

-I’m not particularly good at pickup lines. Lately I’ve been using this one though with mild success: “I’m probably the most interesting guy in this bar tonight, I’ll treat you right, and I’ll respect you as a fellow human being.”

-I hope that when I’m a dad and I ask my son what he wants to be when he grows up, he doesn’t look up at me and say something like “Daddy, I want to be shot out of a cannon for a living.” That’s one of those times when you really shouldn’t encourage them with the classic “Well, you can be anything you want to be.” line. Then I’d go tell my wife thanks for giving birth to a 45lb cannon ball.

-The details are really scarce in the article, but yesterday a group of pirates tried to board a U.S. cargo ship en route to Mombasa but the pirates couldn’t make it aboard the vessel, gave up and left before a coalition battleship showed up to escort the boat. You call yourself a pirate? Less rum, more training, and next time bring some fucking rope!

-I’ll be damned if I know what those girls on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they sure are pretty, and they’re definitely having a much better time than me.

-Nothing brings the family together like a good old fashioned heart attack.

- Cunnus lingua – the fancier you make it sound, the more exciting and taboo it sounds.

Eyes Wide Mouth Shut

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-Creativity is a pool, a public pool in fact. And well, sometimes a kid poops in your pool and everyone has to get out until the mess is all cleaned up.

-A teacher gave me her home phone number once. Said she wanted to talk with me about my dangling participle.

-Due to the recession, everything is taking a cutback, even the cake and cake stripper industry. Due to the tough economic times, bachelor parties, birthday parties, and first communions have had to resort to hiring midget and amputee strippers to cut back on the cost of the giant cake needed for the strippers to pop out of.

-Dumb people should die. On Saturday, a lady at the Berlin zoo thought it’d be a good idea to hop over the large cement wall and dive into the water with polar bears during feeding time. They then began to nibble on her plump fat rolls. [Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html#cnnSTCVideo ] Original article, pictures and video of the attack available at the link. It’s not that violent, but some might find the video disturbing: she’s plump, she’s soaking wet, and life rafts are breaking in half as rescuers try to hoist her to safety… Oh yeah, and there are some bears trying to eat her.

-It’s fine if you want to have Jesus as your co-pilot, but I don’t recommend him as your D.D.

-You know a shitty feeling? Doing your tax return and finding out you actually owe the government money instead.
 
-You know an even shittier feeling? Getting a tattoo and one of the words are spelt wrong.

-The only bunnies I care to hear about on Easter weekend are the Playboy bunnies. In fact, they’re the only bunnies I ever care to hear about. Fuck bunnies. “Fuck bunnies” should be the new slang for couples who procreate too frequently.

-Being able to confidently walk up to a cash register and purchase a tub of lube says a lot about your character.

-I have many ambitions in life; one is to spend a week being nothing but cougar meat, and by cougar I do not mean the feline.

-The best nights of your life won’t be spent sleeping.

-Keep this secret between just you and me, but you’re favorite reader. Seriously, you’re great.

It’s Always Something

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It’s Always Something

-I hope that when robots take over the world I’ll be able to work as a parts lubricator. That job sounds a lot more enjoyable than being liquefied and turned into a biofuel.

-Martha Stewart doesn’t play Rock, Paper, Scissors; she plays Drain Plug, Bath Mat, Shower Curtain.

-If your nanny arrives at your house floating down from the sky on a flying umbrella, either you’re tripping balls or your parents called the magician hotline instead of the babysitter hotline.

-Before I read any book, I go online and read the book’s climax. If it doesn’t grab me, I don’t buy it… I also enjoy looking at their covers. Covers are a really important part of any of the books I read.

-When someone says that something has all of the “bells and whistles” it doesn’t really impress me. I don’t typically want bells or whistles on anything I own.

-I take that last comment back, if there was a procedure to make a woman’s breasts honk when you squeezed them, I might be somewhat interested.

-This Saturday at 8:30pm is Earth Hour. Earth Hour is a program sponsored by the WWF [unfortunately, not the wrestling federation], World Wildlife Fund. This program is asking for everyone to turn off all of their lights for one hour in an effort to save energy and help the environment. Unfortunately, the byproduct of asking everyone to turn off their lights for an hour on a Saturday night is a mass amount of simultaneous reproduction. It’s already been proven in previous incidents of power outages that when the television doesn’t work and computers are turned off, everyone’s favorite pastime is bumping uglies. So we save 60 minutes of electricity and provide the world with an extra million mouths to feed. Good idea, but this won’t save the planet. [More details about Earth Hour here: http://www.earthhour.org]

-I’d like everyone to give the deranged lunatics of the world a big round of applause. If it wasn’t for them, our news channels would be so bland and boring.

-You know a girl is excessively rich when she hires an interior decorator for her private parts.

-Nothing says “I’m a gigantic prick!” like a popped collar.

-I’d watch golf if they only played during thunderstorms and they added landmines to the golf course.

-I haven’t folded socks it almost 8 years now. I’m pretty sure my sock drawer is haunted, so I don’t open it anymore.