Tag Archives: ninjas

Black And White And Read All Over

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-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.

-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.

-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.

-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.

-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.

-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.

-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.

-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”

-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.

-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.

-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.

-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?

-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”

Debauchery

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-There is a fine line between pain and pleasure. That’s why it’s recommended that you use a safety word.

-When you’re a secret assassin, sent around the world to take out the toughest targets, you’re outfit is everything. A ninja wearing a sombrero is not a good combination.

-It happens all the time in sitcoms and Hollywood movies, but you know those parts where the character goes into a lingerie store and a really hot employee volunteers to model the bra and panties for them? That never happens in real life. I bet that even if it did, it’d be more likely at a place like Wal-Mart and the person volunteering is someone you wouldn’t want to see wearing anything less than a ski jacket, parachute pants, military boots and a paper bag over their head.

-When a safe is unlocked, it’s no longer a safe. Instead, it’s just a really fucking heavy box.

-I had a dream the other night that I was tied up to the flag pole in front of my school, wearing only a pair of sneakers. I knew it was a dream when I was only concerned about getting someone walking by to tie my shoe laces rather than to cut me down.

-I’ll tell you the real secret to a great night’s sleep, and it has nothing to do with specialty beds. It’s simply three beers, a martini, two Long Island Iced Teas, a Sex on the Beach, and an Irish Car Bomb topped off with a Vegas Bomb. Best sleep ever! Although the morning after has little to be desired.

-I’m sure we’ve all had an instance of a phantom cell phone ring. That’s when you could have sworn you heard your phone ring but upon checking your cellular device, no calls were missed.

-Did you know that Cheech Marin from Cheech And Chong fame has a children’s book about a bus driver that teaches a mariachi band to compete against rock and roll bands in a battle of the bands contest? There’s even an animated movie to go along with it. [Amazon product page: http://www.amazon.com/Cheech-School-Bus-Driver-Marin/dp/0061132012 ]

-Digging to China sounds like a good idea, but after you’ve been shoveling for a couple of hours you get real hungry and kind of sweaty, then the idea just seems silly.

-Despite previous speculation that Van Gogh was a genius and through his own personal torment chopped his own ear off, new evidence has surfaced, and the truth is that Van Gogh lost his ear in a brothel sword fight. I’d say it’s about time for a big budget Van Gogh biography flick.

-I like my music like I like my women – loud and obnoxious.