-Which skill set do you think would be more beneficial in hand-to-hand combat: knitting or lots of hours playing Gameboy?

-I have yet to write a book review for any class that didn’t include the line: “My favorite part of this book was the cover art.”

-There’s no better way to show your girl how much you care, then to give her a loving mammogram for Valentines.

-Restrooms are used for a lot of things, but rest isn’t usually one of them.

-Fencing is pretty much just silly dancing that gives two rich folks the chance to poke each other with a stick.

-If you wore leopard print pants, a zebra print top, a beaver fur coat, and a hat lined with rabbit fur, you’d be matching and looking fabulous in my book. PETA would fucking hate you though and probably bomb your house while you’re out on the town in your jungle-themed getup.

-The only way I’d join the police force is if they had discounts on the stuff they keep stored in the evidence room.

-If I ever become president of the world, I’m making every Monday, Margarita Monday.

-There needs to be a website like Rate My Professor that keeps track of which hospitals have the best looking nurses because when no American has health insurance anymore, I’d like to know that I’m getting the most for my money.

-Sometimes truth can set you free – other times it will send you straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

-You’re riding on a bus and there are only two seats left; one next to you and one next to a man who is partially on fire. You know you’re ugly when a woman wearing lots of hairspray boards the bus and takes her chances with the human torch guy.

-If you can’t say anything nice, please speak louder so we can all bask in your ignorance and stupidity!

-I really, really hope the Spice Girls make a huge comeback in 2010. Now that I’m with my lover and her friends, I just have to know what I need to do next!

-As soon as we can solve the disappearing sock problem we’ll be able to unravel the mysteries of the universe.