Tag Archives: pants

I Double Dog Dare You

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-If I had a pet dragon, I’d host more barbeque parties.

-It’d be really hard to hide the evidence if you were having a romantic affair with a giant Cheeto puff.

-I’m going to get my nipples pierced and then gauged so that way I have a place to hang my keys when I don’t have any pockets.

-Trapper Keeper binders don’t do a very good job of catching cats that stray into your yard.

-A turtle, a sloth and a snail walk into a bar… Nevermind, this joke is going nowhere fast.

-Overly starched britches are the next best thing to wearing a cardboard box as pants.

-I doubt that the expression “silent but deadly” was ever used to describe anything but farts.

-”Hush Puppies” was a slang term for women’s breasts before it became a popular southern food item.

-My junior year, I had a classmate that really was old school – he sat in the back row of the class and carved the end of his pencil with a hunting knife. When he wanted to write with ink he’d have to set up his ink well and quill pen set.

-A good band name would be “Fine Tonal Quality”. Their first album can be called “Fine Music Arranged In A Meaningful Succession”.

-Have you ever felt like your liver is on fire, your kidneys are full of acid and it feels like all of your fingernails are being bent back slowly? Me neither, but it sounds like it would hurt.

-The world economy is so bad that even brothels are making cutbacks. For example, in Germany, many brothels have added an all-you-can-eat type sexual arrangement instead of the customer paying for hourly services. While that method is new, they have had other special offers to help increase business such as discounts for disabled patrons, and 10% if you ride a bicycle or take public transportation to the brothel. [Article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/5922789/Recession-hit-brothels-offer-novel-promotions.html ]

-Picking out condoms and lube together as a couple isn’t romantic, even if it is by candlelight.

-Right now I’m recovering from a serious bubble gum flavored Pepto-Bismol addiction.

-Assume all strangers are assholes. You will be pleasantly surprised to find out that most of them turn out to just be jerks.

Mischief, Mayhem, And Meanderings

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-Being in debt is a good way to really see what you’re worth; knee caps $10,000 each, fingers $1,500 each, legs are about $2,000, and each finger and toenail is about $200.

-”…And for the next contestant of the Talent portion of this year’s Miss America Pageant, Susie May is going to perform long division!”

-First there were no machines. Then, when we called people we really hoped we didn’t have to talk to a machine. Now, when we visit websites, we have to prove that we are not machines.

-There is a special point in life when you realize that the list of things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.

-Good news travels fast; bad news is always running about five minutes late.

-It’s impossible to reach Zen with pants on.

-Time is only one person’s side and that’s Time’s.

-British mum and four of her daughters get breast implants. [Article source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/life-style/kids-and-family/2009/07/12/mum-and-four-daughters-spend-40-000-on-nine-boob-ops-115875-21512369/ ] Unfortunately, they’re all blondes.

-Your momma is so fat that if she was a magician she’d have to vanish into fat air.

-”Up shit creek without a paddle” is just a roundabout way of saying the same expression of “It’s time you roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty.”

-It’s a good thing that dinosaurs aren’t around anymore. If they were, there’d probably a rights activist group and there would never be another movie about people having to kill rampant dinosaurs in order to escape a freak-show of an amusement park on some tropical island.

-Falling into a vat of cotton candy is a sticky situation I think everyone wants to be in.

-”Filthy rich” is when you’re wearing $200 underwear and $500 jeans and you shit yourself and you don’t care.

-Be an impressive motherfucker, be honest and be yourself.

-The jig is up, the news is out, they’ve finally found me;
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty;
Never more to go astray, this will be the end today.

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.

Deserters Will Be Shot

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-I have a beard, I make the rules.

-If you live along the southern border of the United States, I suggest you learn Spanish. It’s always a good idea to learn the language of your conquerors.

-The good thing about global warming is that maybe I’ll finally have a nice even tan. I don’t know about you, but once the temperature gets above 110 degrees I’m just going to stop wearing pants all together.

-I passed the Good Samaritan test this morning. While walking out to my car, there was a brand new Mercedes car with its door wide open. I looked around, didn’t see anybody nearby so I shut the car door. On my way out of the parking lot a police car stopped me and told me thanks for being so nice, but that they were waiting for someone to try to take the car or for someone to steal belongings from inside. Little did he know, I planned to come back with a big sack so I could more easily carry the sweet roller blades that were laying in the backseat and the two stray golf clubs that were lying on the floorboard. Good thing he blew his cover. That would have been really embarrassing.

-My favorite thing about James Bond flicks is the ridiculous names for the lead ladies. Could you imagine a girl actually having to suffer through public school with a name like Pussy Galore?

-I had a dream that I lived in a great and wonderful world made entirely of sand, then in that dream it started to rain and everything turned to mud and muck. It must have been a representation of my last relationship. Fucking whore, but I digress.

-I’m a very patient man. Yesterday I waited in line at the bank for 45 minutes just to get a pen.

-I wonder who came up with the idea that giving someone a bouquet of thorny, blood red flowers would be a good way to show their love for someone. I would have gone for something lighter in color that didn’t have a possibility of making someone bleed, but I guess that’s just me.

-I dated a model once. A plus size model, but still, doesn’t mean I can’t brag a little.

-Aren’t all drugs recreational drugs? Is there really anyone who takes drugs professionally?

-I’m a strong advocate of free speech. I started a 500 man petition to Wheel of Fortune to stop making people buy vowels.

-”In the backroom she’s everyone darling.”